Where are the injuries?

     I have lost my son DJ.  He has been gone for almost 5 years-5 years in October.  I stand up and walk around every day.  I smile, I laugh.  I talk to friends, strangers, the world.  I look normal on the outside (insert humour here).  On the outside my hair is done, my teeth are brushed, I appear to be "put together". 
     But what is on the inside?  That is where the injuries truly are.  The broken heart is on the inside, yes, it pumps everyday but it is broken.  It has spots where it is healed but there are scars in those areas.  There are full sections of my heart that are open and bleeding and I see no repair to those in the new future. 
     My brain isn't truly my own either.   There are days that it goes onto a trail, onto a memory that causes me pain.  It decides what memory it brings forth--sometimes they are painful. Painful memories of the accident, of the doctor telling us DJ was not alert, of that horrible hospital wall that held me up.  Somedays it takes me down the yellow brick road of seeing DJ skateboard and fly through the air.  It is seeing his beautiful green eyes and hugging his skinny body.  My brain is full of memories, good and bad and I have no control over those.
     My body is no longer mine, my energy level has changed.  Grief takes energy away, it robs and steals from me.  So many days the grief stays at bay and I seemingly live a normal life, but others it is gone.  My body has revolted against me more days than I would like to admit but I charge forward anyway-what choice do I have?
     Perhaps this is just the rambles of a tired mother, but what I guess  I am trying to say is that just because we all look normal we are all injured inside.  Whether you have lost a child or not, whether you know this horrible pain or not chances are you are injured on the inside too.
     No one in this life is immune from pain, no one has a free ticket from hardship. 
     My challenge to all of us today is to be aware of other people.  Realize that everyone has pain, everyone has a story of hurts---just because we can't see them on the outside, there are definitely injuries on the inside.  Be kind, be caring.  Take that extra second and smile and acknowledge that person next to you.  Remember that whether you have lost a child or not injuries are everywhere on everyone and we all need to be a bit kinder to one another.

Life is full of triggers

     I called my brother the other day.  There was a car accident on his street that made the television news.  It was a severe accident. I was worried that perhaps his daughter was the woman that made the news and was rushed to the hospital.  As I was talking to him I was truly surprised that I started to tear up on the phone.  I didn't mean to, I didn't think that calling him about a car accident would make me sad, but it did.  The woman in the accident wasn't his daughter and I did find out during our conversation that the woman was okay.  But again, I was surprised that my voice was starting to crack on the phone and I had to change the subject to keep my brother from hearing the sadness in my voice.

     How many of us have had phone calls though that have changed our lives?  Too many, this is a fact I know only too well.  So many of us have had that call "The ambulance is on the way." "There was an accident"  "I'm sorry to tell you this, but (fill in the blank here)."  I know you all could give me a long list of variations.

    Again though, I didn't expect to be saddened five years after DJ's death about a phone call that had nothing to do with me personally.  When does the sneak-up grief end?  Does it truly ever?  I have taught myself to be aware of things, triggers I call them-that may cause me to be sad about DJ.  Triggers like seeing his best friends around town, triggers like seeing skateboarders around town or on television.  Triggers of senior pictures that are coming my way from his class, triggers of his pictures, posters, toys, t- shirts on his brother or sister.  These are things I'm aware of, I can see coming and have taught myself to divert my brain from.  I do a "180" with my thoughts to keep myself from falling into that hole, into that grief.  That phone call was a surprising trigger for me.

     What is your trigger?  Are you far enough in your journey to be able to pull back from that trigger, to divert your thoughts?  Are you far enough though that you wish your pain was still so strong, do you worry you are forgetting your child by not grieving so strongly?  Or are you so close that you cannot say your child's name yet without tears flowing?   Both time lines suck, too close and too far away from our child. 

     I am sorry we all have triggers.  I am sorry that we have to retrain our brains to not have severe grief hit us.  I am sorry we are away from our child and awaiting a reunion that probably won't happen for years and years.  I am sorry we all have broken hearts. 

     I am having a book signing at the Bookworm in Omaha at Country Side Village on October 8, 2011- if any of you are local and can come I would like to meet you and encourage you.  I am sorry we are all in the same boat and only too well understand each other's pain.  It is DJ's 5th anniversary of his death on that date so you can all come and encourage me as well.  Take care dearest friends, Lisa-forever DJ's mom

  

    

I haven't raised a 14 year old boy before

My youngest son Jake will be 14 years old this year.  As I was looking at him I realized that I don't know anything about raising a 14 year old boy.  I know this may sound odd to some of  you but not to my bereaved parent's brain.

DJ was 13 years old when he passed away- from him I felt I had a pretty good handle on the "ins and outs"of a 13 year old boy.  Without even realizing it I didn't worry too much about raising Jake along the way.  But this week I became aware of the fact that I haven't had the experiences of a 14 year old boy, DJ passed away too soon. 

