The first and fourth Thanksgiving

I still remember the first Thanksgiving--no not the Pilgrim's and Indian's Thanksgiving- No, the first Thanksgiving without DJ. It was terrible-it was only 6 weeks after his death. I can still remember going to the in-laws and seeing the table without DJ sitting at it. Seeing all the other long legged young men and not DJ. I remember my husband not going, not being able to sit at the table and pretend to be thankful for anything. I remember how quiet it seemed at the dinner table that Thanksgiving. I remember getting up early from the table to go into the other room, away from where my son should have been sitting. Away from the pain--or atleast three feet away from the table. The pain did not go away.

Now four Thanksgivings later I see a different one coming. I see one where I am thankful for my husband-that we have survived this tragedy-that our marriage is still intact and I still love him with all my heart. I see one where I am thankful for my two children that are safe and under my roof. I am thankful that they have come so far in the last four years yet it still breaks my heart that they have so far to go.

The in-laws want to take family pictures of everyone this Thanksgiving--I have already told my mother in law that we no longer do family pictures. We are missing a huge part of our family and there is no way we will do one--we haven't done one since DJ died. I see a Thanksgiving where we are more thankful than four years ago but I also see one that is forever changed and different.

Don't forget to be thankful for the really important things this year--and remember they aren't things-- they are people and relationships and those that you love. That is what I am thankful for and longing to see again.