Thursday, September 30, 2010

What's in a name?

Today I was hit by two letters by an unsuspecting gentleman in the middle of my day. What were those two letters? They were DJ. My computer wasn't working well so I had to contact my internet company, after a few minutes I was transferred to someone higher up on the chain and his name was DJ. I didn't expect it, I wasn't prepared and it hit me hard.

This nice man was helpful and wonderful and the whole time I just wanted to tell him that my son's name was DJ and that he died almost 4 years ago. I wanted him to know that he had an unknowing connection with me and my son and my tragedy but I couldn't get the words out.

I felt them in my throat, I had them in my head but my heart would not allow them to be said. Thankfully he had to put me on hold for about 30 seconds which gave me time to cry without him knowing. Even now 15 minutes later I am on the verge of tears. And that is why I didn't allow the words to come out of my mouth, I would have been crying over the phone to the cable guy and I don't think I would have been able to stop.

How does this hit me so hard? Why am I nearly blubbering to the man on the phone. So many questions, I hate being hit so hard unexpectedly. I hate having to be prepared for whatever life throws at me, I hate not having my son here. I hate not being able to hold my tears in, I hate that the anniversary of DJ's death is only 9 days away. I hate that I am getting hit by it already, I didn't feel it yesterday but I sure do today.

What's in a name? My entire life..

(other movie to add to list--the Patriot)

Friday, September 24, 2010

We are not the same anymore

I have a wonderful friend that lost her son the same year DJ passed away in 2006. We met in a support group for mother's who had lost children and she is one of those friendships I will take to heaven. Today she told me that she will never be the same person she was before and that her family was struggling with that fact. That they didn't understand the change in her and though she didn't say it I am assuming that they also wished she would go back to being the same old person she had been before her beautiful son's death. Well......

Here is my take on it. None of us will ever be the same, no parent, no sibling, no best friend, no grandparent, NO ONE! And for someone to expect us to be is ludicrous.

We will never be able to hold our child again and feel their hair next to our skin.

We will never be able to hear them say Mom one last time.

We will never be able to serve their favorite food without wishing they were there to eat it.

We will never get to watch them glow in the sunlight or beam in the moonlight.

We will never get to watch them create and live in the world they love, that loved them.

We will never be the same, how anyone can expect us to be is wrong.

However, all that said--

We will also never be able to hear a story about the death of a child without our heart going out to the family.

We will never stop praying for our remaining children who are still grieving after so many years.

We will never have the same compassion we had before our own loss, our compassion is deeper

We will never understand how someone can hurt a child on purpose when we miss ours so badly

We will never understand why a child will take their own life when ours did not have a choice to continue living theirs

We will never forget to pray for our friend's who have lost precious children

There is so much that has changed within us and around us and to us that we will never be the same.

I have more and less compassion for people now than I did before, more for those that have the same unbearable, life altering, horrendous loss that I have had AND less for ignorant people who think life is not a gift and will strike and hurt and batter their children.

We as mothers tend to stand stoic, we are the glue the holds the families together and if after four years we haven't changed yet then just wait, it will come. Maybe it will come in small ways, like driving a different route so I don't have to be near the same road my son died on. Or maybe it will come in big ways like another mother I know that bought a Harley and now has two to escape the pain and just ride.

We are not the same people, we wish terribly that we were, that our boys, our children were still with us but they aren't and we will never be the same. My hope is that you all get to stay the same and never have to change because of loss.

(Got book back from editor this week, I am fixing errors, have to write my biography and back of book information and then soon we will be in e-book form-then real books after--hope I have been able to honor all of your children!) Thanks again for reading, Lisa-forever DJ's mom

Sunday, September 19, 2010


Our movie choices have changed so much since DJ passed away. There should be a list created for parents that lose children, movies we shouldn't see...

Here is my short list---Bridge to Tarabithia--children's movie (thought it would be nice to see a safe family movie but I never read the book-apparently everyone I knew did because they told me about it later) the family went about two months after DJ passed away and unknown to me the teenage girl dies in the movie. While we were in the theater a funeral is going on right in front of us all--our life and our pain was on the screen in front of us, it sucked!