This simple little thought has made my heart ache this week because it silently shouts out to me that I have been robbed of raising DJ past 13 years of age and Jake too has been robbed of having a 14,15,16,17,18 year old brother.  Life has a way of reminding me of the many losses that come with the passing of a child.

I am now in new territory with Jake, I am in an unknown area.  I am sure it will be full of good things, great memories and challenges. It will also be full of missing memories as well--no graduation memory of DJ, no chance for DJ to help Jake learn how to drive.  No prom or homecoming for DJ and no chance for Jake to tease DJ about a girl friend.  The list goes on and on.

Life is full of memories but it is also full of missing memories and of those I have many.  Who knew the passage of age for Jake would take on such meaning to me?  The answer is all of you that have lost a child--so many missing memories, so many ways to further miss our children.  I am sure there will be so many more things coming up in life until the day I reunite with DJ in heaven--we all will have them. 

2 Sidenotes---I do not know how to comment back to all of you that comment on my post. I would love to-so if you leave a comment to me directly on facebook I will be able to respond.

Also, I will be having a book signing at The Bookworm bookstore in Omaha on October 8 -the 5th anniversary of DJ's death. If you can't make it you can order my book Flowers on a Child's Grave, Now What? at flowersonagrave.com

Buying a suit

I had to go shopping for a suit for my 13 year old son last month.  His Grandpa, my father-in-law passed away and Jake was asked to be a paul bearer. 

The last time I bought a suit for Jake was when DJ passed away, almost 5 years ago.  This time I didn't take Jake with me shopping, I made the best guesses I could on his size and went from there.  I didn't want Jake to have that connection with this suit. 

5 years ago while buying the suit for DJ's funeral at the department store Jake broke down. He said all he wanted for his birthday (only 11 days after DJ's funeral) was "DJ to come back".  He didn't want any toys, only his brother.  Needless to say it was a very hard day at the mall.  I didn't want Jake to even think about that day 5 years ago if I could help it. 

It's funny though because as much as you think you are shielding your kids from remembrances, associations, and pain they are already a few steps ahead of you in the thought process---  Jake had already thought about the funeral, but especially the viewing.

I asked Jake if he wanted to go to the viewing, I had already decided that I didn't want him to go since DJ's had been at the same exact funeral home and even the same room but I did want him to have the chance to discuss it.  He immediately said he didn't want to go, his words were "I have had enough sorrys" I asked him if he was talking about sorrys for Grandpa or DJ and he said DJ.  Wow, what an exact statement from a 13 year old, I was impressed.  It was very precise and very true.  I learned a little bit about Jake that day--

He knew about death in a way that most 13 years olds don't (and I wish he didn't)
He knew about all the things people say over and over again.
He knew that he was tired of hearing "I'm sorry"
He knew that he didn't want to hear "I'm sorry" if he could help it.
I learned he is stronger and smarter about grief than most adults.
I learned that he is able to make his own decisions based on experience about death.
He has grown up with grief as a part of his life and has learned how to manage it.
He is going to be an amazing adult-he will be able to relate to people with tragedy and grief-

I wish Jake had been isolated from all of that wisdom and knowledge (so wise for being so young) but he hasn't.  He is a product of a life that was shaken up and tossed about but he will be fine.  He is often stronger than I think and obviously much smarter.  I bought him a suit for a funeral but I think he will be happy to wear it anytime.  He has changed and gotten stronger in five years and I am amazed at who he is and who he is becoming. 

The world reminded me of DJ's death today

Today I received a package in the mail for DJ.  He would have been 18 years old this year and oddly enough a package from Procter and Gamble came today for him saying Happy 18th Birthday from Gillette.  It was full of deodorant and razers, etc-a marketing piece that came to a child that is not alive.  Apparently this company did not get the heads up that DJ passed away almost 5 years ago.  I receive college information occasionally for him still--he would be a junior this year and it would have been the time to decide on college.  I get ACT/SAT information for him also.  I know these companies get information when our children are born, or when they start school, but do they not get the death announcement as well?  Apparently not. 

I remember the year DJ passed away and I had to do my taxes.  I looked on the tax return and DJ was not listed as a dependent.  He passed away in October-so in my opinion he would have been a deduction for 10 months of that year.  I even called my accountant and he said "No the government does not allow you to claim a child for the year they died."  The government apparently decided he didn't live at all that year. 

I am very glad the razor package didn't come a few months after DJ passed away because I would not have survived it very well--it would have sent me into a hole--the world thinking he was still alive, a life gone too soon.

What is the outside world doing that is reminding you that your child is gone?  Is it a bill from before they died?  Is it a package that comes in the mail that they ordered and were never able to receive?  Is it a youth group that is doing an outing that your child was supposed to be at?  Is it a promotion that their friend got in their place at work?  The list goes on and on--I am only writing this today to make the bereaved parent beware--that things can come in the mail very unexpectedly-that when you are not looking something will pop up from the world that will remind you a little extra that your child is not alive.

