Sunday, December 26, 2010

Too much time alone

I used to mow my lawn, we have an acreage so it gave me a lot of time to think and reflect on life. I used to really like to mow. This was before DJ passed away.

I used to love shoveling snow--okay, YES I know that is weird but I really like the challenge of getting it done before my neighbors get theirs done. I used to like doing this before DJ passed away.

I do not like doing these things anymore, I don't even mow my yard anymore-we hire it out.

I used to like to escape in a movie on television and get recharged by being alone, not so much anymore.

Why, don't I like these things anymore?

Too much time alone. I am not good at being alone too long anymore. It gives me too much time to think, too much time to reflect on life and this reflection is often painful.

If I am alone I am usually doing a specific task--something that takes up brain power and makes me concentrate. I don't do casual idle time very well. Actually I don't do idle time at all--most people who know me know that I don't sit down until the day is over. Once I sit it is time to sleep and that is my idle time.

I need to be busy. I need to be busy with my hands--baking, cooking, cleaning, sewing, etc. I need to be busy with my mind, writing, creating Captain Tag books with my family, homeschooling Jake. I guess it is a good thing that I have lots of things I like to do at home because they keep me busy.

Maybe there are other grieving parents out there that need that time alone, time to think of their child and ponder on the relationships they had. I just can't do that, I think of DJ all the time anyway and I can't be alone too long in my thoughts or I just get sad and go down that hole that is dark, deep and hard to get out of. A rabbit hole....

A complete side not here--There is a movie coming out called The Rabbit Hole--about a family 8 months after they lose a child. I don't plan on seeing this movie, if you have read my blog much you know that I just can't see movies like that---however, I have to say that the title is brilliant and the death of a child is like going into that Rabbit Hole--everything is different and seen from a total different perspective, you feel small, you feel too big, you feel lost, you feel crazy. My hat is off to the writer of this broadway play and movie because there is little else that encompasses the death of a child in just three words--it is brilliant.

(My book is out on ebook at It will be out on hardback in 4-6 weeks)

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