It's a food channel kind of day

        Today I have been watching the Food channel nearly all day.  I have been glued to it ever since the dish network guy came and fixed our dish network.  I have watched ooey gooey cooking things.  Now if you know me personally or at all really, you know I am a foodie, I am a pusher of food ,I teach cooking,  I love to cook and eat--I am even working on a cookbook titled "How to get your husband in the kitchen without getting naked"--great title, isn't it????  But even for me I think that I have overextended the allowed amount of time one is supposed to sit in front of a television and watch all the highly caloried, amazing foods.  I have of course eaten just about every yummy thing I could locate in the house as well wishing that the foods I am viewing would just magically appear in my house through the television screen.   I digress-- as I was sitting here on my touche all day I began self analyzing a little--after all the bad food I ate today I felt I must reflect a little I guess.   After my sugar laden brain began to clear from the fog I realized that the food viewing was an escape and I am feeling a bit depressed.  I didn't see it coming on full blown, it just kind of sneaked up on me.
    In reflection I should have seen it coming...I spoke last week at a retreat for families that have lost soldiers, I got to hear their stories of loss and share mine as well.  I thought I had guarded myself well enough as not to carry it home with me but I am realizing that it has hung on at least to my coat tails
     I have been on face book this week and have heard of three children that have passed away-one 3 1/3 month old to SIDS, and two young adults to suicide.  I don't watch the news as many of you know because of the heartache and pain in it and wasn't ready to hear these three items on face book.
     I just want to challenge those of you that have lost loved ones to pay attention to what you are doing, if you are zoning and escaping like I have been today perhaps there is more of a reason for it than just wanting to learn a new recipe--perhaps it goes deeper.  If you are a friend of a bereaved loved one be understanding if they are sitting in front of the television for hours, or maybe out of the house window shopping for hours, maybe reading for hours, maybe just escaping for hours.  They may not even realize that they are depressed--heck, I speak about grief and I didn't realize that I am in a nice pit of it--a cherry pie pit of it.  

What do you see and remember ?

     I was watching a television show today and there was a woman dying in the scene.  The detective asked an individual what her name was.  What did I see and remember?  I saw DJ at the accident scene and I remember the ambulance driver asking me what his name was.  That is what flashed through my mind.
     I see ambulances drive by me and I immediately pray for the person in it.  I have done this for years, years before DJ passed away.  What do I see and remember every time I see an ambulance? I see the ambulance I was following the day of DJ's accident.  I remember DJ being in it and it pulling over to work on him.  I remember my own flashing hazard lights going on while I was speeding along behind it.
     There are chocolate kisses in my refrigerator.  They have traveled three houses.  What do I remember when I look at them?  I remember DJ's funeral and asking people to bring lots of chocolate to the luncheon because he loved chocolate.  Those kisses are from his funeral.  That is what I see when I see them.
     I have a small porcelian cat in my hutch that sits in the front of every thing else, directly in the middle for all to see.  It is little, didn't cost much and to most people means very little.  All that said though, I see a gift DJ gave me for Mother's day, a small cat that he couldn't wait to give to me so he gave it to me early.  It reminded him of our own cat and he just couldn't contain his excitement--that is what I see and remember when I see that little inexpensive cat.
     What do you see?  What do you remember?  To the people around us they may not understand why chocolate kisses are so important or why a small, insignificant figurine can mean so much to us.
To other people they may not understand why we see a car, a television show, a piece of clothing, etc that makes us remember, makes us see things they cannot see.  We the bereaved see two worlds-the one in front of us and the one with the memories of our child in it. 
     I am at a point in my journey that most things I see now give me good memories-not too many cause me great amounts of pain and grief.  Every now and then something can pop up and surprise me but not as much as year one or year two or even year three. 
     If you have lost a child be thankful for the things that remind you of your child.  Try to keep only the good thoughts associated with them if you can-bad memories take care of themselves plenty without our help.  If you are reading this and haven't lost a child please understand our attachment to these things, to these memories-they are forever part of our second world we live in and we are trying very hard to balance those worlds. 
    

A little jealous,,,

     There are many bereaved parents that still hear their child's voice.  They hear them in their prayers, in a whisper maybe or in their dreams.  Some parents receive signs from their child--there are pennies coming from nowhere, orbs floating about in pictures, feathers dropping from the heavens.  Whatever your thought is on these signs never discredit them--if they give a parent or loved one peace then they are wonderful things.
     I have to admit that I am jealous of this however.  I do not hear DJ's voice--audibly or in a whisper.  I have not seen DJ in my dreams more than three times in almost seven years.  I have prayed for this in the past, I have asked God to let me see DJ in my dreams but I do not get this and I have come to accept this- after all, what else can I do??
     Last night I asked God to let me dream about DJ, I am not sure why I felt I needed to see DJ exactly but I did ask.   I woke up this morning with no dream of DJ, I woke up this morning not surprised and not disappointed because I have grown used to this after all. 
    Then I checked my phone and had a message from a young woman who I love like a daughter.  She is DJ's best friend's sister and I have known this girl her entire life.  On my phone was a lovely message about DJ.  She proceeded to tell me that she was reading the Word and listening to some music.  The words of the song were "all of heaven, all of creation, all the angels sing holy" and (her words) she said she could feel the heaven's army protecting her and could suddenly imagine DJ singing the song and telling her "You can do it". (he would tell his friends this all the time-great encourager). 
     So maybe, I don't get to hear DJ with my own ears or see him in my own dreams but he speaks to me through others and for that I am thankful.  I do not think this is a coincidence, I don't believe in those.  I believe in God's incidences and this is one of them.  I asked to see DJ in my dreams but got a wonderful message from a wonderful girl.  With that message I now have peace over my not getting to see DJ because God allows me to hear from him from other people.  I finally get it and finally accept it. 