Casey Anthony case-life is unjust

This week I decided to take a small break from blogging.  I have been posting and sharing on lots of grief sites lately and I was beginning to feel the hole calling to me.  I really feel it is part of my honoring DJ that I offer whatever help I can to others that have lost children and one way is going to many facebook sites and answering bereaved parent's questions and offering support.  I was helped along the way after DJ passed away and feel that we the bereaved parents need to pay it forward to others along this horrible path. 

Well, then the Casey Anthony case was everywhere on the news and here comes another blog.  As many of you know I do not watch the news anymore, I have had enough loss and drama in my life that I try very hard not to watch more tragedy on television-this murder case however could not be missed.

Synapsos-the mother was charged with murdering her little girl.  The evidence seemed so obvious to everyone in the word, in the media, and all the commentators that surely she would get a guilty verdict.  Well apparently there were many things that the jury heard and knew that made them give her a not guilty verdict.  This made so many parents across the nation and probably the world terribly angry.  But I think that the bereaved parents are angrier-Why? Well...

We had no choice over the loss of our child.  Our children died accidentally, or because of health reasons.  Some were murdered and taken away from their families, others took their own lives--so many ways to lose a child but the fact is that we the parents did not have the choice in the matter and by all apparent facts this mother did.  She got a non-guilty verdict and maybe some day the truth will come out-whether it was her or not it does not change the fact that a little girl is dead. 

So many people hurt their children, so many abuse their child and neglect them yet do not lose them to death.  So many parents chose to destroy their wonderful gifts from God--what we the bereaved would give to have our child back and these parents chose to destroy their children.  There is no justice in that.  We wanted our children, would want them back and others have done horrible things to their
children and yet they do lose them. 

This mother or someone murdered Casey Anthony, put duct tape over her mouth and dumped her body.  This is pure evil and someday God will certainly take justice for it.  Most of life is unjust, we live in a sinful, tough world and in the end God will take care of that injustice but for now -it is what it is. 

Bottom line---life is full of choices, I chose to love DJ every single day of his life and still do now.  You all have children and people in your lives that you can chose to love or not.  That is where the justice in the world starts, with our own choices of either loving one another honestly and sincerely or not.  If this woman had been loved would her child be alive? If she had known what sincere love was would Casey still be alive?  This is where the world's justice starts--love one another--it is God's commandment to us---why did He state it so strongly? Because life is unjust, life is hard and without love little girls like Casey lose their lives. 

A road is a road to many but a road is an accident scene to many of us. A cross on the highway is a wood structure to some but a marker of someone special to a bereaved parent. Flowers along a street are just plastic to the nonbreaved parent but to many they are a reminder of the life and the death of a loved one. The road, the street, the accident scene is in our head, in our memories and in reality as well. 

DJ's accident was on a road near me.  I am thankful that I do not have to go by the scene ever.  I do not have to drive along that section of street and see DJ laying on the ground in pain, I do not need to go there physically because I can see it everyday in my head without ever traveling there.  There are many parents that do have to travel along the road or close to it and again, I am thankful for myself that I do not have to deal with that. 

I do have to travel daily along the route that I drove to get to DJ's accident scene though.  I wish I did not, but I just drive and try very hard not to think of anything other than the immediate travels.  I do not think about driving way above the speed limit to get to him-(I flew to my boy but it wasn't fast enough)--only to see him holding his head on the ground going in and out of consciousness.

One of the many horrible things about losing a child is that we the bereaved parents do not need to go somewhere like the accident scene, the hospital, the morgue, the funeral home, the grave site, etc to remember the death of our children.  Though I do not travel to the accident scene I can describe it very well to all of you if I wanted to. I can see it in my memory like it was yesterday.  I know what clothes I was wearing, what DJ had on.  Where I parked, where DJ's friends were sitting along the curb. I can still see his bestfriend crying on the curb.  I can feel the blood that was on the street that got stuck on my foot from DJ's head injury.  I can see DJ being worked on by the paramedics from the large red truck.  I can hear them asking me what his name was and having them calling DJ by name to keep him alert.  I remember these things easily and painfully.  I do not need to go to the scene to remember it. 

Often well meaning stupid people tell us to "get over it"- what "they" don't understand is that memories do not go away easily-especially difficult painful ones.  Just because I am not physically standing at DJ's accident scene the memory is no less intense.  We do not get over things like the world wants us to because everything is just a memory away.  How do you "get over" something so quickly that lives with you every day?  The memories are there inside our minds, inside our hearts.

Again--A road is a road to many but a road is an accident scene to many of us.  A cross, flowers, a teddy bear, a pinwheel, a marker--these things are a reminder of our children.  So the next time you see one do not just think of it's physical attributes, think of the child, the husband, the wife, the PERSON that lived once and does no more.  We remember our loved one everyday and we want you to be aware that they lived too!