I went to a football game this week--young men from age 13 and up were on the team. While watching the game it occured to me the last time I had gone to a kid's game was when DJ was playing. DJ was still alive.
Life has a way of recycling itself. I have been on this painful journey for almost five years now and I thought I had most things figured out. I think my last blog probably had the same exact sentiment as well--I thought I had this figured out. After all I've written a book on surviving the loss of a child. I speak to those grieving parents, I hold workshops. It truly blesses me to know that I am able to help so many bereaved parents through this piece of hell. Well all of that matters very little when you are the one walking the walk. The walk is one that you inevitably do by yourself in your own mind.
So I now have finally figured it out---We the bereaved parents will always have triggers, there will always be things that will remind us of our children. There will truly never be a day that we do not remember our children with joy, with pain, or with sorrow. Till the day we reunite with our child in heaven the grief will never, ever end. It will subside, it will be more managable, it will kick our butts occasionally but in the end the grief will always be there with us because our children are not. It does not take place of our child but they are a package deal--grief and our child. We cannot have the loss without the grief-it reminds us of our loss, of the love we have for our child. It is truly a horrible and obvious paradox-one I wish I did not understand.
There is comfort in this truth though, it releases me and all of us from the guilt that "we should be getting better" "we should be over it". As most of you know from reading my blogs I do not give into guilt, I believe it is from the enemy. However, knowing that the grief will always be there is a bit of a freedom, it keeps me sane knowing that grief will always follow me.
I challenge you all to feel less guilt today about your grief, allow yourself the freedom to know it will always be a part of your life but is a remembrance of your wonderful child. Again, the parody here sucks but is none the less true. Be good to yourself, be kind to yourself and do not take on that false guilt the world wants to hand you--for by the grace of God they do not truly understand us.
(I want to thank you all for the wonderful comments and stories you tell me especially about your child! Please comment to me on facebook if you would like, my blog site does not allow me to respond directly to your comments)
Again-if you are local I will be having a book signing on October 8, 2006 at theBookworm in Omaha at CountrySide Village. If you can't come you can check out my book at flowersonagrave.com