Privileged Information

     A few months ago I was showing some clients a home and we began talking about our families.   I told them that I lost my son DJ in 2006.  I suppose I did expect some sort of comment back from them, most people will acknowledge the statement with something like "I'm sorry" at the very least.  Now I didn't tell them about DJ to get that sentiment, I wasn't looking for any sympathy-- we just had established a relationship in the time I had dealt with them and I felt they were nice enough, etc that I could share that with them.  (Sorry for the poor grammer and rambling here).  Anyhow they didn't say a word and continued with the conversation as if they didn't even hear me mention DJ's name.  I have to say I was really surprised but not shocked.  I have been in situations before when people will gloss over DJ's death and change the subject.  This time however there was no acknowledgement at all. 
      Awhile back I was having a phone conversation with someone and I made a mental decision not to say a thing about DJ.  I didn't know this person well enough to give them that privileged information about me, my family and my son. 
     I write about this because these are two incidents where the words we say, the information we share about our child is privileged information.  I don't think, no- I know, that people who we share this information with do not realize how much we are truly sharing.  We are baring a little bit of our soul with them-something so private and privileged that we do not share it with everyone.  To give a person a bit of our story we are truly risking the memory, the life of our child.  We do not chose to tell about our loved ones flippantly, it is not just words to us--it is a memory, an honor we are giving them and they are choosing to accept or deny it.
     When DJ first passed away I probably told everyone about it.  Ofcourse it wasn't hard to know something was wrong-grief was written on every inch of my body and that of my families.  But now as almost 7 years have gone by I chose who I tell.  Not everyone is worthy of knowing about DJ's life and our loss. 
     Not everyone is worthy of knowing how wonderful and cool he was.  How DJ could light up a room just by walking into it. How beautifully green his eyes were.   How he would be into his first year of college now.  Not everyone gets the opportunity to learn that he teased his family-his brother almost mercilessly and was a constant source of support to his friends.   How he was his sisters very best friend and how much he is missed.
     I now choose who I share my memories with, I choose who I share my life and DJ's with.  I have learned over the years that not everyone is worthy of this part of my life.  Knowing about DJ is a privilege.  I hope all of you reading this have friends and family that you can share that privilege with.  I hope that all of you reading this that have not lost a child now realize what a gift a bereaved parent is giving you by sharing their words with you.
 

A LIVING CONNECTION

     Well I guess when it rains it pours and today it is pouring.  I had to take in our german shorthair dog, Hershey to the vet today.  She is the last living connection to DJ.  She was his dog.  I have memories of him with her when he was living and I have memories of her looking for him after he passed away.  I didn't know that dogs grieved, that pets grieved but I certainly learned that they do after DJ passed away.  For weeks after his death she would push DJ's door open to his room and go lay on his bed. 
     Hershey either has a terrible infection or cancer.  They are running tests on her and she will be at the vet overnight.  I am not ready to lose her yet.  I don't want her to be in pain and I would not be selfish enough to keep her alive just for me but I am not ready to lose that connection yet. 
     I have memories of DJ walking her with my husband, I have memories of her leaving a dead half of a rabbit by his bed as a gift and him screaming at the top of his lungs for me to remove it.  She created memories with him and she has kept a lot of that alive.  I don't have the same kind of memories when I see his bike and certainly not his skateboard stuff.  She is a living memory of DJ and it becomes another loss.  I further loss that is attached to DJ. 
     There is so much fall out after a child dies and so much further loss--loss that can happen years later-6 years later for us with Hershey.  I am hoping she will be fine but eventually it will happen and eventually it will trigger grief.  Grief beyond the loss of her, grief attached to DJ.
     I don't think people who have not lost a child understand how important the child's pet is to us.  I know people who had their child's dog attend the funeral.  There are families that have buried their child's dog alongside of their child's grave.  I know people who had to take in their adult child's dogs. 
     I have no challenge today except that if you are not a bereaved parent you have some understanding for those of us that may act strange at times, or atleast act in a way YOU may think is strange.  Lisa
    

 

What do you believe in???

     Let me start by apologizing for not blogging for a long time-my life has been hectic and crazy and it just hasn't been on my radar for awhile.  Also, when I blog I try to post them to websites and facebook pages of bereaved parents to help them but I tend to read and read those sites and it can put me in a hole after a day of posting! Today though it jumped on my radar screen...

     Today I was looking at my Christmas tree-which by the way is very, very pink-a complete different tradition for our family since DJ passed away--which is in another blog from the past somewhere in my list of posted blogs-Anyway-- I was looking at our Christmas tree and under it I put a book titled "The First Christmas."  The book is the story of Christ's birth.  I looked at it and paused for just a second and thought to myself "Do I really believe that?"  Life is really tough right now as it is for many of you-finances are a struggle, businesses are down, grief is always somewhere on the threshold of my familie's life and today I challenged myself to see if I still truly believed in Christ. 

     If any of you are wondering, the answer was and is "YES, absolutely!!"  But I have to say honestly that after DJ passed away it would have been pretty easy for me to walk away from the Lord.  So many questions that I will never get the answer to until I see Jesus and DJ face to face in heaven...

• Where were you God when DJ fell down? You could have kept him safe!
• Why didn't you protect DJ when he was skateboarding? I have prayed for his safety his whole life, weren't you listening to me?  Where were your angels?
• Why didn't you answer my prayers to save his life? Do you care about him or me?
• Why didn't you heal DJ God? You heal others.
• Why did our family have to lose DJ? Why did you pick him?
• Why did Jake and Emilee have to lose a brother?  He was the glue and You took him!
• Why did we have to have this horrible journey in life? You could have picked someone else!
• Why, why, why?

