Monday, February 14, 2011

Self help me

I was at my local copy store the other day and was looking at the display with all the self-help books. Examples:

How to get what you want in life, all the time
How to sell anything to anyone
How to organize your house and your life
How to get the job you want
How to mingle with anyone
How to carry on a conversation

I look at these kind of books and cd's differently than I did before DJ passed away. I look at them now as a way to reinvent myself. I have picked up some of these cd's along the way in the last 4 years. I have had to figure out how to talk to people again, how to engage in conversations, how to appear that I am involved in the group.

After you lose a child you lose who you are. I was a mother of three, who am I now--a mother of two? I had a teenage boy that loved to skateboard--where does that passion I shared with him go? I had an older brother for my youngest son, who is that person now? Do I become that older help? I had a boy that had amazing friends, who do I have in my house now? My house is quieter and I don't have all those mouths (that I loved) to feed-I have lost that opportunity to give. I was outgoing and full of personality--it shows up every now and then but the freedom of that personality is gone. I believed in a future for my children, what do I believe in now? --I have given up that I know anything anymore about much--God is in control and I am not.

I was an outgoing person and I could talk to anyone before DJ passed away--I am better now four years later but at first I had nothing to say, I couldn't remember people's names, their jobs, their conversations. I had to learn how to care about what they were saying and I had to learn to reinvent myself into someone different. I had to buy those cds, I had to listen to them to learn how to listen to others. I had to work on my memory skills, they were completely shot especially when it came to names and faces. I have listened to a woman's voice give hints on carrying on conversations and learning to recall their names--the author was good, I learned a few things, but again, my memory isn't the same as it used to be so it was hard to recall too many facts. It has taken along time to regain that memory. It has taken me a long time to even desire knowing or investing into someone new.

It may sound corny, it may sound so 80ish when everyone was reading self help books, but I have become a believer in them because I now need all the self-help I can get. I don't want to lose who I was completely with the loss of DJ--I was a pretty cool person if I say so myself, and I have to try to re-find that part of me again. He wouldn't have ever wanted me to become less of who I am, DJ lived life to his fullest..."You can do it" was always falling off his lips so I need to do it!! If figuring out who I am takes me along the self help books then so be it, there are worse things to try and worse things to attempt than an Anthony Robbins book.

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