Surviving the loss of a child in the real world

Hang gliding

2012-02-07T07:53:00.000-08:00

I had a friend who hang glided. She went through the air all by herself and all alone, feeling the ups and downs by herself without any support. Her feet dangled in midair and didn't have any firm ground to stand upon. The wind would push her up and she would feel joy but had no one to share it with. When the wind blew her down and forced her into the bellows just above the ground but no quite all the way down, no one was there to pull her up to safety. She had to regain her strength, she had to use everything in her bones, in her heart, in her muscles, in her mind to get up. She used up all her recourses just to survive. When she was finally level she appeared to be safe again but she had nothing left to keep herself up any longer. She was tired. There was great sadness in this for those watching. No one wanted her to fall again but she was too high up to realize this. No one wanted her to be alone on this journey, in the highs and lows but the wind was blowing her around too much and she couldn't regain control of the glider and just didn't know that the sadness, just below her was there. The wind kept pushing and pushing and she was unable to fly higher. She was unable to see the people below, they looked so small and unimportant. The people appeared to be miniscule, so small that they couldn't possilbly help. The truth was, they couldn't. They could only watch with great sadness the glider twist, turn, shoot up and down and nearly crash. They could share their insights,offer help but the glider was too high up and she couldn't hear the words of wisdom and love. Eventually the glider was out of their sight and no matter how much they wanted to save the glider and help her fly higher and soar above the clouds they couldn't. They only wanted a successful, joyful journey for the glider and rider.
It could have been an easier ride if she had looked down instead of struggling to stay in the air. To look down and see the people ready to offer support, encouragement, love. Looking down was scary and would have taken a lot for the glider to do. This would have caused her to release control of the glider and allow someone else to take hold and reign in the ups and downs, the air flow, the currents. It would have taken trust and committment, something she wasn't used to. Something she had never really had before--someone else helping and encouraging, trusting and loving. Someone with only the best interest's of the glider in mind. This was something foreign to the glider and almost mistrusting. All her life the glider had been in control, all the ups and downs were hers and hers alone. To give up that regardless of how much easier and joyful the journey could be was not a pleasant thought. But all she had to do was look down and she could have flown higher.

Challenge--who are you? The glider or the one trying to help?

A park and a memory

2012-01-14T11:42:00.000-08:00

     For those of you who may not know, I am also a real estate agent, besides a homeschool mom, a blogger, a writer and a speaker, etc, etc.(What Mom doesn't have twenty hats?).  I took four years off after DJ passed away and got back into the business just last year.
     Today I got to show a young couple some homes, they are shopping for their first house and ofcourse it is exciting for them and me--I love watching someone fall in love with a house right in front of my eyes. As we were driving today I passed a park called "Golden Rod" park. This park is a huge place of importance to me....
     When DJ was a young boy he did flag football, he was on a team called the Goldenrods. They practiced at this exact park and I have many memories associated with this place and this team--three of the memories are extremely sad.
      Three of the boys on that very small team have passed away. DJ was the first, dear reader if you don't know DJ hit his head while skateboarding at the age of 13 and never regained consciousness.
One boy on the team was diagnosed with terminal cancer the same year the boys played football together. He passed away just a few years ago. Within the same week of the second boy's death another boy from the team was in a horrible car accident and passed away. Three boys on a team of 18, three boys gone too soon, three family's lives were forever changed.
      Why am I telling you all this today? For a few reasons---1. There are a lot of triggers for grief (today I did not fall into a hole, but a few years ago that park could have done it). When we as bereaved parent's see a park, see food at the grocery store, see a boy walking along a road that looks like our child, see the world at all we can have a trigger for our grief. The memories associated with food, places, events, etc are everywhere. To those of you who have not experienced this hell, be patient with us when something triggers our pain that you don't understand.   2. Death is everywhere and just because you don't see it doesn't mean you are immune to it. I couldn't imagine that DJ would be gone years later after being on a football team with a terminally ill child. That other child I knew would die someday just from the diagnosis but they were "that family, the other people, them".  Oddly enough, I turned into "that family, the other people, them". It is a horrible reality but it is mine  3. We are all just a life decision or a phone call from death and tragedy. It may not seem a happy thought to pass along but it is true. We could be that person in just a heartbeat, or worse yet, in the lack of a heartbeat we do become that person.
     I don't have a challenge for any of you, I don't have any great advice to offer. My main statement today is just to say "Be kinder to those around you today because you don't know how much longer you will have any of them." God bless and much love, Lisa--forever DJ's mom

Friday the 13th for me

2012-01-13T09:53:00.000-08:00

     So many people think of Friday the 13th and all it's superstitions. Don't cross the street if you see a black cat. Better not walk under a ladder or your world may end. Be careful not to drop that mirror, no one wants 7 years of bad luck.
     For me it has a completely different meaning. DJ was buried on Friday the 13th of October 2006. For the rest of my life I will not associate black cats and ladders with this date. I will remember trying to hold DJ's hand while he was in the casket and his hand feeling hard. I will forever remember the church, the people, the weather, the casket, his outfit, my children, the limo ride, the food after, the lone flower that came home with me instead of my son. The list goes on and on as I know it does for so many of you. I will associate this day with the worst day of my life for the rest of my life.
    Why do I bring this up to you all today? Because we all have THAT day. Or THOSE days. The many days that are associated with our children's death. The day of an accident or the date of a diagnosis. The day of the phone call, of a doctor's visit. The day of entering the hospital, the day of picking out our children's clothes to be buried in. Again, the list goes on and on.
     What so many people who do not have such a death don't understand is that the day of the death is not the only day we the bereaved remember. And because of that the anniversary dates of all those lists can take a long time to process. We may be down and out for a week before the anniversary or a week or two after. We may go into a whole on a day that seems completely nonsensical to the outsider but not to us. One day is not enough for us to mourn our child, to remember them. There are so many days that are connected to our child that so many do not understand. And for that reason, we just can't "get over it". Forever and ever there will be days in that 365 day calender that will remind us of our child's death. It doesn't matter if it is 25 years later or 2 weeks after the death--forever and ever days remind us that our child is no longer with us.
     Be careful and aware of these dates as they come up. The anticipation of the date is almost always worse than the actual date but don't let it side swipe you!! And if you are reading this and have not lost a child or loved one--I challenge you to be more compassionate and kind to us when we just don't seem like ourselves. Because in all rationality we will never be ourselves again and you have no idea what the calender is saying to our hearts on any given day.

