Hang gliding

I had a friend who hang glided.  She went through the air all by herself and all alone, feeling the ups and downs by herself without any support.  Her feet dangled in midair and didn't have any firm ground to stand upon.  The wind would push her up and she would feel joy but had no one to share it with.  When the wind blew her down and forced her into the bellows just above the ground but no quite all the way down, no one was there to pull her up to safety.  She had to regain her strength, she had to use everything in her bones, in her heart, in her muscles, in her mind to get up.  She used up all her recourses just to survive.  When she was finally level she appeared to be safe again but she had nothing left to keep herself up any longer.  She was tired.  There was great sadness in this for those watching.  No one wanted her to fall again but she was too high up to realize this.  No one wanted her to be alone on this journey, in the highs and lows but the wind was blowing her around too much and she couldn't regain control of the glider and just didn't know that the sadness, just below her was there.  The wind kept pushing and pushing and she was unable to fly higher.  She was unable to see the people below, they looked so small and unimportant.  The people appeared to be miniscule, so small that they couldn't possilbly help.  The truth was, they couldn't.  They could only watch with great sadness the glider twist, turn, shoot up and down and nearly crash.  They could share their insights,offer help but the glider was too high up and she couldn't hear the words of wisdom and love.  Eventually the glider was out of their sight and no matter how much they wanted to save the glider and help her fly higher and soar above the clouds they couldn't.  They only wanted a successful, joyful journey for the glider and rider. 
    It could have been an easier ride if she had looked down instead of struggling to stay in the air.  To look down and see the people ready to offer support, encouragement, love.  Looking down was scary and would have taken a lot for the glider to do.  This would have caused her to release control of the glider and allow someone else to take hold and reign in the ups and downs, the air flow, the currents.  It would have taken trust and committment, something she wasn't used to.  Something she had never really had before--someone else helping and encouraging, trusting and loving. Someone with only the best interest's of the glider in mind.  This was something foreign to the glider and almost mistrusting.  All her life the glider had been in control, all the ups and downs were hers and hers alone.  To give up that regardless of how much easier and joyful the journey could be was not a pleasant thought.  But all she had to do was look down and she could have flown higher. 

Challenge--who are you? The glider or the one trying to help? 

A park and a memory

     For those of you who may not know, I am also a real estate agent, besides a homeschool mom, a blogger, a writer and a speaker, etc, etc.(What Mom doesn't have twenty hats?).  I took four years off after DJ passed away and got back into the business just last year. 
     Today I got to show a young couple some homes, they are shopping for their first house and ofcourse it is exciting for them and me--I love watching someone fall in love with a house right in front of my eyes.  As we were driving today I passed a park called "Golden Rod" park.  This park is a huge place of importance to me....
     When DJ was a young boy he did flag football, he was on a team called the Goldenrods. They practiced at this exact park and I have many memories associated with this place and this team--three of the memories are extremely sad.
      Three of the boys on that very small team have passed away.  DJ was the first, dear reader if you don't know DJ hit his head while skateboarding at the age of 13 and never regained consciousness. 
One boy on the team was diagnosed with terminal cancer the same year the boys played football together.  He  passed away just a few years ago.  Within the same week of the second boy's death  another boy from the team was in a horrible car accident and passed away.  Three boys on a team of 18, three boys gone too soon, three family's lives were forever changed.
      Why am I telling you all this today?  For a few reasons---1. There are a lot of triggers for grief (today I did not fall into a hole, but a few years ago that park could have done it).  When we as bereaved parent's see a park, see food at the grocery store, see a boy walking along a road that looks like our child, see the world at all we can have a trigger for our grief.  The memories associated with food, places, events, etc are everywhere.  To those of you who have not experienced this hell, be patient with us when something triggers our pain that you don't understand.   2.  Death is everywhere and just because you don't see it doesn't mean you are immune to it.  I couldn't imagine that DJ would be gone years later after being on a football team with a terminally ill child.  That other child I knew would die someday just from the diagnosis but they were "that family, the other people, them".  Oddly enough, I turned into "that family, the other people, them". It is a horrible reality but it is mine  3. We are all just a life decision or a phone call from death and tragedy. It may not seem a happy thought to pass along but it is true.  We could be that person in just a heartbeat, or worse yet, in the lack of a heartbeat we do become that person.
     I don't have a challenge for any of you, I don't have any great advice to offer.  My main statement today is just to say "Be kinder to those around you today because you don't know how much longer you will have any of them."  God bless and much love, Lisa--forever DJ's mom