    My questions remain unanswered but God didn't leave my side and I haven't left Him.  I needed Him every second, every day after DJ passed away.  I know that I would not be standing today if it weren't for Christ.  I know that without Him I would not still be married-the loss of a child is a heavy burden on any marriage.  I know that I believe in Christ, I know that I believe he died for my sins and I know that  I will see DJ in heaven again.

     I am not preaching to any of you, I am not trying to get you to believe what I believe.  But I know I had to stand firm on what I believed to stand firm after DJ passed away!

     What do you believe in?  What has kept you going?  What has kept you standing?  Have you forgotten what you believed in before your child died?  Have you quit holding on to what holds you up?  Today I am challenging you--get back to what you believed, get back to what gave you strength.  We all need to keep standing up after our child passes away whether we want to or not!  We need to stand strong for our remaining living children, for our spouses, for ourselves. Our children would not want us falling down, we owe it to them to honor them with our lives now.  Get back to your belief, get back to being strong even though you may not want to be.  What do you believe? 

 

A sweatshirt

I haven't blogged much lately.  It is not because I have forgotten DJ-he lives in my heart and memories everyday.  It is not because I no longer grieve his loss-I just grieve less intensely than I did just a few years ago.  It is not because I don't love DJ anymore-there is not enough love in my heart to express that.  There really is no exact reason--time flies, yada yada yada. I guess there is a mild reason though-- On my my last blog I posted it to the grieving face book pages that I always do.  There are unfortunately lots of them--we are a continuing growing club and with that there are a lot of groups supporting families that have lost loved ones.  I never mentioned my book on the blog, I never even mentioned that I wrote a book about surviving the loss of a child but the person who administered the site removed the blog, stating something like-- "this sight is not for solicitations and I am sure you will understand why we are removing your blog".  Well, in all actuality I did not understand it.  Aren't we all there to support one another?  This road we are all on sucks and I was only trying to blog to help those that are on the road with me.  If I have ever pushed my book to anyone that reads my blog-I apologize now however, I truly only want to help and with that my book does offer help.  Okay, I have vented now and will get onto what I really want to say---

Our family had some friends over a few weeks ago.  The teenage daughter was cold and asked if she could borrow a sweatshirt.  I told her to go into my closet and just grab something to wear.  Out the girl comes in a sweatshirt last worn by DJ.  She had no way of knowing that it was his sweatshirt buried deep in my closet.  She had no idea that the entire time she was wearing it during the day all I could think of was DJ wearing it and the last time that he wore it.  It was a very bittersweet day and the cause of it was nothing more than a sweatshirt. 

I had a good memory of DJ wearing it--He was in history class in Junior high. The teacher told the students if they had on "Titan" wear they could get out early (the school's mascot is a Titan).  DJ was very quick on his feet--he always was actually until the accident ironically enough--He took out a marker and wrote a Titan design on the sweatshirt and the teacher let him go early.  Always a quick thinker.  This was the good memory.

The bad memory is not a memory but a realization that he was the last one ever to wear it and never would be wearing it again.  I would never see his skinny, tall body in it.  I do not need to explain this to you all because you get it.

The fact is that we all have bittersweet memories and we have no way of knowing when or what will trigger them.  I had a teenage girl go into my closet and find the only sweatshirt of DJ's in my closet. I didn't tell the girl it was DJ's, I didn't want to make her feel awkward or bad for grabbing it.  I let it go and kept it to myself.  Eventually as time goes on it is easier to do that than blurt out "You can't wear that, that is DJ's!!!!"    

There are many things that our family has that are DJ's and no one can touch them--his chocolate wafer bars in the fridge--yep even after almost 6 years they are saved.  The chocolate kisses from his funeral that are in a Ziploc bag that no one can eat.  His bicycle that no one can ride, etc.   There is actually quite a long list when I begin to think about it.  Maybe someday his things will be for others to have but for now they are not. 

His sweatshirt was used by a lovely girl who actually knew DJ before he died so all in all it was a good share, even if she didn't know it.  Maybe this is the beginning of letting some of his things go--maybe, maybe not.  I challenge you all to think about what you are holding onto and if it is time to let some of them go.  I'm not ready yet to let his things go but maybe tomorrow or next year--the wafers though will probably never be shared--I can't imagine they would taste good now anyway(insert smile here).  Take care all friends, new and old and continue to walk and breath if only second by second.  Lisa

I saw death today

Today I had to go into a client's home to cancel a listing.  The reason was because my client was dying and is now in hopsice care.  Her eyes were so discolored that I couldn't see any of the white at all, both eyes were dark and sickly looking.  I went to hug her and she was flat out skin and bones.

What I saw in her was death, she is just awaiting the ending. 

DJ lived his life until the very last second.  He was with his best friend when he died, he was skateboarding at the time--living a life full of passion and drive and joy!  This poor woman was sitting in a chair in her home while her family was picking away at her bones, figuratively speaking. 

Which way to die is better? 

Living a long life, watching your spouse, children die and then have what is left of what you own become pickings for the family.  Living a long life with lots of stories to be told but being told to no one because no one is really listening.  Just waiting to die to be reunited with your spouse, waiting while you watch your family pick apart your things, pick apart the home you have lived in for over 40 years.  Waiting to die to find passion again.  Or....

living a short life full of passion, full of intensity and friends and family that love you.  Dying while the wind was still blowing in your hair? Dying with your best friends around you, leaving this world knowing that everyone loved you and you would be missed by immeasurable levels by your family and friends.