Steel Magnolias--A adult daughter dies and Sally Field breaks down at the grave--what every mother really wants to do but doesn't

Terms of Endearment-Another adult daughter passes away and you get to see the tragedy fully in front of you, every emotion and all the pain

Animal Movies-DJ had a very valid point when he was young, he would say that he didn't want to go to animal movies because they were always sad and he was right and still is. Most if not all have an animal die or get lost and you become terribly emotional attached to these creatures and all of a sudden pain is back.

Toy Story 3--love, love, loved the movie until the Mom hugs her teenage boy goodbye as he goes off to college. It makes me tear up just thinking about it.

Haunting in Connecticut---Gee, I thought this would be perfect, a scary movie with ghosts and ghouls--but NOOOOOO!! Based on true story about a teenage boy dying of cancer and his mom holds him in her arms while she thinks he is dying--ugh, no more scary movies for me now.

Any movie where there is a strong bond between a parent and a child, any movie where there is struggling between the parent and the child, any movie where there is pain, any move that could possibly come true. Almost any movie is subject to causing pain.

After DJ passed away I began watching science fiction junk. Why? Because 99.9% of it can't come true and I don't become emotionally attached to the giant alien creature trying to shoot goo at the ugly alien.

My words of wisdom--be careful what you watch. If you want to cry and need that release, watch a movie that will make you cry--blame it on the movie-people won't blink an eye. However, do your homework before you go, check out the many websites out there that will help you make a good decision on your choices--the last thing you want to do is have a happy evening planned with the family and have your evening end with intense sorrow and pain--we all have had enough and don't need it absently thrown at us. I go to Kids in mind movie rating web site

My book Flowers on a Child's Grave-Now What will be coming out this late fall or early winter will let you all know when and where I will be having a book event--Thanks for reading, Me

Monday, September 13, 2010

Dinner and tears

My husband and my friends have changed since DJ passed away 4 years ago. We can become immediate friends with couple's who have lost children. Instantly there is a connection and an understanding that we have with them that we have with no one else. This weekend we went to dinner for the first time with one of these couples.

The husband and wife were so wonderful, we shared stories that didn't have anything to do with our loss, we laughed and we got to know each other over pasta and salad. Then we discussed in detail stories about our children, and on that topic we could all talk for hours. We had to make a point to quit discussing our children, to ending the conversations with sadness. We had to regroup and register what was happening and completely change the topic. Dinner was wonderful and sad at the same time.

We have all decided that we will definitely do dinner again but we can't do it and discuss our children so deeply and painfully. Does this mean we love our children any less? No. Does it mean that we have forgotten them? No. But it does mean that sometime the emotion is just too strong and too painful and too close to the surface that we can barely speak their name.

Sometimes we just have to put away that part of our lives for a small time and try to enjoy what is in front of us. We will never stop loving our children, they will always be with us but some days we have to carry them a little less closely to our hearts.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Where does the glow go?

My husband has told me that he has a picture of me at his work where I am glowing. My eyes, my smile, my face is glowing. He's told me that it is his favorite picture. This picture was taken before DJ passed away and all the family is together. We are all happy and glowing.

When you are happy there is often a glow that appears that you aren't even aware of until it is gone. Since DJ's death he says that the glow has been gone, he is not complaining about it, he is just commenting on it.

This week he told me the glow was back, he could see it again. He knew there was something different about me but he couldn't figure it out right away, it is the glow.

Did I know the glow was back? No. Did I know it was gone? No. Do I have any advice on getting it back? No.

Having the glow back results in many questions though. Do I miss DJ less now because I have the "glow"? No. Am I less sad now? Somedays yes, somedays no. Do I have guilt because I now have the glow? No. So many questions from such a small thing.

Embrace the glow if you get it back, don't feel guilty if it comes back. Don't feel guilty if it doesn't come back--it took 4 years for mine to return and it might evaporate again, who knows. Remember your child, love your child and move one day at a time, live one day at a time, one second at a time if necessary. Just live.