    I wanted to remind you all that my book website has changed to flowersonachildsgrave.com--a computer spider stole my old address but has not made my book any less available--just relocated.
Flowers on a Child's Grave is a compilation of 14 familie's interviews of how they survived the loss of their child from ages 20 min to 35 years of age and how it affected everything from their marriage, intimacy, siblings, etc. I wrote it after a woman compared the loss of her dog to that of DJ and I didn't want that to happen in the future for any parent. God Bless you all today and take a look at your calender and be kind to yourselves--- Lisa--forever DJ's mom

When was the last time you were happy?

2011-11-29T07:46:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago someone asked me to remember a time I was really happy. Usually I can go around this question with no problem. I can give a patt answer about a vacation, a memoriable event my family has shared in. Unfortunately this person wanted a real answer and actually cared what the response was. You know how it is, when it is someone who is just asking you something out of civilty you can answer without emotion and give them the answer they are looking for. But when someone truly cares about you and the response, the questions become emotionally charged and sometime difficult.

All I could think of was the very last time I saw DJ alive and happy. I even tried to think of other things that had made me truly happy over the years but it just wasn't there. Over 5 years ago DJ turned around and looked at me smiling, waving and saying"Goodbye, I love you" That is the last time I was truly happy. How much does that suck? I know it is a great memory, I am so thankful that I had that kind of memory (besides the accident scene) of DJ's last days on earth but to have that be the last time I was truly happy was quite shocking to me. I didn't even know that. I didn't realize it, I had no idea my mind would go there and it went there quickly.

I decided to look up the definition of happy and this one hit me the most--"quick or enthusiastic to use or do something". I haven't been enthusiastic over anything in a long time. I have had a lot of accomplishments personally and with the family over the last five years--writing and publishing my books, speaking and ministering to people, seeing my daughter Emilee graduate cosmetology school, watching Jake mature and grow confident in who he is since DJ's death. Seeing my husband regain a positive role at his business and beginning to enjoy work again. Regaining my real estate license after taking 4 years off. Standing up and getting out of bed. But looking back I see my life as if I am looking from the outside in. I do not feel as if I am in it, enjoying the moments. I see them, I am watching them but somehow the enthusiastic part is missing. I am missing my son, and am thus missing who I am as well. I am not in a depressive mood, only seeing the gloom in the world today I am just realizing that the happy, enthusiastic life is not part of who I am anymore. I go through the motions, I have fleeting moments of joy and fun but they are viewed from the outside and certainly not internal anymore.

I know I am not the only person who has lost a loved one, a child that deals with this. We the bereaved parents only seem to get so close to others and often shut down. We do not wish to share too much of ourselves with others--is this a self defense mechanism? Probably. If we don't give too much of ourselves we don't have to worry about being hurt so much by others or the world. I feel as if I am in a plane and just hovering above the airport, I am in a holding pattern in life. I am circling around, seeing what is going on below and around me but just not committing to becoming fully engrossed in it, engrossed in the emotions of life. I do not land.

All this said, when was the last time YOU were happy? I hope it has been since your child has passed away, I hope you have landed your plane, are making the trips on and off. Running along the tarmac with enthusiasm!!!

Side note--my book Flowers on a Child's Grave, Now What? isn't the typical stocking stuffer however, the holidays are here and 14 families have shared how they got through the holidays after they lost their children.(ages 20 minutes to 35 years of age) If you are interested in ordering please go to my website at flowersonagrave.com. Lia-forever DJ's mom

Today I got slammed

2011-11-05T11:51:00.000-07:00

     I had my book writing club to go to today. As I got into my car to leave the radio was on a Christian radio station. I heard a woman speaking about comparing "something" to the loss of her right arm. I knew without a doubt almost instantly she was talking about the loss of a child. As I was listening she was stating almost the exact same thing I have said before....The loss of a child is like the loss of a limb. You can learn to live without it everyday but you miss it everyday. As the program continued I became aware that she had lost a child almost 15 years earlier and she used almost the same exact words I have to explain the loss. I was really struck by this fact that she too explained it the same way. As the programming continued yet another woman came on to talk about the loss of her daughter. Half way through the drive to the writing club I was a wreck.

     Eventually I gathered myself together well enough to go to the group without anyone noticing the tears I had during the drive. As I entered the coffee shop where we were to meet I recognized the cashier. I wasn't certain where I had seen her before but was very much aware that I knew her somehow. As I placed my order for coffee and a roll I asked her how I knew her. She told me she had gone to Rumsey Station elementary school, I asked her how old she was and upon that I knew how I knew her. She had gone to school with DJ, same age, same grade, same school.

     So "Okay God, why are you putting all this is in my path today?" I have often talked to you all about being aware of triggers but here I was minding my own business and got his twice in a row and hard.  I felt like I had been hit by a 2 by 4, cold on, square and hard. Why did God put all this in my path today? I have no idea.

Why did any of us lose our precious children? I don't know
Why do any of us have to endure this world and it's pain? I don't know
Why do we have so much fall out after we lose a child? I don't know
Why does this grief live on so long? Because we loved and still love our children so much.

I don't have the answers today, I only know I lost my precious son and the world reminded me of it yet again today when I wasn't even looking---Be careful out there dearest friends

2011-10-25T06:53:00.000-07:00

God has a way of putting people in my path where I least expect them...

Last week my youngest son Jake had some volunteer work to do. I am a parent driver so I was also volunteering. The first home was that of an older woman and her husband and we vacuumed and dusted as she requested. As I was finishing up I saw a display case of butterflies and somehow I just knew this woman had a story. I commented to her about the collection and she showed me a precious figurine as well, as we talked she told me she had lost a son 36 years earlier. His name was John and he had fallen in a construction sight and passed away due to injuries. She told me that her and her husband made a point right after the accident to continue living their life, they even took polka dancing classes. What was so difficult to hear though was that a traveling Pastor took her husband to lunch shortly after the accident, he had heard about the death of their son and wanted to talk to him privately. The result of the meeting was that this man never went back to church after that. He would not share with his wife what was said but it was evidentally the completely wrong thing because he still has not returned to church in over 36 years.

Again last week I was at a play practice Jake was having and began carrying on a conversation with another parent. They told me they had a patient that was 88 years old and she had lost her daughter over 40 years ago. This woman was still angry at God, was not speaking to God and that she would never forgive God for taking her daughter. Wow, that is a lot of anger and sadness all rolled up into one.

The point I want to make is that there is so much pain with losing a child and I do not want to be angry and bitter for the next 30 plus years. Are you that person? Are you so angry at the words someone shared with you that you have walked away from God? Or maybe someone said the right thing at the right time that helped keep you strong in your faith? Are you blaming Him for your child's death or are you thankful that you know where your child is and cannot wait for that reunion?