Do not get me wrong, there is no way for a child to die that is right!  No parent should bury their child but this day did make me think...It made me thankful that I did not have to watch DJ suffer, that he was doing the thing in life that made him the happiest in the world up to the last second of his life.  That he lived until he died and for that I am thankful!  I did not have to see death in DJ until he was gone, until he was already with Jesus and living a life of full passion in heaven.  For this I am greatful, for this I am sorry for my client.  For this I am saddened for her loss of life so late in her days. 

I do not want to live a life that is dead.  I want to live a life that DJ would be proud of, a life full of passion and joy and love and friends, and family!!  I want to live this type of life till my last breath, be it in 5 days or 50 years.  I miss my son everyday and I wish I could see him tomorrow but until Jesus calls me home I remain here--but I do not just want to wait for that reunion anymore.  I want to live while I await that day.  I want to have so much to tell DJ once I see him again, I want to tell him of so much!! 

Chose to live a life your child would be proud of, maybe even jealous of if they were still living.  Chose to live and not just wait, chose to tell those stories, chose to love the ones you can, chose to be alive again!

Don't judge me

Today is DJ's 19th birthday

Today I wish I could bake a cake with Star wars characters on it--don't judge me
I still like to hear stories about DJ after almost 6years-don't judge me
I cannot go to his best friend's graduation party, too painful-don't judge me
I miss him everyday still-don't judge me
I would have traded my life for his-don't judge me
I think I have been robbed of much-don't judge me
I know my children have been robbed of their brother-don't judge me
I want you to say his name-don't judge me
At the sound of his name I can still cry huge tears-don't judge me
It makes me irate that people abuse their children and I lost mine-don't judge me
I cannot go to his cemetary-again too painful-don't judge me
I have compared DJ's siblings to him-don't judge me
I cannot dream of DJ-don't judge me
I am not doing DJ's day this year-don't judge me
I don't watch the news--too painful still after 6 years-don't judge me
I have a connection with other bereaved parent's that is deeper than most of my relationships-don't judge me
I still miss him-don't judge me
I still cry sometimes-don't judge me
I don't want you to tell me you "know how it feels"-don't judge me
The death of your dog isn't the same-don't judge me
I cannot wait to hug those bony shoulders again in heaven-don't judge me
I get angry when people take their children for granted-don't judge me
I get sad when I see other teenagers where DJ should be and ISN'T-don't judge me
I still love my boy even though he isn't physically with me--don't judge me

An old clothes container and no more

     When DJ passed away he was 13 years old, 5ft 4 inches tall, weighed about 105 pounds and had 9.5 size shoes. His hand was just slightly bigger than mine and he wore size small men's shirts and just began to get into 29by32 inch jeans.
     Jake his brother is now 14 years old, 5 ft 2 inches talls, weighs about 85 pounds and has size 10 shoes.  His hands are just slightly bigger than mine and he is in 16 size jeans.
     This week I found a container full of clothes that I had saved of DJ's for Jake to wear--you know the old standard-the hand me downs of the bigger brother.  I had always done this even before DJ passed away, Jake has worn lots of his brother's clothes.  This specific container though stinks more than any others.  This container is the last container.  There is no more clothes, there are no more shoes, there are no more.
     There is so much "no more" anymore when it comes to DJ.

• There are no more pictures after October 2006, which means I don't scrap book that year.  I tried to finish up the scrap books but I realized that I would come to an end of DJ's life and didn't want to have that last picture, that last one in the book.  I did jump ahead to 2007 but that too was painful because the pictures are sad, grief is all over the family photos and it just was too hard to do anyway.  Who knows, I might never ever finish them.
• There are no more baseball games for DJ to go to.  I have his last pair of baseball shoes in that container--but no use for them-Jake doesn't do baseball.  The shoes are still dusty from DJ, still have dirt in the cleats, he was the last one to wear them and to lace them up.
• There are no more skatepark memories.  For many of you reading this you may not know that DJ's passion was skateboarding and he wanted to become a professional skateboarder.  There are no more trips to the skateparks that I loved going to with him.  Jake obviously has no desire to go to skateparks-after all a skateboarding fall took DJ's life.  I have no more skatepark memories.
• There are no more things that DJ can teach his younger brother.  Every now and then Jake will tell me something that he remembers DJ taught him, but sometimes I wonder if he is imagining it since he was only 8 years old at the time of DJ's death.  I never say this outloud to Jake, I am just thankful he has memories of DJ and has no problem talking about it.
• There are no more of DJ's friends in our life. I know so many bereaved parents can see their child's friends and enjoy having them in their lives. I miss these friends, I love them still but it is too painful for me even 6 years later.  I have tried and failed completely to be around these boys and that makes me sad too.  I will always miss the fact that DJ should be with them at these graduations and events and he is not. It is like seeing one bookend without the other and I fall apart like the books fall down when I see DJ missing.
• There are no more hugs from that skinny bony boy.  There are no more smiles, there are no more jokes, there are no more stories, there are no more, no more, no more.

DJ would be 19 this year, DJ would have graduated high school this month--more no mores.
     DJ though lived a life that did not have any "no mores".  He lived his life full of passion, full of desire, full of life.  That is what I am going to meditate on today--DJ lived a life of no regrets and I don't think there was anything that he didn't do that he wanted to do--he just somehow did it all in such a short time--he crowd surfed in a concert, he gto to go back stage at a concert, he listened to a life time of stories from families and friends because he loved hearing stories. He skateboarded till the very end, he lived a life with no regrets and that is the no more I need to have today--no more regrets.
     What are you doing since your child has died that you regret? Or better yet what are you not doing that you regret?  Life is too short as we the bereaved parents all know to live with these regrets.  This blog has gone a completely different direction than I had intended but here is a challenge anyway--DON'T LIVE WITH REGRETS--YOUR CHILD WOULD NOT WANT YOU TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DON'T LIVE A LIFE OF NO MORES FOR YOURSELF--GO OUT AND GET WHAT YOU WANT, LIVE THE LIFE YOU WANT, DO IT IN HONOR OF YOUR CHILD

