Friday, October 22, 2010

How to describe the loss

I often have people say to me that they can't imagine the pain of losing a child. And I usually tell them in a very quick reply that I am so glad they don't understand it! If they understood it then they too would have lost a child. This is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, ever!

Shortly after DJ's death though I came up with an analogy, a visual that I hope really kind of helps people get what it is like to the smallest degree. I don't want them to get "it" so they can understand my pain but to get it so they can help someone else in the same place.

My analogy:

Losing a child is like being in a terrible car accident and you have lost a limb. You learn how to live- deal without that arm-leg but you miss it everyday and think about it everyday even though it is no longer there.

As a parent who has lost a child it is like I (and everyone else out there) have been in a tragic accident. The loss has the same impact of a car crash, the searing pain and ripping of metal is the same of that pain and ripping of our hearts. The loss of the limb is just like our child being ripped from our hearts and souls. Never to be seen or used or touched again. The intense ripping of the limb results in scars and change that we will have everyday for the rest of our lives. These scars are just ones that people do not see on the outside, they are hidden below the surface but are still there none the less. That child is missed everyday and never, ever do we forget about them.

We as parents learn how to live without that limb/without our child. We learn how to do the basics again like putting on a coat or a pair of pants. We learn to take life steps with the help of crutches, friends, with the support of others. We learn to live again even when we don't want to.

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