People say and do the wrong things all the time, especially when it comes to death. People are stupid and sometimes heartless, but I say "There by the grace of God go they" because they don't "get it" and I truly wouldn't want them to understand 100%--for if they "got it" then they would have also lost a child. Do not let the ignorance of other's change your faith, change your direction, change who are. The entire reason I wrote my book Flower's on a Child's Grave, Now What? was because a close friend compared the loss of her dog to the loss of DJ and I didn't want other ears to ever hear that if I could help it somehow. I took that stupid (but meant well) comment and created something positive out of it. Don't let others hinder who you really are. Don't let others make you feel more pain than you already do. Be strong my dearest friends, rely on friends, rely on God do not take on other people's words and pain. Again, there by the grace of God go they, and there by the grace of God go we.

Sidenote--I would like to thank all the people that came to my latest book signing. It is always a pleasure to meet you and you all definitely minister back to me. Lisa--forever DJ's Mom

A year in retrospect

2011-10-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was DJ's 5th anniversary in heaven. It caused me to think about the last anniversary-the 4th.

On the 4th anniversary my daughter was having a terrible time, she had medical issues I think that were caused by the grief of DJ's anniversary. She wasn't handling the loss well at all (not that any of us do but it was causing her to make some very poor decisions personally). She had moved out and was barely getting through school. She flat out was a mess.

On the 5th anniversary she is having a great time on a vacation with a friend. She is done with school, she is on the verge of getting a great job at a hair salon. She is becoming a little more reflective and I am hoping she is beginning to make better choices in friends and friendships as well. She is happier.

On the fourth anniversary we were in a home we no longer loved, we were barely thinking of doing much more than going to work, pay bills and start all over again.

On the fifth anniversary we have moved into a home we love, we have actually given ourselves permission to be happy again. We have a few goals, a few desires of things to do in the future, we can see beyond our pain.

We still miss DJ badly, but we are on the road to having a "different" life, not a better one-the only way for a better one would be if DJ was alive and here. All that said if you are new to this terrible grief journey realize that there will be a day when enjoying life is okay, you will find a time when getting up out of bed isn't such a struggle. Life does go on, it doesn't mean we ever stop loving our children---never, no how!!!! But someday you will be five years, ten years down the road with a different life and that's okay---be kind to yourself today!

Sidenote--I want to thank all of you that came to the book signing at the Bookworm yesterday. It was a pleasure to meet new friends and see old ones!! Flower's on a Child's Grave, Now What? is continuing to reach out and help bereaved families and those that love them and want to help them.
Ifyou care to read about me or the book you can check out my site at flowersonagrave.com

I used to like October

2011-10-08T07:35:00.000-07:00

October used to be one of my favorite months. I loved the changing colors of the trees, the fall smells. Oh and yes my birthday is in that amazing month as well--well it used to be amazing, now the month just sucks.

October 7, 2006--DJ, my beautiful 13 year old son, fell while skateboarding and hit his head hard.
The day I got a phone call saying "the ambulance was on the way"
The day that changed my life and that of my family forever

October 8, 2006--At 1pm on that Sunday DJ was declared brain dead by doctor's I didn't know and have never seen again. On that day I told my son to go to Jesus because truly he was already with Him.

October 12, 2006--My birthday and DJ's visitation at the funeral home (I hate the word visitation, are we truly visiting the dead? No, it's just an exhausting day for the surviving family)

October 13, 2006--DJ's funeral and the last day I ever saw his physical body, the last time I touched his hand, the last time I kissed him, the last time I was able to touch his beautiful head of hair.

October 15, 2011--my father-in-laws birthday, he just passed away 3 months ago and I know ths is going to be a hard day for my mother-in-law. It is a long list of "firsts" that she has in front of her.

October 24, 2006--my youngest son Jake's 9th birthday and all he asked for was for "his brother to come back, he didn't want any toys", that was not a "happy" birthday.

October 31, 2006--took DJ's sister Emilee and brother Jake to another town to trick and treat because seeing DJ's friends would have been entirely too painful

Every year since, every October since has sucked. It will always bring with it the falling of leaves, the array of pumpkins and the smells of bonfires. It will always bring with it a million horrible memories that I wish I didn't have but do, a lifetime of memories and sadness. I do not like October Sam I am, I do not like it!

A challenge to help others

2011-10-04T06:37:00.000-07:00

My father-in-law passed away just three months ago. He was an extremely strong man and fought to stay alive for a very long time, defying most doctor's speculations. Hospice eventually came in to help with his care and they did an amazing job for the family. They prepared my mother-in-law with lots of guidance and support. The nurses told her the steps he would take, the reactions to medications he might have and also gave her insight about her own eventual grief journey.

After he passed away I remember commenting to her that "she was grieving". She was experiencing something and I saw her reactions as grief. Her words back were that "hospice had explained the grieving to her and she had already grieved his loss before he was gone" Truly, hospice did an outstanding job preparing her for his loss.

Well, it is now three months later and she is realizing that she is grieving. I don't believe in the steps of grief, I believe they are circular and one stage can come back quickly as we circle into another stage. For my mother in law it is a bit of the angry stage right now. She is getting upset quickly with people that she probably wouldn't generally. This is not a poor reflection on her in any means she is just grieving and doing her very best to be strong.

I am telling you all this because I can see her grief because I have lived it and still live with it since DJ's death.
I am telling you this because you too have been there and are going through it.
I am telling you all this because there will be a time when you need to help someone through the grief process because you have been there.

Who better to help someone with their loss than someone who understands it? Would you hire a painter to do your electrical work on your house? No probably not, but you would hire a person you knew who was qualified, who had been in homes doing the work, a licensed worker who had the experience. We the bereaved are no different than the qualified electrician-we are qualified in grief whether we want to be or not. A bereaved parent should get a master's degree from their local college just for surviving the loss of their child--we have experience up the whazoo!

So, my challenge to you today is WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH YOUR EXPERIENCE IN GRIEF?

Are you going to go to that Compassionate Friend's meeting and hold the hand of a newly bereaved parent? Are you going to send a card to a woman who has just lost her son to suicide because of a bully? Are you simply going to give a parent a hug at church because you know their child's birthday is coming up?

There are endless ways to help one another if you just open your heart to it. Perhaps you are too short in your journey to help anyone today, just know that someday because the world is extremely small you will meet another parent who needs your insight and your help--it is inevitable.

