I went to DJ's gravesite this week

This week was DJ's 18th birthday, his 5th birthday since he passed away in 2006.  I went to his gravesite the day before his birthday, I didn't want to go on the day of his birthday incase I ran into someone I knew.  It is a really difficult place for me to go, I know many parent's that go and find a lot of peace from it but I only find pain-even 5 years later. 

This year was a little odd though.  I went and had two sensations.  At first I felt as if I didn't stay long enough and actually went back to his grave.  After a few minutes of that I felt as if I was an intruder and I didn't belong there.  I have never had that feeling before.

Is it a sign of the grief subsiding? Is it a sign that I am healthier than I was just a few years ago.  I don't know the answer to either of these questions.  I do not know why I felt like an intruder, like I didn't belong there but I did.  If anyone reading my blog has felt this before let me know your insight into it and apparently if you have felt it don't feel guilty about it because I can't be the only one--or am I?  I would appreciate any comments or direction on this one. 

(My book has only one copy left at Parables in Omaha and is still available at the Bookworm locally.  If anyone would like an ebook form or would like to order it directly from me you can go to flowersonagrave.com)

Mother's Day-No guilt for the living

Mother's Day came and went.

During the middle of it though I realized that my family seemed to be living without DJ as if he was never here or had never died. I only felt it for a few minutes, but I felt a definite missing, a definite recognition of this fact. It made me angry that we all were living without him, managing without DJ.

I posted about it on facebook later that day and in the end my husband was quite upset about my comment. He told me he never quit thinking of DJ. He told me that he had worked hard over the last 4 1/2 years to make our lives as normal as possible.

So, what did I get from all of this? That our normal life is now living without DJ here on earth. However, he is always in our minds, always in our hearts, and never far away from our thoughts.

I have become accustomed to DJ not being with us anymore and that just stinks. There is never a day or an hour that goes by that I do not think of DJ but I am used to him not being here now and I do not like that.

I do not want the pain of the first two years, I do not want to replay that time of my life ever again. My heart breaks for those bereaved parents that are at the less than two year mark, it is so incredibly hard and painful.

I do not however ever want to have that feeling again of living life without DJ as normal. Have I gotten so used to him being gone, have I lived my life without him for so long that I could possibly forget him? Never, never, never!!

What have I caused myself to have? I have created false guilt, I have allowed the enemy to come in and make me feel guilty over living a life when DJ has not.

My challenge for myself and for any of you reading this is that we should never have guilt over living! We should not feel badly for living our lives even though our children are gone.

I will never forget DJ, my family will never forget him!! Thinking for even a second that we are living as if he was never alive is absolutely absurd. I will never live my life as if DJ never existed but I also will never feel guilt over continuing to live. DJ would want me to live a life that is full of passion and adventure. He would not want me sitting on the couch mourning over him. My life is fuller because DJ lived.

Anticipation

My youngest son passed up DJ in age. My son Jake is now older than his oldest brother.

I knew this day would happen one day and I was truly dreading it. I was certain that it would cause me a lot of pain, that it would be a terrible mile stone that I would be fully aware of. I just knew that I was going to feel horrible that one exact day. And then something crazy happened....

Jake passed up DJ when I wasn't even looking. I didn't know it happened. I was sitting in the conference at The Compassionate Friends this April thinking about that one, certainly painful day and realized that it had gone and went without my knowledge. The anticipated pain of the day was over before it even began. I have to admit that I was actually relieved. I was dreading the day and I ended up not having to succumb to the pain at all.

This is a prime example of how the anticipation of an event is far worse than the actual day. DJ's birthday is just around the corner and I am dreading it as well, however after almost 5 years I know that the time up to his birthday can be more painful than the actual day. I have experienced mile stones pertaining to DJ's death where the day after it was as if a physical weight was taken off my shoulders almost immediately after the event. The pain, the stress, the worry, the anxiety of the event lifted right after it. I can feel it, I can sense the release. For me there is a sense of relief after the day. The worry before, what I think will be the horrible pain coming usually doesn't come on that exact date, it is the time up to it that is usually the hardest.