Hang gliding

I had a friend who hang glided.  She went through the air all by herself and all alone, feeling the ups and downs by herself without any support.  Her feet dangled in midair and didn't have any firm ground to stand upon.  The wind would push her up and she would feel joy but had no one to share it with.  When the wind blew her down and forced her into the bellows just above the ground but no quite all the way down, no one was there to pull her up to safety.  She had to regain her strength, she had to use everything in her bones, in her heart, in her muscles, in her mind to get up.  She used up all her recourses just to survive.  When she was finally level she appeared to be safe again but she had nothing left to keep herself up any longer.  She was tired.  There was great sadness in this for those watching.  No one wanted her to fall again but she was too high up to realize this.  No one wanted her to be alone on this journey, in the highs and lows but the wind was blowing her around too much and she couldn't regain control of the glider and just didn't know that the sadness, just below her was there.  The wind kept pushing and pushing and she was unable to fly higher.  She was unable to see the people below, they looked so small and unimportant.  The people appeared to be miniscule, so small that they couldn't possilbly help.  The truth was, they couldn't.  They could only watch with great sadness the glider twist, turn, shoot up and down and nearly crash.  They could share their insights,offer help but the glider was too high up and she couldn't hear the words of wisdom and love.  Eventually the glider was out of their sight and no matter how much they wanted to save the glider and help her fly higher and soar above the clouds they couldn't.  They only wanted a successful, joyful journey for the glider and rider. 
    It could have been an easier ride if she had looked down instead of struggling to stay in the air.  To look down and see the people ready to offer support, encouragement, love.  Looking down was scary and would have taken a lot for the glider to do.  This would have caused her to release control of the glider and allow someone else to take hold and reign in the ups and downs, the air flow, the currents.  It would have taken trust and committment, something she wasn't used to.  Something she had never really had before--someone else helping and encouraging, trusting and loving. Someone with only the best interest's of the glider in mind.  This was something foreign to the glider and almost mistrusting.  All her life the glider had been in control, all the ups and downs were hers and hers alone.  To give up that regardless of how much easier and joyful the journey could be was not a pleasant thought.  But all she had to do was look down and she could have flown higher. 

Challenge--who are you? The glider or the one trying to help? 

A park and a memory

     For those of you who may not know, I am also a real estate agent, besides a homeschool mom, a blogger, a writer and a speaker, etc, etc.(What Mom doesn't have twenty hats?).  I took four years off after DJ passed away and got back into the business just last year. 
     Today I got to show a young couple some homes, they are shopping for their first house and ofcourse it is exciting for them and me--I love watching someone fall in love with a house right in front of my eyes.  As we were driving today I passed a park called "Golden Rod" park.  This park is a huge place of importance to me....
     When DJ was a young boy he did flag football, he was on a team called the Goldenrods. They practiced at this exact park and I have many memories associated with this place and this team--three of the memories are extremely sad.
      Three of the boys on that very small team have passed away.  DJ was the first, dear reader if you don't know DJ hit his head while skateboarding at the age of 13 and never regained consciousness. 
One boy on the team was diagnosed with terminal cancer the same year the boys played football together.  He  passed away just a few years ago.  Within the same week of the second boy's death  another boy from the team was in a horrible car accident and passed away.  Three boys on a team of 18, three boys gone too soon, three family's lives were forever changed.
      Why am I telling you all this today?  For a few reasons---1. There are a lot of triggers for grief (today I did not fall into a hole, but a few years ago that park could have done it).  When we as bereaved parent's see a park, see food at the grocery store, see a boy walking along a road that looks like our child, see the world at all we can have a trigger for our grief.  The memories associated with food, places, events, etc are everywhere.  To those of you who have not experienced this hell, be patient with us when something triggers our pain that you don't understand.   2.  Death is everywhere and just because you don't see it doesn't mean you are immune to it.  I couldn't imagine that DJ would be gone years later after being on a football team with a terminally ill child.  That other child I knew would die someday just from the diagnosis but they were "that family, the other people, them".  Oddly enough, I turned into "that family, the other people, them". It is a horrible reality but it is mine  3. We are all just a life decision or a phone call from death and tragedy. It may not seem a happy thought to pass along but it is true.  We could be that person in just a heartbeat, or worse yet, in the lack of a heartbeat we do become that person.
     I don't have a challenge for any of you, I don't have any great advice to offer.  My main statement today is just to say "Be kinder to those around you today because you don't know how much longer you will have any of them."  God bless and much love, Lisa--forever DJ's mom

Friday the 13th for me

     So many people think of Friday the 13th and all it's superstitions.  Don't cross the street if you see a black cat.  Better not walk under a ladder or your world may end.  Be careful not to drop that mirror, no one wants 7 years of bad luck. 
     For me it has a completely different meaning.  DJ was buried on Friday the 13th of October 2006.  For the rest of my life I will not associate black cats and ladders with this date.  I will remember trying to hold DJ's hand while he was in the casket and his hand feeling hard. I will forever remember the church, the people, the weather, the casket, his outfit, my children, the limo ride, the food after, the lone flower that came home with me instead of my son.  The list goes on and on as I know it does for so many of you. I will associate this day with the worst day of my life for the rest of my life. 
    Why do I bring this up to you all today?  Because we all have THAT day.  Or THOSE days.  The many days that are associated with our children's death.  The day of an accident or the date of a diagnosis.  The day of the phone call, of a doctor's visit.  The day of entering the hospital, the day of picking out our children's clothes to be buried in.  Again, the list goes on and on. 
     What so many people who do not have such a death don't understand is that the day of the death is not the only day we the bereaved remember.  And because of that the anniversary dates of all those lists can take a long time to process.  We may be down and out for a week before the anniversary or a week or two after.  We may go into a whole on a day that seems completely nonsensical to the outsider but not to us.  One day is not enough for us to mourn our child, to remember them.  There are so many days that are connected to our child that so many do not understand.  And for that reason, we just can't "get over it".  Forever and ever there will be days in that 365 day calender that will remind us of our child's death.  It doesn't matter if it is 25 years later or 2 weeks after the death--forever and ever days remind us that our child is no longer with us. 
     Be careful and aware of these dates as they come up.  The anticipation of the date is almost always worse than the actual date but don't let it side swipe you!!  And if you are reading this and have not lost a child or loved one--I challenge you to be more compassionate and kind to us when we just don't seem like ourselves.  Because in all rationality we will never be ourselves again and you have no idea what the calender is saying to our hearts on any given day.