Grief is contagious

2011-10-03T07:44:00.000-07:00

There is a saying "Smile and the whole world smiles with you, weep and you weep alone"

There is some truth in that comment---if you smile people will generally smile back. Even if you are sad on the inside you can generally fake a smile well enough that most people won't catch it. Those who know you really well might see that your eyes do not match your smile, that the sparkle in the eyes generally attached to the smile really isn't there-however most will not catch it. In all honesty we the bereaved don't generally want others to catch our lack of smile, we just want to survive our days the best we can and as another saying goes we just "fake it till we make it". Faking it one smile at a time, one day at a time often, one second at a time.

Then there is the back side of the quote. Weep and you weep alone. To some degree that is true, we generally weep alone even if tears are not dropping from our eyes. Our hearts and minds weep on the inside, alone in our own world--keeping those around us safe from the contagious grief. This is where the above comment has some untruth in it---

Grief is contagious-absolutely and without a doubt. I can be grieving without sharing a word or a thought about it with my husband and he will begin to grieve. Grief is like a cloud of dust from a blanket just shaken-it scatters and lands on whatever it is around and nearby. It can land softly upon your shoulder without you even noticing it or it can land hard, nearly knocking you over, but in the end it spreads.

Is spreads like a virus.

For some of us it over takes us like the flu. We end up in bed with the covers over our head. We have no energy or motivation to even lift our head up. We close our eyes and stay in our own little world. The chills come and go, the waves of grief come and go.

For many it is a little cold that just won't go away. It hangs onto us and no matter what we try to do it won't let go of it's grip on us. We live with a Kleenex box by our side since we never know when the dripping eyes or running nose may start.

Grief jumps from us to those around us and before we know it our entire house has caught it. The gloom, the pain, the lack of energy just hits us all and eventually there isn't any antibiotic that will cure us.

But truly in the end there is nothing that will cure our grief. The life of our child is and would be the only cure all and until we get to reunite with them we will always be sick. Our house, our family will always be susceptible to grief, we are only a thought away from spreading it's virus.

There is one thought though that has just occurred to me--is there an antibiotic that can help take some of the symptoms away? Yes!! Find something that gives you purpose in your life. Find something that you can do to honor your child, honor the life they lived. Find something useful to keep that virus from lingering too long--

I know people who have written books since their child died (myself included). People have started grieving support groups to give their life purpose. Parent's have formed entire organizations to make others aware of suicide, diseases, accidents that could have been prevented. These are all big things to keep the grief away. There is also the smaller, probably even more important acts that parents have done-they have decided to live more deeply, love more deeply, care for their families more deeply. This is such an amazing way to honor our children's lives--by living one worthy of their memory.

Smile and the whole world smiles with you, grieve and your world may grieve with you. Live and love and the world may become lovely again.

(If anyone is looking for a speaker or for someone to hold a workshop I would love to offer myself to this, that is my antibiotic. You can contact me at flowersonachildsgrave @gmail.com)

What do you stuff?

2011-10-02T13:09:00.000-07:00

People ask us the bereaved how we are doing...we say fine. Seldom do we truly say what we are feeling--those feelings are too precious to give away to someone that doesn't really care anyway. Most of us just stuff our thoughts, our grief, our words.

What I am wondering today though is how you are stuffing yours?

Is it with food? We often stuff our mouths with foods of comfort. It is easier to put things in our mouth than release the words not too many people want to hear. Don't get me wrong, we all have the friends and family that will listen with ears and hearts of compassion. We do have those people in our lives that we can talk to but in the middle of a day when we are alone in our own worlds, in our own grief it is easy to stuff our mouths.

Is it with drugs or drink? I have interviewed parents that have gone that route and it is a tough and painful journey back to civilty. As one father told me "the drugs were a hell of their own."

Is it with purchases? Are you stuffing your shopping cart with purchases you don't really need? Just something, anything to avoid the emptiness of our lives without our children? It is easier to be at a store, among things that are meaningless than at home surrounded by our children's belongings that mean so much to us.

Is it with work? Are you stuffing your emotions away under the cover of work? If we just keep working we won't have to think about our loss. If we stay on task, whatever that may be then we won't have to worry about our brain going into the emotional painful world we can get to so quickly.

Whatever your stuffing may be remember those televison shows with all the hoarders on them. All those people have stuffed their homes with so many things that their families cannot even enter anymore. Are you stuffing so much that your family is suffering around you? Are you causing the loved ones around you to stay away, are you locking them out of your world? Is your heart so full of STUFF that people are unable to love you, help you, be near you?

The people in those shows are often told to let go of the useless junk, the trash, the 16 volumes of 1960's maps and encyclopedias. Is your pain useless junk? Absolutely not. Is some of the pain we're holding onto holding us back from living a life with the living? Absolutely.

My challenge to you today is to decide what you are stuffing and if it is causing the people around you pain. We all have so much pain after we lose a child, none of us truly want to give more, to cause more to those around us. Be careful not to stuff so much, so far down that you no longer know how to share love with those around you.

I will be having a book signing on Sat Oct 8 from 1to3pm at The Bookworm Bookstore in Omaha. You can read about my book Flowers on a Child's Grave, Now What? at flowersonagrave.com

Why I write

2011-09-27T20:47:00.000-07:00

Lately I was beginning to doubt what I have written is of any use. Flowers on a Child's Grave is a great resource, but what if it never really helps anyone? What if I am the only one that thinks it is useful or helpful at all. After you read your own words over and over again they lose some of their impact I think. Often we need to be reminded of why we do what we do and this last month I was without a doubt.

I had a book signing in February of this year. There were people at the event I had never met before and one man in particular stood out. He said he was at the hospital when DJ was admitted, that he knew about us and our family and remembered DJ's accident well. He bought a book in honor of DJ and went on his way.

Fast forward several months and I came to hear that this very man's son had died unexpectedly. He was half way through reading my book when he lost his adult son. When you lose a child it is amazing how other bereaved parents seem to hear about it quickly, we are a small, intimate club.

Fast forward to this month and the same gentleman came into my husband's work to talk to him. He told my husband that he and his family used the insights in the book as a blue print on how to handle
his son's personal belongings. That they had used the book as a resource on getting through the terrible loss and it was a huge help to him and his family.

My main prayer has always been that my book would get into the hands that needed it and I would have to say that God did just that with this man. It breaks my heart that this man unfortunately needed the information in the book yet I am so thankful that he had it and wasn't walking this painful journey alone. My plan for the book has been that it can be a resource for people who have lost children and also for those who are wanting to help them. In this instant it hit on both ends.