Friday the 13th for me

     So many people think of Friday the 13th and all it's superstitions.  Don't cross the street if you see a black cat.  Better not walk under a ladder or your world may end.  Be careful not to drop that mirror, no one wants 7 years of bad luck. 
     For me it has a completely different meaning.  DJ was buried on Friday the 13th of October 2006.  For the rest of my life I will not associate black cats and ladders with this date.  I will remember trying to hold DJ's hand while he was in the casket and his hand feeling hard. I will forever remember the church, the people, the weather, the casket, his outfit, my children, the limo ride, the food after, the lone flower that came home with me instead of my son.  The list goes on and on as I know it does for so many of you. I will associate this day with the worst day of my life for the rest of my life. 
    Why do I bring this up to you all today?  Because we all have THAT day.  Or THOSE days.  The many days that are associated with our children's death.  The day of an accident or the date of a diagnosis.  The day of the phone call, of a doctor's visit.  The day of entering the hospital, the day of picking out our children's clothes to be buried in.  Again, the list goes on and on. 
     What so many people who do not have such a death don't understand is that the day of the death is not the only day we the bereaved remember.  And because of that the anniversary dates of all those lists can take a long time to process.  We may be down and out for a week before the anniversary or a week or two after.  We may go into a whole on a day that seems completely nonsensical to the outsider but not to us.  One day is not enough for us to mourn our child, to remember them.  There are so many days that are connected to our child that so many do not understand.  And for that reason, we just can't "get over it".  Forever and ever there will be days in that 365 day calender that will remind us of our child's death.  It doesn't matter if it is 25 years later or 2 weeks after the death--forever and ever days remind us that our child is no longer with us. 
     Be careful and aware of these dates as they come up.  The anticipation of the date is almost always worse than the actual date but don't let it side swipe you!!  And if you are reading this and have not lost a child or loved one--I challenge you to be more compassionate and kind to us when we just don't seem like ourselves.  Because in all rationality we will never be ourselves again and you have no idea what the calender is saying to our hearts on any given day.

    I wanted to remind you all that my book website has changed to flowersonachildsgrave.com--a computer spider stole my old address but has not made my book any less available--just relocated.
Flowers on a Child's Grave is a compilation of 14 familie's interviews of how they survived the loss of their child from ages 20 min to 35 years of age and how it affected everything from their marriage, intimacy, siblings, etc.  I wrote it after a woman compared the loss of her dog to that of DJ and I didn't want that to happen in the future for any parent.  God Bless you all today and take a look at your calender and be kind to yourselves---  Lisa--forever DJ's mom
    

When was the last time you were happy?

A few weeks ago someone asked me to remember a time I was really happy.  Usually I can go around this question with no problem.  I can give a patt answer about a vacation, a memoriable event my family has shared in.  Unfortunately this person wanted a real answer and actually cared what the response was.  You know how it is, when it is someone who is  just asking you something out of civilty you can answer without emotion and give them the answer they are looking for.  But when someone truly cares about you and the response, the questions become emotionally charged and sometime difficult.

All I could think of was the very last time I saw DJ alive and happy.  I even tried to think of other things that had made me truly happy over the years but it just wasn't there.  Over 5 years ago DJ turned around and looked at me smiling, waving and saying"Goodbye, I love you" That is the last time I was truly happy.  How much does that suck?  I know it is a great memory, I am so thankful that I had that kind of memory (besides the accident scene) of DJ's last days on earth but to have that be the last time I was truly happy was quite shocking to me.  I didn't even know that.  I didn't realize it, I had no idea my mind would go there and it went there quickly.