I think almost all people can easily think of the worst thing that will happen to them, it is always easier to think of the most negative than any positive. I feel this is why the anticipation is worse than the day...we imagine the worse before it ever happens. Face it, if you are a bereaved parent you have certainly faced the worst life can give you--we know it fully so it is easy to imagine it.

If you are a newly bereaved parent about to come upon a milestone of your child's world be prepared for three things 1. The days up to the event will kick your butt, the grief will hit you days maybe even weeks before the event. 2. The day will probably not be near as painful as you think it will be 3. The day will pass, it is only 24 hours and eventually it will be gone and the intense pain of the day will fade.

Being prepared for the pain to come is important, it will come and it will go. It will come in heavy waves and it can take flight like feathers in the wind.

If you are a loved one, a friend of a bereaved parent realize too that your friend is going to be grieving weeks before the mile stone. Give them grace and understanding--it is by God's grace that you have not lost a child and you must understand that the pain can come sooner than you think it should.

(If you live locally you can buy my book at the Bookworm bookstore in Countryside Village, also I am beginning my work on the bible study companion book for it)

I was watching the news about Bin Laden today--figuring it was completely safe. Ofcourse I was so wrong. A story scrolled down on the screen that I should not have read. A mother killed her husband and her 12 year old daughter and then set her home on fire, killing herself as well.

This just makes me sick. How many of us would give our own lives to have our child back? How many of us would go to hell and back to hug them again? How many of us only want the years behind us to be nothing more than a nightmare? This child did not have the opportunity to grow up and see the world, that life was stolen away from her.

I don't know the circumstances, the dynamics of this family that made this woman take such extreme action I only know that the gift of life is so precious and after losing a child I am more aware of that than ever. It breaks my heart to know that this happened to a child, it rocks me to the core to hear those kind of stories, over and over again.

I do not have enough words to full express that none of us should take life for granted. It is a gift and none of us know how long we have or our own children have. When I dedicated our children back to the Lord when they were young it was to show respect to God. Showing that I truly did not own my children but that they are only on loan from God. This too I understood like never before after DJ passed away.

Don't take your child for granted, don't take your spouse or any loved one for granted today. In fact I challenge you all today to let those around you know that you love them. We all need to hear that daily, and sometimes more than just once!! That woman must not have felt loved to have caused so much pain and tragedy, how sad and horrible. Love those around you today.

Divorce

I was watching a morning show awhile back. The host was interviewing a family that had lost a child and the couple had gotten divorced. What struck me was the comment made by the woman (I'm paraphrasing here) "The death of our child was too hard on our marriage and of course we divorced."

The woman had no doubt that her marriage could not withstand the loss of her child. It made me sad to hear her words and to think that she absolutely saw no way that her marriage could stay intact.

I have interviewed families that were not able to withstand the loss BUT I have also interviewed some that have become stronger after the loss of their child.

My husband Donnie was amazing after DJ passed away. Within the first week he said "We will not let this destroy our marriage." This of course has not always been easy. Marriage is tough enough in today's world let alone having a child pass away.

If you are reading this and thinking divorce is your only option let me tell you somethings that have helped Donnie and I and also many of the people I have interviewed-

• Men and women grieve differently. Husbands and wives grieve differently. Many men do not want to speak about the death too much. Some want to talk about their child all the time. Some women cannot stop crying and some men only cry by themselves late at night. None of this is wrong it is just different for each person. No one person's way to grieve is right or wrong. Do not judge your spouse harshly if they are not grieving the way you do, it does not mean they love your child any more or less than you do.


• I completely believe that God knows the exact day and time that our lives will end. It would have done me or Donnie no good to blame each other for DJ's death. Neither one of us could have stopped it from happening. God took DJ on October 8, 2006. Nothing either of us could have done would have stopped it. Do not blame each other. As so many people say "it is what it is". It sucks, it isn't right, I wish God hadn't taken DJ when he was 13 years old but He did and blaming Donnie or myself would do no good.


• Medication is okay. Do not hesitate to contact your doctor or someone to help you get through the really hard times. It is not a weakness to get help medically. Be supportive of one another if they need to take something to take the intensity of the pain away. Medication is better than alchohol or drugs--keep that in mind.


