Thursday, September 30, 2010

What's in a name?

Today I was hit by two letters by an unsuspecting gentleman in the middle of my day. What were those two letters? They were DJ. My computer wasn't working well so I had to contact my internet company, after a few minutes I was transferred to someone higher up on the chain and his name was DJ. I didn't expect it, I wasn't prepared and it hit me hard.

This nice man was helpful and wonderful and the whole time I just wanted to tell him that my son's name was DJ and that he died almost 4 years ago. I wanted him to know that he had an unknowing connection with me and my son and my tragedy but I couldn't get the words out.

I felt them in my throat, I had them in my head but my heart would not allow them to be said. Thankfully he had to put me on hold for about 30 seconds which gave me time to cry without him knowing. Even now 15 minutes later I am on the verge of tears. And that is why I didn't allow the words to come out of my mouth, I would have been crying over the phone to the cable guy and I don't think I would have been able to stop.

How does this hit me so hard? Why am I nearly blubbering to the man on the phone. So many questions, I hate being hit so hard unexpectedly. I hate having to be prepared for whatever life throws at me, I hate not having my son here. I hate not being able to hold my tears in, I hate that the anniversary of DJ's death is only 9 days away. I hate that I am getting hit by it already, I didn't feel it yesterday but I sure do today.

What's in a name? My entire life..

(other movie to add to list--the Patriot)

1 comment:

  1. Hang in there Lisa....I wish I had words to make it better, but we both know that neither I nor anyone else does. For the most part we hold it in, but sometimes the flood gates just open up. Strange as it is when we have dabbled at the last tear we are pretty much wiped out and yet feel like we can once again put one foot in front of the other. Anniversaries are torture. Hugs, Diana