Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I feel like a Lifetime Channel Movie

I feel like a Lifetime Channel movie sometime and apparently I am not alone. I feel like I have had a beginning, am in the middle of the middle and there will be an end. I was speaking to a friend this week who was having some struggles and she wished she had a crystal ball to figure out the outcomes. She felt if she could see the end results that all the issues she was dealing with would be easier to deal with. She wished she could see the end of the movie to have the strength to work through the middle. I so related---

I often feel that DJ's death has become the beginning of my story-it is the opening scene of the movie-it is a tear jerker and it creates a chain of events that alter the main characters forever. I feel my story is the beginning of the movie and my books, blogs, struggles, children's struggles, depression, full out life is the middle of the movie. The middle part where all the characters are unsure if they will ever get through the junk, if there will ever be a positive outcome. If we, if I, if my friend, if the characters of the movie could just fast forward to the end of the movie than they would have strength to keep fighting and keep going on.

I have seen some of the end of the movie--or atleast a few scenes, a few minutes of it---I have seen some of DJ's friends accept Christ. I have seen people's relationships with their children change after seeing our son lose his life. I have seen families require their children to wear helmets to keep them safe, safe from tragedy like that of DJ's accident.

But what is the end result? Will my book or blog someday help someone struggling to overcome depression, overcome the loss of their loved one? Will their story then become the beginning of another movie--one with a new middle and new end?

I have to be honest, I liked my old movie--my old life--my old me. I didn't want to be a blip on anyone's radar screen-I liked having my family intact and no one knowing the story line of the movie. I liked DJ being in the beginning, the middle and the end. I liked having my son to look at, touch, talk to, hug and plain out enjoy. I don't like this new movie and I certainly don't like the fact that I feel like I am in the middle and have no end in sight and no fast forward button to see the finish-to see if all the struggles were worth it.

My story and that of my friend and of so many others seems to be just a story of loss and struggle. Is all the pain and struggle worth it? If I were answering from a religious view I would ofcourse say Yes and that we all have to have strength and faith--yadee yadee yadee. I am not meaning to discredit the relationship I have with Christ but some days those are not the answers that really help. I get the spiritual side of it and that is why I stand up today but somedays I want the fast forward button and I want the answers to the end of the play, I want a crystal ball to let me know that all this pain has a happy ending somewhere-for someone--if not me than for someone far reaching, a few scenes away.

No comments:

Post a Comment