Tuesday, November 30, 2010


I had a dream about DJ last night. I woke up this morning after holding his hand in my dream. In my dream I was holding his hand against my hand and was measuring to see how big his hand was compared to mine. This is something I actually did when DJ was in the hospital before he died. I wanted to know, I wanted to never forget how big his hand was since I was never going to get to hold it again. In my dream it was just like it had been in the hospital, his hand was just slightly bigger than mine-barely but just. Funny it was also grubby, DJ's hands were always dirty because he was outside grabbing toward the ground at his skateboard so much all the time Also in the dream I was sitting in a circle and told DJ to come sit next to his brother. The rest is muddled but the importance is that I dreamt about DJ, I can even recall rubbing my hand on his back to touch his skinny back and shoulders.

The importance of all this to me is that I have not dreamt about DJ in four years. I have not been able to see him move since he passed away.

Many parents dream about their child all the time. God gives them this gift--I believe it is a gift! I know of a woman who has a dream journal because she dreams about her son so much.

My husband dreamt about DJ a lot right after he passed away. Was I envious of this?--you bet. I wanted to hear his voice again, I wanted to see him walk again, hug him again-even if it was just in a dream.

Why didn't God give me dreams? Did it make me feel bad? Yes. Did it make me feel like I wasn't worth the gift of a dream? Yes. Did it make me feel so incredibly sad? Yes. Did it make me wonder why God would not let me see my boy at least in a dream? Yes. Did it make me grieve that I couldn't dream of him? Yes.

Will I dream about DJ again? I don't know but today's blog isn't just about me dreaming about DJ. It is about the fact that some of us never dream of their child and it makes us feel unworthy.

Don't feel unworthy if you don't dream about your child. Try not to be jealous of someone (perhaps your spouse) that does dream about your dear, dear child. Don't feel that God is punishing you by not allowing you to dream-this is from the enemy to make you angry at God. Do not despair that someone else gets to see your child again while you wait for years and years. Do not be angry at God----

Most of all remember that someday you will again be able to see your child in heaven and that you will never be seperated from them again. Have this hope when their seems to be no hope. That is a dream that will come true and will last forever!

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