Sunday, June 13, 2010

We are not seeing the world

So many people were at DJ's funeral,I didn't recognize or know them all. A friend I knew for over 20 years came and began talking to me, I didn't recognize him. I had to ask him who he was, grief takes your memories but leaves you with so many more---a poor trade I feel. From the outside, people who have lost a child look almost normal, most of us smile when we are supposed to, laugh when we should, act a part that society wants us to act. But in reality, especially in the beginning we are only acting to placate those around us. Very few people want to know how we really are after a few weeks. We are supposed to be fine, atleast that is the answer most want to hear. Fine means Feelings Inside Not Expressed--so don't be fooled by us, we are not fine, we are not doing okay, we are not truly engaged in anything but our grief. Right after DJ's death I had two realities, the one in front of me with people, family, activities, etc. but the other reality was what was in my head. A constant video was playing in my memory, a constant replay of my last days with DJ, a replay of the funeral, all the things that were horrible, all the things that were not actually in front of me were playing in my brain. This is why I feel people with grief have bad memories, while we are with you we are also somewhere else and that somewhere else has a strong hold on our memory. So don't be upset with us if after a few years even we just can't remember some things, help us by reminding us gently of things we have to do, lunch with a friend, a school meeting we must attend. Don't think just because our eyes are open that we are seeing the world.

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