• I have often thought since DJ's death that no one else in the world could walk through this tragedy with me. No one else would understand why I would be sad when I saw skateboarders. No other person would understand that ducks remind me of DJ in a funny way. No one else (like another spouse) would get the pain or understand it as fully as Donnie would--so why would I ever want to divorce Donnie and try to explain it all to someone else that had never met DJ or loved him?


• Intimacy becomes different after you lose a child and this doesn't mean you love your spouse less. For women it is emotional and can bring intense emotional pain after and for men it is a stress reliever. This makes the connection difficult at times, with one spouse running away from intimacy and the other needing it. Give each other time and have patience with one another.


• You and your spouse will never be the same people you were before you lost your child so quit trying to make them be. There is a challenge in this though-you may become a better person--more caring, more compassionate, more loving. Look for the good things in your spouse that have perhaps changed, become better together.


• For me and so many that I have interviewed the one truth in staying together is that Jesus has been the key to our relationships. Without God to hold onto and to take the weight of our pain I know without a shadow of a doubt that neither Donnie or I or the people I interviewed would be standing today together. Find strength in God, He is big enough to carry your pain when you cannot hold up under it any longer!!

I want to thank all of you that have recommended my book to families and friends. It has been an honor to touch so many people's lives that have lost children and offer support to them.

(If you are a first time reader you can check out all my blogs at flowersonagrave.com and also order my book on this site as well.)

How are you today?

A question commonly asked in Western culture...How are you? And the expected answer is always FINE. How are you today? Fine How are you feeling? Fine How are things going? Fine Do you know what FINE means? Feelings Inside Not Expressed Do most people really want to know how we feel? No, not really. Everyone just wants the normal answer of Fine. Somedays we are fine, others we are obviously not. How are you today? Heartbroken How are you feeling? Like crap How are things going? Like a train wreck and the hole looks promising Today and next week I challenge you to see how many people just say "FINE" when you ask them how they are doing. I challenge you to see how many times y0u respond with the same verbage. We are not fine, not of us are fine--bereaved parent or not. Are you strong enough to hear the real answer of how we as all people are doing? Do you truly care how we are all doing? Do any of us care about the people around us enough to pause two seconds and truly find out how we are doing? How am I doing today? I am doing good enough, movers are coming tonight and we move into a different home tomorrow (only two miles away) I am too tired to be sad, I am too exhausted to find that hole. It is far away today. I have had glimpses of sadness this week, I have seen DJ's GI Joe house and that made me sad. Jake and I took down some of DJ's pictures off the bedroom door and that made both of us a little sad. There are hills and valleys of grief but no mountains right now. Next week may be different---just ask and I might tell you FINE and I might not.

What color are your child's eyes?

I had the honor of holding a workshop at The Compassionate Friends Regional meeting in Omaha this weekend and truly what an honor it was!! I had the privilege of helping a newly bereaved mother hook up with someone in her town to walk along side her and that made all the work of the event worth it!! This woman knew no one in her small town to walk along side her in her new pain and now she does and that was an amazing connection to see happen!! One of the speakers changed the way I held my workshop this weekend. She challenged all the attendents to tell our child's life story instead of our child's death story when asked about our child. This is such a change in prospective for so many including myself. People ask me about DJ and I always start with telling them about the skateboarding accident and his death. I cannot think of anytime that has not happened. Well from this day forward I am going to try to start with his life first--he lived first and died second anyway so why not? It only makes sense if you think about it!! My son lived and he lived fully for those 13 years and people should know that, he was an amazing child and people should know that. The presenter also told us to tell people the color of our child's eyes. DJ's eyes were a beautiful green color and funny enough when I spoke with other people know one else's children's eyes were green, there were many blue eyed children but surprisingly enough there weren't any green except DJ's. My challenge for you all today and this week is to tell someone your child's life story instead of their death story first. Tell them your child's eye colors. Honor your child's life this week instead of mourning their death! (Flowers on a Child's Grave, Now What? was the number one book sold at the Regional Conference this weekend in Omaha--I hope DJ is proud of his Mommy because I was proud of him every day!)