    I wanted to remind you all that my book website has changed to flowersonachildsgrave.com--a computer spider stole my old address but has not made my book any less available--just relocated.
Flowers on a Child's Grave is a compilation of 14 familie's interviews of how they survived the loss of their child from ages 20 min to 35 years of age and how it affected everything from their marriage, intimacy, siblings, etc.  I wrote it after a woman compared the loss of her dog to that of DJ and I didn't want that to happen in the future for any parent.  God Bless you all today and take a look at your calender and be kind to yourselves---  Lisa--forever DJ's mom
    

When was the last time you were happy?

A few weeks ago someone asked me to remember a time I was really happy.  Usually I can go around this question with no problem.  I can give a patt answer about a vacation, a memoriable event my family has shared in.  Unfortunately this person wanted a real answer and actually cared what the response was.  You know how it is, when it is someone who is  just asking you something out of civilty you can answer without emotion and give them the answer they are looking for.  But when someone truly cares about you and the response, the questions become emotionally charged and sometime difficult.

All I could think of was the very last time I saw DJ alive and happy.  I even tried to think of other things that had made me truly happy over the years but it just wasn't there.  Over 5 years ago DJ turned around and looked at me smiling, waving and saying"Goodbye, I love you" That is the last time I was truly happy.  How much does that suck?  I know it is a great memory, I am so thankful that I had that kind of memory (besides the accident scene) of DJ's last days on earth but to have that be the last time I was truly happy was quite shocking to me.  I didn't even know that.  I didn't realize it, I had no idea my mind would go there and it went there quickly.

I decided to look up the definition of happy and this one hit me the most--"quick or enthusiastic to use or do something".   I haven't been enthusiastic over anything in a long time.  I have had a lot of accomplishments personally and with the family over the last five years--writing and publishing my books, speaking and ministering to people, seeing my daughter Emilee graduate cosmetology school, watching Jake mature and grow confident in who he is since DJ's death.  Seeing my husband regain a positive role at his business and beginning to enjoy work again.  Regaining my real estate license after taking 4 years off.  Standing up and getting out of bed.  But looking back I see my life as if I am looking from the outside in.  I do not feel as if I am in it, enjoying the moments.  I see them, I am watching them but somehow the enthusiastic part is missing.  I am missing my son, and am thus missing who I am as well.  I am not in a depressive mood, only seeing the gloom in the world today I am just realizing that the happy, enthusiastic life is not part of who I am anymore.  I go through the motions, I have fleeting moments of joy and fun but they are viewed from the outside and certainly not internal anymore. 

I know I am not the only person who has lost a loved one, a child that deals with this.  We the bereaved parents only seem to get so close to others and often shut down.  We do not wish to share too much of ourselves with others--is this a self defense mechanism? Probably.  If we don't give too much of ourselves we don't have to worry about being hurt so much by others or the world.  I feel as if I am in a plane and just hovering above the airport, I am in a holding pattern in life. I am circling around, seeing what is going on below and around me but just not committing to becoming fully engrossed in it, engrossed in the emotions of life.  I do not land.

All this said, when was the last time YOU were happy? I hope it has been since your child has passed away, I hope you have landed your plane, are making the trips on and off.  Running along the tarmac with enthusiasm!!!

Side note--my book Flowers on a Child's Grave, Now What? isn't the typical stocking stuffer however, the holidays are here and 14 families have shared how they got through the holidays after they lost their children.(ages 20 minutes to 35 years of age)  If you are interested in ordering please go to my website at flowersonagrave.com.  Lia-forever DJ's mom

Today I got slammed

     I had my book writing club to go to today.  As I got into my car to leave the radio was on a Christian radio station.  I heard a woman speaking about comparing "something" to the loss of her right arm.  I knew without a doubt almost instantly she was talking about the loss of a child.  As I was listening she was stating almost the exact same thing I have said before....The loss of a child is like the loss of a limb.  You can learn to live without it everyday but you miss it everyday.  As the program continued I became aware that she had lost a child almost 15 years earlier and she used almost the same exact words I have to explain the loss.  I was really struck by this fact that she too explained it the same way.  As the programming continued yet another woman came on to talk about the loss of her daughter.  Half way through the drive to the writing club I was a wreck. 

     Eventually I gathered myself together well enough to go to the group without anyone noticing the tears I had during the drive.  As I entered the coffee shop where we were to meet I recognized the cashier.  I wasn't certain where I had seen her before but was very much aware that I knew her somehow.  As I placed my order for coffee and a roll I asked her how I knew her.  She told me she had gone to Rumsey Station elementary school, I asked her how old she was and upon that I knew how I knew her.  She had gone to school with DJ, same age, same grade, same school. 

     So "Okay God, why are you putting all this is in my path today?"  I have often talked to you all about being aware of triggers but here I was minding my own business and got his twice in a row and hard.  I felt like I had been hit by a 2 by 4, cold on, square and hard.  Why did God put all this in my path today? I have no idea. 

