Friday, March 4, 2011


I realized last night that when I was young I had expectations-expectations that seemed realistic, but expectations none the least. I thought that I would get married to someone I loved. I would of course have children, two, three, maybe more. My husband and I would raise them, they would graduate with honors from school (just wanted some humor inserted). After sometime they would have children and I would be a grandparent. I expected someday I would die and my children would bury me. They would cry, pick out a headstone and place some nice sentiment on my headstone. This is the cycle of life that I expected to receive. I never doubted that this was how it would be...

I was naive, I was young and stupid. I was unaware that pain could come to me in truckloads. When DJ went flying down that steep hill on his skateboard my expectations went crashing as well. When DJ passed away on October 8, 2006 my expectations died with him.

I try not to expect much anymore. This is not a victim attitude, it is a realistic attitude. I have had my life completely turned upside down and shattered into a million pieces. I do not have the expectation that life will ever be what I think it may be.

I expected to get married--check
I expected to have children--check
I expected them to finish school--check
I expected DJ to grow up--uncheck
I expected DJ to have grandchildren--uncheck
I expected to die before my children--uncheck
I expected that I would never bury a child--uncheck
I expected to live a life without major trauma--uncheck
I expected to have control over my life--uncheck
I expected to survive life with all my children intact--uncheck
I expected my life to go the way I wanted it do--uncheck

What are your expectations? Have they changed since your child died? Mine certainly have...

I expect that life will be hard--check
I expect that I will have more trauma in life--check
I expect that I have no control over my life--check
I expect that people will forget my son--check
I expect that DJ's death will affect my family forever--check
I expect that there will be days still that grief will take over--check

There are so many things that I don't know are coming. There is a future ahead of me that is unsure, unaware, and unassuming. There is a future that may have more trauma, more grief, more pain.

There is however something else that could happen--There is also a future that will have joy and pleasure. There may be some wonderful things coming my way and that of my family in the future. There still may be grandchildren, there still may be that cycle of life that I can expect.

There is a life out there still--check
There are opportunities to take yet--check
There is still hope in this life--check
There are still dreams to come true--check
There is joy to find yet--check
There is an uncertain future--check
There are thrills and wonders to find--check

I don't expect things like I used to. I am thankful for every wonderful thing that comes my family's way. My expectations are gone. When good happens I am thankful for every little piece of it! When joy finds it's way into my family's life I am thrilled. No more expectations for me--they are gone yet a world of wonder is still in front of me.

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