I decided to look up the definition of happy and this one hit me the most--"quick or enthusiastic to use or do something".   I haven't been enthusiastic over anything in a long time.  I have had a lot of accomplishments personally and with the family over the last five years--writing and publishing my books, speaking and ministering to people, seeing my daughter Emilee graduate cosmetology school, watching Jake mature and grow confident in who he is since DJ's death.  Seeing my husband regain a positive role at his business and beginning to enjoy work again.  Regaining my real estate license after taking 4 years off.  Standing up and getting out of bed.  But looking back I see my life as if I am looking from the outside in.  I do not feel as if I am in it, enjoying the moments.  I see them, I am watching them but somehow the enthusiastic part is missing.  I am missing my son, and am thus missing who I am as well.  I am not in a depressive mood, only seeing the gloom in the world today I am just realizing that the happy, enthusiastic life is not part of who I am anymore.  I go through the motions, I have fleeting moments of joy and fun but they are viewed from the outside and certainly not internal anymore. 

I know I am not the only person who has lost a loved one, a child that deals with this.  We the bereaved parents only seem to get so close to others and often shut down.  We do not wish to share too much of ourselves with others--is this a self defense mechanism? Probably.  If we don't give too much of ourselves we don't have to worry about being hurt so much by others or the world.  I feel as if I am in a plane and just hovering above the airport, I am in a holding pattern in life. I am circling around, seeing what is going on below and around me but just not committing to becoming fully engrossed in it, engrossed in the emotions of life.  I do not land.

All this said, when was the last time YOU were happy? I hope it has been since your child has passed away, I hope you have landed your plane, are making the trips on and off.  Running along the tarmac with enthusiasm!!!

Side note--my book Flowers on a Child's Grave, Now What? isn't the typical stocking stuffer however, the holidays are here and 14 families have shared how they got through the holidays after they lost their children.(ages 20 minutes to 35 years of age)  If you are interested in ordering please go to my website at flowersonagrave.com.  Lia-forever DJ's mom

Today I got slammed

     I had my book writing club to go to today.  As I got into my car to leave the radio was on a Christian radio station.  I heard a woman speaking about comparing "something" to the loss of her right arm.  I knew without a doubt almost instantly she was talking about the loss of a child.  As I was listening she was stating almost the exact same thing I have said before....The loss of a child is like the loss of a limb.  You can learn to live without it everyday but you miss it everyday.  As the program continued I became aware that she had lost a child almost 15 years earlier and she used almost the same exact words I have to explain the loss.  I was really struck by this fact that she too explained it the same way.  As the programming continued yet another woman came on to talk about the loss of her daughter.  Half way through the drive to the writing club I was a wreck. 

     Eventually I gathered myself together well enough to go to the group without anyone noticing the tears I had during the drive.  As I entered the coffee shop where we were to meet I recognized the cashier.  I wasn't certain where I had seen her before but was very much aware that I knew her somehow.  As I placed my order for coffee and a roll I asked her how I knew her.  She told me she had gone to Rumsey Station elementary school, I asked her how old she was and upon that I knew how I knew her.  She had gone to school with DJ, same age, same grade, same school. 

     So "Okay God, why are you putting all this is in my path today?"  I have often talked to you all about being aware of triggers but here I was minding my own business and got his twice in a row and hard.  I felt like I had been hit by a 2 by 4, cold on, square and hard.  Why did God put all this in my path today? I have no idea. 

Why did any of us lose our precious children?  I don't know
Why do any of us have to endure this world and it's pain?  I don't know
Why do we have so much fall out after we lose a child?  I don't know
Why does this grief live on so long? Because we loved and still love our children so much.

I don't have the answers today, I only know I lost my precious son and the world reminded me of it yet again today when I wasn't even looking---Be careful out there dearest friends

God has a way of putting people in my path where I least expect them...

