How many of us have had phone calls though that have changed our lives? Too many, this is a fact I know only too well. So many of us have had that call "The ambulance is on the way." "There was an accident" "I'm sorry to tell you this, but (fill in the blank here)." I know you all could give me a long list of variations.
Again though, I didn't expect to be saddened five years after DJ's death about a phone call that had nothing to do with me personally. When does the sneak-up grief end? Does it truly ever? I have taught myself to be aware of things, triggers I call them-that may cause me to be sad about DJ. Triggers like seeing his best friends around town, triggers like seeing skateboarders around town or on television. Triggers of senior pictures that are coming my way from his class, triggers of his pictures, posters, toys, t- shirts on his brother or sister. These are things I'm aware of, I can see coming and have taught myself to divert my brain from. I do a "180" with my thoughts to keep myself from falling into that hole, into that grief. That phone call was a surprising trigger for me.
What is your trigger? Are you far enough in your journey to be able to pull back from that trigger, to divert your thoughts? Are you far enough though that you wish your pain was still so strong, do you worry you are forgetting your child by not grieving so strongly? Or are you so close that you cannot say your child's name yet without tears flowing? Both time lines suck, too close and too far away from our child.
I am sorry we all have triggers. I am sorry that we have to retrain our brains to not have severe grief hit us. I am sorry we are away from our child and awaiting a reunion that probably won't happen for years and years. I am sorry we all have broken hearts.
I am having a book signing at the Bookworm in Omaha at Country Side Village on October 8, 2011- if any of you are local and can come I would like to meet you and encourage you. I am sorry we are all in the same boat and only too well understand each other's pain. It is DJ's 5th anniversary of his death on that date so you can all come and encourage me as well. Take care dearest friends, Lisa-forever DJ's mom