Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The funeral does not stop the loss

When you lose a child you don't only lose that child. You lose the children that you have remaining, they do not stay the same, you lose the people they were before and who they were planning to become. You lose friendships, you lose faith, you lose who you are and who you may have wanted to be. You lose desires and passions, you lose yourself, you lose your spouse. The loss is slow and building. You are often so blind by grief that you can't see what is in front of you. You don't even know you are losing things right away. You never stop losing, the cemetary, the funeral, and the death do not put an end to the loss. Loss keeps coming at you from all angles. from everwhere expected and unexpectd. After DJ passed away there were a lot of losses in the family. Our daughter went from being a blond outgoing teenager, always wanting to hang out with friends to a black haired, heavy makeuped girl hanging out in her room whenever possible. She lost the personality, the creativity she had before DJ's death. She lost the relationship she had with us and DJ. She lost her bestfriend and her confident. She lost the life long person she knew was always by her side. She lost the one person in the world that she could tell everything to and the one person that would still love her unconditionally no matter what.
Our youngest son could no longer stay the night at any one's house, he couldn't be away from his family at night. He lost his confidence in himself and in the world. He couldn't go to his kid's bible group anymore, he would get sad there. Eventually we let him stop completely, it was just too difficult for him to go. He lost friendships with people that DJ knew, he lost the connections he had with these older boys. He lost the "best big brother ever" He lost the safety of his big brother at night when he was scared, he lost the boy that would walk him to the bus after school. He lost the friend he had and would never have again. He lost the idea that the world was a safe place to be. He lost, she lost and we all keep losing.

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