Thursday, March 10, 2011

Church life after death

I had a friend who bought my book tell me something she learned after reading it. She was so surprised that all (but one family) of the families had a very difficult time going to church after their child died.

This woman had a family at her church that had lost a child and they didn't return for almost three years and she never understood why. She wondered too if her pastor understood it either. She assumed, like many, that the family would find solace at the church. That their friends were there and that they could find refuge and peace in the body of Christ.

This is a tricky situation that so many don't understand.

After we lose our child there are so many reasons that we cannot go to church...

We picture our child in the casket at the church.

I can tell you exactly where we sat during DJ's service. Jake fell asleep during the service right next to me. I know the exact placement where the casket was, where the musicians were, where the pastor stood during the funeral. I know what I was wearing along with my husband. I can see DJ's photo on the large screen. I can still hear the music that was played. This alone makes church difficult.

One woman I interviewed quit going to the church she attended and found a new one that did not hold so many memories.

Our family is no longer whole

The first time my family went to church after DJ's death the usher asked me "How many?" ugh, what a horrible question and even worse answer. The week before we were five and then we were four. Seeing other families with their children intact, sitting where DJ should have been was a constant reminder of my loss.

The Holy Spirit

The Spirit of God can be so strong at church that it can just be too overwhelming. I often wondered at very first if I started to cry at church if I would ever be able to stop. It became just too difficult to battle emotionally that eventually we quit going to church. It took us almost four years to get back on a mild consistent basis.

We can be mad at God

No one I interviewed was angry at or turned away from God after they lost their child. We didn't either but I know there are families out there that have and I understand. Why would He take the most important thing in our life? We would God allow such tragedy and pain to overcome us? These are all things and so many more that I asked God but I was never angry at Him but I so get it if that is you.

Please don't misunderstand those families out there that my be struggling with attending church. Everything in my life and theirs is now different and this surprisingly enough is one of those different things.

My book Flowers on a Child's Grave, Now What? is available in ebook or paperback at I am working at getting it into local book stores and also on Amazon this week but till then you can contact me directly at or go to me website. My cooking blog is also there along with my families book line of Captain Tag--check it all out if you like.

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