The stories of the families in the book have helped this man and many others and for that I am grateful to God. If you are struggling or want to help a family or friend that is grieving the loss of a child I am going to use this man's words to convey some hope to you all that "the book helped them get through the loss of their son and was a huge help to them." When DJ passed away I didn't have the resources to help me decide what to do with his clothes, his room, his personal belongings--how the death would affect my remaining children, my marriage, my church life, etc. If you know me personally you know that I am not a person to toot my own horn but I do want people to know that the words the families shared with me are helpful, useful and I wish I had the book in my hands after DJ passed away.

You can order my book in ebook form or paperback form at flowersoagrave.com

Movies and Things

2011-09-25T10:22:00.000-07:00

I took Jake to see Lion King in 3D yesterday. While watching the movie it occured to me that the last time I had seen it in the theater it was when Emilee and DJ were little. DJ was still alive.

I went to a football game this week--young men from age 13 and up were on the team. While watching the game it occured to me the last time I had gone to a kid's game was when DJ was playing. DJ was still alive.

Life has a way of recycling itself. I have been on this painful journey for almost five years now and I thought I had most things figured out. I think my last blog probably had the same exact sentiment as well--I thought I had this figured out. After all I've written a book on surviving the loss of a child. I speak to those grieving parents, I hold workshops. It truly blesses me to know that I am able to help so many bereaved parents through this piece of hell. Well all of that matters very little when you are the one walking the walk. The walk is one that you inevitably do by yourself in your own mind.

So I now have finally figured it out---We the bereaved parents will always have triggers, there will always be things that will remind us of our children. There will truly never be a day that we do not remember our children with joy, with pain, or with sorrow. Till the day we reunite with our child in heaven the grief will never, ever end. It will subside, it will be more managable, it will kick our butts occasionally but in the end the grief will always be there with us because our children are not. It does not take place of our child but they are a package deal--grief and our child. We cannot have the loss without the grief-it reminds us of our loss, of the love we have for our child. It is truly a horrible and obvious paradox-one I wish I did not understand.

There is comfort in this truth though, it releases me and all of us from the guilt that "we should be getting better" "we should be over it". As most of you know from reading my blogs I do not give into guilt, I believe it is from the enemy. However, knowing that the grief will always be there is a bit of a freedom, it keeps me sane knowing that grief will always follow me.

I challenge you all to feel less guilt today about your grief, allow yourself the freedom to know it will always be a part of your life but is a remembrance of your wonderful child. Again, the parody here sucks but is none the less true. Be good to yourself, be kind to yourself and do not take on that false guilt the world wants to hand you--for by the grace of God they do not truly understand us.

(I want to thank you all for the wonderful comments and stories you tell me especially about your child! Please comment to me on facebook if you would like, my blog site does not allow me to respond directly to your comments)

Again-if you are local I will be having a book signing on October 8, 2006 at theBookworm in Omaha at CountrySide Village. If you can't come you can check out my book at flowersonagrave.com

Where are the injuries?

2011-09-22T06:35:00.000-07:00

     I have lost my son DJ. He has been gone for almost 5 years-5 years in October.  I stand up and walk around every day. I smile, I laugh. I talk to friends, strangers, the world. I look normal on the outside (insert humour here). On the outside my hair is done, my teeth are brushed, I appear to be "put together".
     But what is on the inside? That is where the injuries truly are. The broken heart is on the inside, yes, it pumps everyday but it is broken. It has spots where it is healed but there are scars in those areas. There are full sections of my heart that are open and bleeding and I see no repair to those in the new future.
     My brain isn't truly my own either.   There are days that it goes onto a trail, onto a memory that causes me pain. It decides what memory it brings forth--sometimes they are painful. Painful memories of the accident, of the doctor telling us DJ was not alert, of that horrible hospital wall that held me up. Somedays it takes me down the yellow brick road of seeing DJ skateboard and fly through the air. It is seeing his beautiful green eyes and hugging his skinny body. My brain is full of memories, good and bad and I have no control over those.
     My body is no longer mine, my energy level has changed. Grief takes energy away, it robs and steals from me. So many days the grief stays at bay and I seemingly live a normal life, but others it is gone. My body has revolted against me more days than I would like to admit but I charge forward anyway-what choice do I have?
     Perhaps this is just the rambles of a tired mother, but what I guess I am trying to say is that just because we all look normal we are all injured inside. Whether you have lost a child or not, whether you know this horrible pain or not chances are you are injured on the inside too.
     No one in this life is immune from pain, no one has a free ticket from hardship.
     My challenge to all of us today is to be aware of other people. Realize that everyone has pain, everyone has a story of hurts---just because we can't see them on the outside, there are definitely injuries on the inside. Be kind, be caring. Take that extra second and smile and acknowledge that person next to you. Remember that whether you have lost a child or not injuries are everywhere on everyone and we all need to be a bit kinder to one another.

Life is full of triggers

2011-09-16T19:40:00.000-07:00

     I called my brother the other day. There was a car accident on his street that made the television news. It was a severe accident. I was worried that perhaps his daughter was the woman that made the news and was rushed to the hospital. As I was talking to him I was truly surprised that I started to tear up on the phone. I didn't mean to, I didn't think that calling him about a car accident would make me sad, but it did. The woman in the accident wasn't his daughter and I did find out during our conversation that the woman was okay. But again, I was surprised that my voice was starting to crack on the phone and I had to change the subject to keep my brother from hearing the sadness in my voice.

     How many of us have had phone calls though that have changed our lives? Too many, this is a fact I know only too well. So many of us have had that call "The ambulance is on the way." "There was an accident" "I'm sorry to tell you this, but (fill in the blank here)." I know you all could give me a long list of variations.

    Again though, I didn't expect to be saddened five years after DJ's death about a phone call that had nothing to do with me personally. When does the sneak-up grief end? Does it truly ever? I have taught myself to be aware of things, triggers I call them-that may cause me to be sad about DJ. Triggers like seeing his best friends around town, triggers like seeing skateboarders around town or on television. Triggers of senior pictures that are coming my way from his class, triggers of his pictures, posters, toys, t- shirts on his brother or sister. These are things I'm aware of, I can see coming and have taught myself to divert my brain from. I do a "180" with my thoughts to keep myself from falling into that hole, into that grief. That phone call was a surprising trigger for me.

     What is your trigger? Are you far enough in your journey to be able to pull back from that trigger, to divert your thoughts? Are you far enough though that you wish your pain was still so strong, do you worry you are forgetting your child by not grieving so strongly? Or are you so close that you cannot say your child's name yet without tears flowing?   Both time lines suck, too close and too far away from our child.