Why did any of us lose our precious children?  I don't know
Why do any of us have to endure this world and it's pain?  I don't know
Why do we have so much fall out after we lose a child?  I don't know
Why does this grief live on so long? Because we loved and still love our children so much.

I don't have the answers today, I only know I lost my precious son and the world reminded me of it yet again today when I wasn't even looking---Be careful out there dearest friends

God has a way of putting people in my path where I least expect them...

Last week my youngest son Jake had some volunteer work to do.  I am a parent driver so I was also volunteering.  The first home was that of an older woman and her husband and we vacuumed and dusted as she requested.  As I was finishing up I saw a display case of butterflies and somehow I just knew this woman had a story.   I commented to her about the collection and she showed me a precious figurine as well, as we talked she told me she had lost a son 36 years earlier.  His name was John and he had fallen in a construction sight and passed away due to injuries. She told me that her and her husband made a point right after the accident to continue living their life, they even took polka dancing classes.  What was so difficult to hear though was that a traveling Pastor took her husband to lunch shortly after the accident, he had heard about the death of their son and wanted to talk to him privately.  The result of the meeting was that this man never went back to church after that.  He would not share with his wife what was said but it was evidentally the completely wrong thing because he still has not returned to church in over 36 years.

Again last week I was at a play practice Jake was having and began carrying on a conversation with another parent.  They told me they had a patient that was 88 years old and she had lost her daughter over 40 years ago.  This woman was still angry at God, was not speaking to God and that she would never forgive God for taking her daughter.  Wow, that is a lot of anger and sadness all rolled up into one.

The point  I want to make is that there is so much pain with losing a child and I do not want to be angry and bitter for the next 30 plus years.  Are you that person?  Are you so angry at the words someone shared with you that you have walked away from God?  Or maybe someone said the right thing at the right time that helped keep you strong in your faith?  Are you blaming Him for your child's death or are you thankful that you know where your child is and cannot wait for that reunion?

People say and do the wrong things all the time, especially when it comes to death.  People are stupid and sometimes heartless, but I say "There by the grace of God go they" because they don't "get it" and I truly wouldn't want them to understand 100%--for if they "got it" then they would have also lost a child.  Do not let the ignorance of other's change your faith, change your direction, change who are.  The entire reason I wrote my book Flower's on a Child's Grave, Now What? was because a close friend compared the loss of her dog to the loss of DJ and I didn't want other ears to ever hear that if I could help it somehow.  I took that stupid (but meant well) comment and created something positive out of it.  Don't let others hinder who you really are.  Don't let others make you feel more pain than you already do.  Be strong my dearest friends, rely on friends, rely on God do not take on other people's words and pain.  Again, there by the grace of God go they, and there by the grace of God go we.

Sidenote--I would like to thank all the people that came to my latest book signing.  It is always a pleasure to meet you and you all definitely minister back to me.  Lisa--forever DJ's Mom

A year in retrospect

Yesterday was DJ's 5th anniversary in heaven.  It caused me to think about the last anniversary-the 4th.

On the 4th anniversary my daughter was having a terrible time, she had medical issues I think that were caused by the grief of DJ's anniversary.  She wasn't handling the loss well at all (not that any of us do but it was causing her to make some very poor decisions personally).  She had moved out and was barely getting through school.  She flat out was a mess.

On the 5th anniversary she is having a great time on a vacation with a friend.  She is done with school, she is on the verge of getting a great job at a hair salon.  She is becoming a little more reflective and I am hoping she is beginning to make better choices in friends and friendships as well.  She is happier.

On the fourth anniversary we were in a home we no longer loved, we were barely thinking of doing much more than going to work, pay bills and start all over again. 

On the fifth anniversary we have moved into a home we love, we have actually given ourselves permission to be happy again.  We have a few goals, a few desires of things to do in the future, we can see beyond our pain.

We still miss DJ badly, but we are on the road to having a "different" life, not a better one-the only way for a better one would be if DJ was alive and here.  All that said if you are new to this terrible grief journey realize that there will be a day when enjoying life is okay, you will find a time when getting up out of bed isn't such a struggle.  Life does go on, it doesn't mean we ever stop loving our children---never, no how!!!!  But someday you will be five years, ten years down the road with a different life and that's okay---be kind to yourself today! 

Sidenote--I want to thank all of you that came to the book signing at the Bookworm yesterday.  It was a pleasure to meet new friends and see old ones!!  Flower's on a Child's Grave, Now What?  is continuing to reach out and help bereaved families and those that love them and want to help them.
Ifyou care to read about me or the book you can check out my site at flowersonagrave.com

I used to like October

October used to be one of my favorite months.  I loved the changing colors of the trees, the fall smells.  Oh and yes my birthday is in that amazing month as well--well it used to be amazing, now the month just sucks.

October 7, 2006--DJ, my beautiful 13 year old son,  fell while skateboarding and hit his head hard. 
                            The day I got a phone call saying "the ambulance was on the way"
                             The day that changed my life and that of my family forever

October 8, 2006--At 1pm on that Sunday DJ was declared brain dead by doctor's I didn't know and have never seen again.  On that day I told my son to go to Jesus because truly he was already with Him.

October 12, 2006--My birthday and DJ's visitation at the funeral home (I hate the word visitation, are we truly visiting the dead? No, it's just an exhausting day for the surviving family)

October 13, 2006--DJ's funeral and the last day I ever saw his physical body, the last time I touched his hand, the last time I kissed him, the last time I was able to touch his beautiful head of hair.

October 15, 2011--my father-in-laws birthday, he just passed away 3 months ago and I know ths is going to be a hard day for my mother-in-law.  It is a long list of "firsts" that she has in front of her.