Last week my youngest son Jake had some volunteer work to do.  I am a parent driver so I was also volunteering.  The first home was that of an older woman and her husband and we vacuumed and dusted as she requested.  As I was finishing up I saw a display case of butterflies and somehow I just knew this woman had a story.   I commented to her about the collection and she showed me a precious figurine as well, as we talked she told me she had lost a son 36 years earlier.  His name was John and he had fallen in a construction sight and passed away due to injuries. She told me that her and her husband made a point right after the accident to continue living their life, they even took polka dancing classes.  What was so difficult to hear though was that a traveling Pastor took her husband to lunch shortly after the accident, he had heard about the death of their son and wanted to talk to him privately.  The result of the meeting was that this man never went back to church after that.  He would not share with his wife what was said but it was evidentally the completely wrong thing because he still has not returned to church in over 36 years.

Again last week I was at a play practice Jake was having and began carrying on a conversation with another parent.  They told me they had a patient that was 88 years old and she had lost her daughter over 40 years ago.  This woman was still angry at God, was not speaking to God and that she would never forgive God for taking her daughter.  Wow, that is a lot of anger and sadness all rolled up into one.

The point  I want to make is that there is so much pain with losing a child and I do not want to be angry and bitter for the next 30 plus years.  Are you that person?  Are you so angry at the words someone shared with you that you have walked away from God?  Or maybe someone said the right thing at the right time that helped keep you strong in your faith?  Are you blaming Him for your child's death or are you thankful that you know where your child is and cannot wait for that reunion?

People say and do the wrong things all the time, especially when it comes to death.  People are stupid and sometimes heartless, but I say "There by the grace of God go they" because they don't "get it" and I truly wouldn't want them to understand 100%--for if they "got it" then they would have also lost a child.  Do not let the ignorance of other's change your faith, change your direction, change who are.  The entire reason I wrote my book Flower's on a Child's Grave, Now What? was because a close friend compared the loss of her dog to the loss of DJ and I didn't want other ears to ever hear that if I could help it somehow.  I took that stupid (but meant well) comment and created something positive out of it.  Don't let others hinder who you really are.  Don't let others make you feel more pain than you already do.  Be strong my dearest friends, rely on friends, rely on God do not take on other people's words and pain.  Again, there by the grace of God go they, and there by the grace of God go we.

Sidenote--I would like to thank all the people that came to my latest book signing.  It is always a pleasure to meet you and you all definitely minister back to me.  Lisa--forever DJ's Mom

A year in retrospect

Yesterday was DJ's 5th anniversary in heaven.  It caused me to think about the last anniversary-the 4th.

On the 4th anniversary my daughter was having a terrible time, she had medical issues I think that were caused by the grief of DJ's anniversary.  She wasn't handling the loss well at all (not that any of us do but it was causing her to make some very poor decisions personally).  She had moved out and was barely getting through school.  She flat out was a mess.

On the 5th anniversary she is having a great time on a vacation with a friend.  She is done with school, she is on the verge of getting a great job at a hair salon.  She is becoming a little more reflective and I am hoping she is beginning to make better choices in friends and friendships as well.  She is happier.

On the fourth anniversary we were in a home we no longer loved, we were barely thinking of doing much more than going to work, pay bills and start all over again. 

On the fifth anniversary we have moved into a home we love, we have actually given ourselves permission to be happy again.  We have a few goals, a few desires of things to do in the future, we can see beyond our pain.

We still miss DJ badly, but we are on the road to having a "different" life, not a better one-the only way for a better one would be if DJ was alive and here.  All that said if you are new to this terrible grief journey realize that there will be a day when enjoying life is okay, you will find a time when getting up out of bed isn't such a struggle.  Life does go on, it doesn't mean we ever stop loving our children---never, no how!!!!  But someday you will be five years, ten years down the road with a different life and that's okay---be kind to yourself today! 

Sidenote--I want to thank all of you that came to the book signing at the Bookworm yesterday.  It was a pleasure to meet new friends and see old ones!!  Flower's on a Child's Grave, Now What?  is continuing to reach out and help bereaved families and those that love them and want to help them.
Ifyou care to read about me or the book you can check out my site at flowersonagrave.com