     I am sorry we all have triggers. I am sorry that we have to retrain our brains to not have severe grief hit us. I am sorry we are away from our child and awaiting a reunion that probably won't happen for years and years. I am sorry we all have broken hearts.

     I am having a book signing at the Bookworm in Omaha at Country Side Village on October 8, 2011- if any of you are local and can come I would like to meet you and encourage you. I am sorry we are all in the same boat and only too well understand each other's pain. It is DJ's 5th anniversary of his death on that date so you can all come and encourage me as well. Take care dearest friends, Lisa-forever DJ's mom

I haven't raised a 14 year old boy before

2011-08-28T07:53:00.000-07:00

My youngest son Jake will be 14 years old this year. As I was looking at him I realized that I don't know anything about raising a 14 year old boy. I know this may sound odd to some of you but not to my bereaved parent's brain.

DJ was 13 years old when he passed away- from him I felt I had a pretty good handle on the "ins and outs"of a 13 year old boy. Without even realizing it I didn't worry too much about raising Jake along the way. But this week I became aware of the fact that I haven't had the experiences of a 14 year old boy, DJ passed away too soon.

This simple little thought has made my heart ache this week because it silently shouts out to me that I have been robbed of raising DJ past 13 years of age and Jake too has been robbed of having a 14,15,16,17,18 year old brother. Life has a way of reminding me of the many losses that come with the passing of a child.

I am now in new territory with Jake, I am in an unknown area. I am sure it will be full of good things, great memories and challenges. It will also be full of missing memories as well--no graduation memory of DJ, no chance for DJ to help Jake learn how to drive. No prom or homecoming for DJ and no chance for Jake to tease DJ about a girl friend. The list goes on and on.

Life is full of memories but it is also full of missing memories and of those I have many. Who knew the passage of age for Jake would take on such meaning to me? The answer is all of you that have lost a child--so many missing memories, so many ways to further miss our children. I am sure there will be so many more things coming up in life until the day I reunite with DJ in heaven--we all will have them.

2 Sidenotes---I do not know how to comment back to all of you that comment on my post. I would love to-so if you leave a comment to me directly on facebook I will be able to respond.

Also, I will be having a book signing at The Bookworm bookstore in Omaha on October 8 -the 5th anniversary of DJ's death. If you can't make it you can order my book Flowers on a Child's Grave, Now What? at flowersonagrave.com

Buying a suit

2011-08-11T07:36:00.000-07:00

I had to go shopping for a suit for my 13 year old son last month. His Grandpa, my father-in-law passed away and Jake was asked to be a paul bearer.

The last time I bought a suit for Jake was when DJ passed away, almost 5 years ago. This time I didn't take Jake with me shopping, I made the best guesses I could on his size and went from there. I didn't want Jake to have that connection with this suit.

5 years ago while buying the suit for DJ's funeral at the department store Jake broke down. He said all he wanted for his birthday (only 11 days after DJ's funeral) was "DJ to come back". He didn't want any toys, only his brother. Needless to say it was a very hard day at the mall. I didn't want Jake to even think about that day 5 years ago if I could help it.

It's funny though because as much as you think you are shielding your kids from remembrances, associations, and pain they are already a few steps ahead of you in the thought process--- Jake had already thought about the funeral, but especially the viewing.

I asked Jake if he wanted to go to the viewing, I had already decided that I didn't want him to go since DJ's had been at the same exact funeral home and even the same room but I did want him to have the chance to discuss it. He immediately said he didn't want to go, his words were "I have had enough sorrys" I asked him if he was talking about sorrys for Grandpa or DJ and he said DJ. Wow, what an exact statement from a 13 year old, I was impressed. It was very precise and very true. I learned a little bit about Jake that day--

He knew about death in a way that most 13 years olds don't (and I wish he didn't)
He knew about all the things people say over and over again.
He knew that he was tired of hearing "I'm sorry"
He knew that he didn't want to hear "I'm sorry" if he could help it.
I learned he is stronger and smarter about grief than most adults.
I learned that he is able to make his own decisions based on experience about death.
He has grown up with grief as a part of his life and has learned how to manage it.
He is going to be an amazing adult-he will be able to relate to people with tragedy and grief-

I wish Jake had been isolated from all of that wisdom and knowledge (so wise for being so young) but he hasn't. He is a product of a life that was shaken up and tossed about but he will be fine. He is often stronger than I think and obviously much smarter. I bought him a suit for a funeral but I think he will be happy to wear it anytime. He has changed and gotten stronger in five years and I am amazed at who he is and who he is becoming.

The world reminded me of DJ's death today

2011-07-12T13:56:00.000-07:00

Today I received a package in the mail for DJ. He would have been 18 years old this year and oddly enough a package from Procter and Gamble came today for him saying Happy 18th Birthday from Gillette. It was full of deodorant and razers, etc-a marketing piece that came to a child that is not alive. Apparently this company did not get the heads up that DJ passed away almost 5 years ago. I receive college information occasionally for him still--he would be a junior this year and it would have been the time to decide on college. I get ACT/SAT information for him also. I know these companies get information when our children are born, or when they start school, but do they not get the death announcement as well? Apparently not.

I remember the year DJ passed away and I had to do my taxes. I looked on the tax return and DJ was not listed as a dependent. He passed away in October-so in my opinion he would have been a deduction for 10 months of that year. I even called my accountant and he said "No the government does not allow you to claim a child for the year they died." The government apparently decided he didn't live at all that year.

I am very glad the razor package didn't come a few months after DJ passed away because I would not have survived it very well--it would have sent me into a hole--the world thinking he was still alive, a life gone too soon.

What is the outside world doing that is reminding you that your child is gone? Is it a bill from before they died? Is it a package that comes in the mail that they ordered and were never able to receive? Is it a youth group that is doing an outing that your child was supposed to be at? Is it a promotion that their friend got in their place at work? The list goes on and on--I am only writing this today to make the bereaved parent beware--that things can come in the mail very unexpectedly-that when you are not looking something will pop up from the world that will remind you a little extra that your child is not alive.

Casey Anthony case-life is unjust

2011-07-07T06:32:00.000-07:00

This week I decided to take a small break from blogging. I have been posting and sharing on lots of grief sites lately and I was beginning to feel the hole calling to me. I really feel it is part of my honoring DJ that I offer whatever help I can to others that have lost children and one way is going to many facebook sites and answering bereaved parent's questions and offering support. I was helped along the way after DJ passed away and feel that we the bereaved parents need to pay it forward to others along this horrible path.

Well, then the Casey Anthony case was everywhere on the news and here comes another blog. As many of you know I do not watch the news anymore, I have had enough loss and drama in my life that I try very hard not to watch more tragedy on television-this murder case however could not be missed.

