Friday, May 18, 2012

Don't judge me

Today is DJ's 19th birthday

Today I wish I could bake a cake with Star wars characters on it--don't judge me
I still like to hear stories about DJ after almost 6years-don't judge me
I cannot go to his best friend's graduation party, too painful-don't judge me
I miss him everyday still-don't judge me
I would have traded my life for his-don't judge me
I think I have been robbed of much-don't judge me
I know my children have been robbed of their brother-don't judge me
I want you to say his name-don't judge me
At the sound of his name I can still cry huge tears-don't judge me
It makes me irate that people abuse their children and I lost mine-don't judge me
I cannot go to his cemetary-again too painful-don't judge me
I have compared DJ's siblings to him-don't judge me
I cannot dream of DJ-don't judge me
I am not doing DJ's day this year-don't judge me
I don't watch the news--too painful still after 6 years-don't judge me
I have a connection with other bereaved parent's that is deeper than most of my relationships-don't judge me
I still miss him-don't judge me
I still cry sometimes-don't judge me
I don't want you to tell me you "know how it feels"-don't judge me
The death of your dog isn't the same-don't judge me
I cannot wait to hug those bony shoulders again in heaven-don't judge me
I get angry when people take their children for granted-don't judge me
I get sad when I see other teenagers where DJ should be and ISN'T-don't judge me
I still love my boy even though he isn't physically with me--don't judge me

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

An old clothes container and no more

     When DJ passed away he was 13 years old, 5ft 4 inches tall, weighed about 105 pounds and had 9.5 size shoes. His hand was just slightly bigger than mine and he wore size small men's shirts and just began to get into 29by32 inch jeans.
     Jake his brother is now 14 years old, 5 ft 2 inches talls, weighs about 85 pounds and has size 10 shoes.  His hands are just slightly bigger than mine and he is in 16 size jeans.
     This week I found a container full of clothes that I had saved of DJ's for Jake to wear--you know the old standard-the hand me downs of the bigger brother.  I had always done this even before DJ passed away, Jake has worn lots of his brother's clothes.  This specific container though stinks more than any others.  This container is the last container.  There is no more clothes, there are no more shoes, there are no more.
     There is so much "no more" anymore when it comes to DJ.
  • There are no more pictures after October 2006, which means I don't scrap book that year.  I tried to finish up the scrap books but I realized that I would come to an end of DJ's life and didn't want to have that last picture, that last one in the book.  I did jump ahead to 2007 but that too was painful because the pictures are sad, grief is all over the family photos and it just was too hard to do anyway.  Who knows, I might never ever finish them.
  • There are no more baseball games for DJ to go to.  I have his last pair of baseball shoes in that container--but no use for them-Jake doesn't do baseball.  The shoes are still dusty from DJ, still have dirt in the cleats, he was the last one to wear them and to lace them up.
  • There are no more skatepark memories.  For many of you reading this you may not know that DJ's passion was skateboarding and he wanted to become a professional skateboarder.  There are no more trips to the skateparks that I loved going to with him.  Jake obviously has no desire to go to skateparks-after all a skateboarding fall took DJ's life.  I have no more skatepark memories.
  • There are no more things that DJ can teach his younger brother.  Every now and then Jake will tell me something that he remembers DJ taught him, but sometimes I wonder if he is imagining it since he was only 8 years old at the time of DJ's death.  I never say this outloud to Jake, I am just thankful he has memories of DJ and has no problem talking about it.
  • There are no more of DJ's friends in our life. I know so many bereaved parents can see their child's friends and enjoy having them in their lives. I miss these friends, I love them still but it is too painful for me even 6 years later.  I have tried and failed completely to be around these boys and that makes me sad too.  I will always miss the fact that DJ should be with them at these graduations and events and he is not. It is like seeing one bookend without the other and I fall apart like the books fall down when I see DJ missing.
  • There are no more hugs from that skinny bony boy.  There are no more smiles, there are no more jokes, there are no more stories, there are no more, no more, no more.
DJ would be 19 this year, DJ would have graduated high school this month--more no mores.
     DJ though lived a life that did not have any "no mores".  He lived his life full of passion, full of desire, full of life.  That is what I am going to meditate on today--DJ lived a life of no regrets and I don't think there was anything that he didn't do that he wanted to do--he just somehow did it all in such a short time--he crowd surfed in a concert, he gto to go back stage at a concert, he listened to a life time of stories from families and friends because he loved hearing stories. He skateboarded till the very end, he lived a life with no regrets and that is the no more I need to have today--no more regrets.
     What are you doing since your child has died that you regret? Or better yet what are you not doing that you regret?  Life is too short as we the bereaved parents all know to live with these regrets.  This blog has gone a completely different direction than I had intended but here is a challenge anyway--DON'T LIVE WITH REGRETS--YOUR CHILD WOULD NOT WANT YOU TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!