October 24, 2006--my youngest son Jake's 9th birthday and all he asked for was for "his brother to come back, he didn't want any toys", that was not a "happy" birthday.

October 31, 2006--took DJ's sister Emilee and brother Jake to another town to trick and treat because seeing DJ's friends would have been entirely too painful

Every year since, every October since has sucked. It will always bring with it the falling of leaves, the array of pumpkins and the smells of bonfires.  It will always bring with it a million horrible memories that I wish I didn't have but do, a lifetime of memories and sadness.  I do not like October Sam I am, I do not like it!

A challenge to help others

My father-in-law passed away just three months ago.  He was an extremely strong man and fought to stay alive for a very long time, defying most doctor's speculations.  Hospice eventually came in to help with his care and they did an amazing job for the family.  They prepared my mother-in-law with lots of guidance and support.  The nurses told her the steps he would take, the reactions to medications he might have and also gave  her insight about her own eventual grief journey. 

After he passed away I remember commenting to her that "she was grieving".  She was experiencing something and I saw her reactions as grief.  Her words back were that "hospice had explained the grieving to her and she had already grieved his loss before he was gone"  Truly, hospice did an outstanding job preparing her for his loss.

Well, it is now three months later and she is realizing that she is grieving.  I don't believe in the steps of grief, I believe they are circular and one stage can come back quickly as we circle into another stage.  For my mother in law it is a bit of the angry stage right now.  She is getting upset quickly with people that she probably wouldn't generally.  This is not a poor reflection on her in any means she is just grieving and doing her very best to be strong. 

I am telling you all this because I can see her grief because I have lived it and still live with it since DJ's death.
I am telling you this because you too have been there and are going through it. 
I am telling you all this because there will be a time when you need to help someone through the grief process because you have been there. 

Who better to help someone with their loss than someone who understands it?  Would you hire a painter to do your electrical work on your house?  No probably not, but you would hire a person you knew who was qualified, who had been in homes doing the work, a licensed worker who had the experience.  We the bereaved are no different than the qualified electrician-we are qualified in grief whether we want to be or not.  A bereaved parent should get a master's degree from their local college just for surviving the loss of their child--we have experience up the whazoo!

So, my challenge to you today is WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH YOUR EXPERIENCE IN GRIEF? 

Are you going to go to that Compassionate Friend's meeting and hold the hand of a newly bereaved parent?  Are you going to send a card to a woman who has just lost her son to suicide because of a bully?  Are you simply going to give a parent a hug at church because you know their child's birthday is coming up? 

There are endless ways to help one another if you just open your heart to it.  Perhaps you are too short in your journey to help anyone today, just know that someday because the world is extremely small you will meet another parent who needs your insight and your help--it is inevitable. 

Grief is contagious

There is a saying "Smile and the whole world smiles with you, weep and you weep alone"

There is some truth in that comment---if you smile people will generally smile back.  Even if you are sad on the inside you can generally fake a smile well enough that most people won't catch it.  Those who know you really well might see that your eyes do not match your smile, that the sparkle in the eyes generally attached to the smile really isn't there-however most will not catch it.  In all honesty we the bereaved don't generally want others to catch our lack of smile, we just want to survive our days the best we can and as another saying goes we just "fake it till we make it".  Faking it one smile at a time, one day at a time often, one second at a time.

Then there is the back side of the quote.  Weep and you weep alone.  To some degree that is true, we generally weep alone even if tears are not dropping from our eyes.  Our hearts and minds weep on the inside, alone in our own world--keeping those around us safe from the contagious grief.  This is where the above comment has some untruth in it---

Grief is contagious-absolutely and without a doubt.  I can be grieving without sharing a word or a thought about it with my husband and he will begin to grieve.  Grief is like a cloud of dust from a blanket just shaken-it scatters and lands on whatever it is around and nearby.  It can land softly upon your shoulder without you even noticing it or it can land hard, nearly knocking you over, but in the end it spreads. 

Is spreads like a virus. 

For some of us it over takes us like the flu.  We end up in bed with the covers over our head.  We have no energy or motivation to even lift our head up.  We close our eyes and stay in our own little world.  The chills come and go, the waves of grief come and go. 

For many it is a little cold that just won't go away.  It hangs onto us and no matter what we try to do it won't let go of it's grip on us.  We live with a Kleenex box by our side since we never know when the dripping eyes or running nose may start.

Grief jumps from us to those around us and before we know it our entire house has caught it.  The gloom, the pain, the lack of energy just hits us all and eventually there isn't any antibiotic that will cure us. 

But truly in the end there is nothing that will cure our grief.  The life of our child is and would be the only cure all and until we get to reunite with them we will always be sick.  Our house, our family will always be susceptible to grief, we are only a thought away from spreading it's virus.

There is one thought though that has just occurred to me--is there an antibiotic that can help take some of the symptoms away? Yes!!  Find something that gives you purpose in your life.  Find something that you can do to honor your child, honor the life they lived.  Find something useful to keep that virus from lingering too long--

I know people who have written books since their child died (myself included).  People have started grieving support groups to give their life purpose.  Parent's have formed entire organizations to make others aware of suicide, diseases, accidents that could have been prevented.  These are all big things to keep the grief away.  There is also the smaller, probably even more important acts that parents have done-they have decided to live more deeply, love more deeply, care for their families more deeply.  This is such an amazing way to honor our children's lives--by living one worthy of their memory. 

Smile and the whole world smiles with you, grieve and your world may grieve with you. Live and love and the world may become lovely again. 

(If anyone is looking for a speaker or for someone to hold a workshop I would love to offer myself to this, that is my antibiotic.  You can contact me at flowersonachildsgrave@gmail.com)