Synapsos-the mother was charged with murdering her little girl. The evidence seemed so obvious to everyone in the word, in the media, and all the commentators that surely she would get a guilty verdict. Well apparently there were many things that the jury heard and knew that made them give her a not guilty verdict. This made so many parents across the nation and probably the world terribly angry. But I think that the bereaved parents are angrier-Why? Well...

We had no choice over the loss of our child. Our children died accidentally, or because of health reasons. Some were murdered and taken away from their families, others took their own lives--so many ways to lose a child but the fact is that we the parents did not have the choice in the matter and by all apparent facts this mother did. She got a non-guilty verdict and maybe some day the truth will come out-whether it was her or not it does not change the fact that a little girl is dead.

So many people hurt their children, so many abuse their child and neglect them yet do not lose them to death. So many parents chose to destroy their wonderful gifts from God--what we the bereaved would give to have our child back and these parents chose to destroy their children. There is no justice in that. We wanted our children, would want them back and others have done horrible things to their
children and yet they do lose them.

This mother or someone murdered Casey Anthony, put duct tape over her mouth and dumped her body. This is pure evil and someday God will certainly take justice for it. Most of life is unjust, we live in a sinful, tough world and in the end God will take care of that injustice but for now -it is what it is.

Bottom line---life is full of choices, I chose to love DJ every single day of his life and still do now. You all have children and people in your lives that you can chose to love or not. That is where the justice in the world starts, with our own choices of either loving one another honestly and sincerely or not. If this woman had been loved would her child be alive? If she had known what sincere love was would Casey still be alive? This is where the world's justice starts--love one another--it is God's commandment to us---why did He state it so strongly? Because life is unjust, life is hard and without love little girls like Casey lose their lives.

2011-07-01T12:32:00.000-07:00

A road is a road to many but a road is an accident scene to many of us. A cross on the highway is a wood structure to some but a marker of someone special to a bereaved parent. Flowers along a street are just plastic to the nonbreaved parent but to many they are a reminder of the life and the death of a loved one. The road, the street, the accident scene is in our head, in our memories and in reality as well.

DJ's accident was on a road near me. I am thankful that I do not have to go by the scene ever. I do not have to drive along that section of street and see DJ laying on the ground in pain, I do not need to go there physically because I can see it everyday in my head without ever traveling there. There are many parents that do have to travel along the road or close to it and again, I am thankful for myself that I do not have to deal with that.

I do have to travel daily along the route that I drove to get to DJ's accident scene though. I wish I did not, but I just drive and try very hard not to think of anything other than the immediate travels. I do not think about driving way above the speed limit to get to him-(I flew to my boy but it wasn't fast enough)--only to see him holding his head on the ground going in and out of consciousness.

One of the many horrible things about losing a child is that we the bereaved parents do not need to go somewhere like the accident scene, the hospital, the morgue, the funeral home, the grave site, etc to remember the death of our children. Though I do not travel to the accident scene I can describe it very well to all of you if I wanted to. I can see it in my memory like it was yesterday. I know what clothes I was wearing, what DJ had on. Where I parked, where DJ's friends were sitting along the curb. I can still see his bestfriend crying on the curb. I can feel the blood that was on the street that got stuck on my foot from DJ's head injury. I can see DJ being worked on by the paramedics from the large red truck. I can hear them asking me what his name was and having them calling DJ by name to keep him alert. I remember these things easily and painfully. I do not need to go to the scene to remember it.

Often well meaning stupid people tell us to "get over it"- what "they" don't understand is that memories do not go away easily-especially difficult painful ones. Just because I am not physically standing at DJ's accident scene the memory is no less intense. We do not get over things like the world wants us to because everything is just a memory away. How do you "get over" something so quickly that lives with you every day? The memories are there inside our minds, inside our hearts.

Again--A road is a road to many but a road is an accident scene to many of us. A cross, flowers, a teddy bear, a pinwheel, a marker--these things are a reminder of our children. So the next time you see one do not just think of it's physical attributes, think of the child, the husband, the wife, the PERSON that lived once and does no more. We remember our loved one everyday and we want you to be aware that they lived too!

God's Word

2011-06-28T06:49:00.000-07:00

I have had blogs in the past where people have commented that they do not understand why God would allow their child to die and I can only share that God is who has held me up during these last few years.

Today I came across something I wrote in my bible 3 months after DJ passed away and I wanted to share it with you all, especially for those of you that are struggling with God right now...

Matthew 7:21-28 "Not everyone who says to me, Lord, Lord will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, Lord, Lord did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles? Then I will tell them plainly, I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers.

Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears the words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.

When Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching because he taught as one who had authority and not as their teachers of the law.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What I found in my bible were these notes regarding this scripture: DJ's death is the rain and it is pouring over me, over us. It is almost blinding. Jesus is my foundation or I would have drowned.

If you are struggling with God, if you are wondering where He is-He is holding you up. Maybe it doesn't feel like it but that is what faith is --believing in what we cannot see.

Do I wish God had kept DJ here? Absolutely. Do I wish God would have protected DJ from the accident? Ofcourse. Do we live in a fallen and broken world where accidents happen and no one is immune to the pain and struggles of them? Yes. Do I struggle with my Christian walk? Yes at times. Do I believe that God has held me up these last 4 1/2 years since DJ passed away? Without a doubt. I would have drowned under the pain, I would not have survived the rain, the hail, the struggles. Christ has held me up and continues to do so daily.

If you are drowning under the weight of the death of your child look for that anchor, look for Christ to hold you up. In my life there is nothing else that has held me up like Christ--if you are struggling seek Him and you will find Him.

Power of Music

2011-06-24T17:03:00.000-07:00

I heard a song on the radio today and it made me sad. It had absolutely nothing to do with DJ-no connection to him at all----however, the singer was singing about her boyfriend asking her to marry him and it hit me like a ton of bricks that DJ will never ask a girl to marry him, I will never have grandchildren from DJ. These are facts I know, these are things I have known now for almost 5 years now but the song triggered that realization extra hard today.

With all this said I wanted to share the song we played at DJ's funeral--I know many of you have probably heard this song from Mercy Me but it is still worth sharing--if you are looking for or needing a good cry today this will do it.

"I Can Only Imagine"

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

[Chorus]

I can only imagine [x2]

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you

Sidenote--my family will be driving down to Joplin the third week of July and we are currently doing a clothes drive. If you are local and want to add some clothes to the pile please email me at eppyfam@cox.net and we can make arrangements to get it picked up from you!! Thanks for helping those that have nothing! Lisa

VACATION TIME

2011-06-23T06:29:00.000-07:00

This is the time of year when people are vacationing, pulling out their maps and deciding which way to go-north, south, east or west. Familes are packing their bags and leaving their houses for routes and planes and adventures.

What happens to the family that has lost a child? Do they vacation, do they explore their world or do they stay at home within the safety of their four walls? Yes, yes and yes.

Traveling, venturing the world after a parent loses a child changes and keeps changing. Right after DJ passed away we didn't go anywhere at all. We barely went to dinner out with friends let alone a vacation. Before DJ's death we were like a lot of families, we went on vacation at least once a year and enjoyed having all three kids cramped in a car traveling about. After DJ's death all the joys changed. The world was a scary place, an exhausting one as well and to travel about was too much work and had too many memories attached to it.

I have interviewed other parents that couldn't stand to stay at home. After their child died they traveled all the time, the house was too quiet and the loss was the most obvious when they were home. They chose to be gone any time they could. One mother I know has gotten off one plane only to grab a suitcase and get directly on another one.

On the otherside however I have inteviewed parents that do not leave their house even years later. It is too scary of a world to be out in it. The parents don't want to go and travel without their lost child with them. There is no joy to be found in the world when their child is gone. Too many memories, too much pain--it is easier and safer to stay at home within the bounderies of their new normalcy without their child.

Are any of these actions wrong? Are any of them right? No, No and No. It depends on the family, it depends on the time their child has been gone, it depends on each and every individual and no way is perfect or right or wrong.

A home is four walls.
A home is where the heart is.
A home is a place of refuge.
A home is too big.
A home is full of too many memories.
A home is a place of pain.

So when all of you out there in cyber world are planning on vacations and perhaps are wondering why the bereaved parents you know don't seem to go anywhere anymore don't judge them. They are working through their life with a new set of rules being rewritten daily. Everyday something comes up that they have to do without their child and taking a vacation is a big one.

Our family has taken two vacations in five years and each one of them was tough, we struggled with going or not going. We struggled with locations because it is hard to go places that we have so many memories of DJ--the memories are always tightly packaged in our brains but seeing a location he was at and having a great time brings them to the surface. Needless to say losing a child is complicated and difficult and their is no perfect road map to get us through it.

Sidenote--I will be speaking at a conference in Omaha in July and helping an organization with a fundraising event in October--if anyone is in need of a speaker please let me know early on as my schedule is getting fuller. I would love to speak to families or professionals about surviving this different life as my time allows! Also there are a few books left at the Bookworm bookstore in Omaha if anyone needs to order one-I only have two left at my house till my order comes back from the printers. Flowers on a Child's Grave, Now What?

Our children are in our future

2011-06-17T14:16:00.000-07:00

I did not right this article--but had to share it with you all--what an amazing, amazing way to look at the death of a loved one...

A Powerful Word For Those
Who Have Lost Loved Ones

or what it is worth, I thought that I would pass this incredible testimony onto the rest of you. Awhile back ago on TBN, they had a middle-aged couple on one of their talk shows that were really anointed. They had their own church and ministry – I can’t recall where it was at. But part of their testimony was on the death of their young daughter.

Here they were, serving God full time with their church and ministry, and their daughter ends up dying at a fairly young age. I came in on the story right as they were talking about it. I did not catch the age of the daughter or what the cause of her death was.
The wife had really been wrestling with God. How could You take her away from us so early in her life, how could You allow this to happen, why didn’t You heal her, why didn’t You protect her?
Both the wife and husband were really having a hard time in getting over her early death with the Lord. They could not understand or get a direct answer from God as to why He allowed their daughter to be brought home at such a young age and rob the both of them the joy of seeing their daughter grow up. After all of this wrestling with the Lord for quite sometime, the wife said she then received a direct word from the Holy Spirit that immediately set her free from her mental captivity. And boy did I get a whopper witness off of this Word!
I will give you exactly what the Word was and an additional revelation that God gave the both of them on the death of their young daughter. For those of you who have lost close loved ones in your past – grab a hold of this direct Word from the Lord. This Word from the Lord has been used by this couple to set many other people free from the depression and anger they have slipped into as a result of not being able to deal with the death of a close loved one.

The wife said she was in the kitchen when she heard the Holy Spirit speak directly to her. The words were: “Your daughter is no longer in the past – she is now in the future.”
Think about these words! The wife said as soon as she heard these words – she immediately knew what God was trying to tell her and it immediately set both her and her husband completely free of the mental torment they were still going through with the death of their daughter.

God was telling them that their daughter was no longer in their past. She had died and she was now in heaven with God and Jesus! God was telling them that they now had to move on with their lives, to let the past go, including the death of their daughter, and to continue to press forward into the call that He had placed on both of their lives.

Their daughter is now in their future! When they both die, they will both cross over into heaven and be immediately reunited with their daughter. God was telling them to change the “angle” with which they were looking at their daughter’s death from.
Instead of seeing her as being “dead in the past” – start seeing her as being “fully alive in heaven” – and understand that you will be reunited with her once again in a very short period of time. Our time on this earth is not even a blink of an eye compared to the eternal time frame that is operating in heaven.

1. You have to step back and look at the big picture. We are all going to die and cross over – no exceptions! Some just go sooner than others. When you die is irrelevant. What you do with the time that you have down here is what really matters. It’s quality – not quantity!
When you really grasp the meaning of the words that the Holy Spirit spoke to her – you understand that they should actually be rejoicing. Their daughter is now in the most perfect place imaginable and they are both guaranteed to be reunited with her once they die and cross over. They should be keeping the picture of their daughter in front of them – in their own personal futures – which will also be heaven for the both of them when they die and cross over.

God was also telling them that if they did not quit wallowing in their past, they would eventually die in their past, and they would no longer be able to move forward for Him because they would end up staying stuck in their past.

Too many people are bound up with things that have happened to them in their past. They cannot let go of some of the bad things that may have occurred in their past. As a result, their past slowly starts to eat away at them until they get to a point where they no longer have any joy or zest for living. They then start slipping into depressions and then lose all of their desire to even want to live anymore.
2. Shortly after receiving this direct revelation from the Lord and being set free, they came across a woman who had lost her son. Her son had died about a year ago and the woman had slipped into a severe depression. She had literally boarded up her house, closed all the drapes and curtains, and would no longer even go outside. She had completely shut down due to the pain and heartache she was going through at losing her son at what apparently was also a fairly young age.
This couple had given their testimony on the above revelation to a church this woman had been attending. The testimony was taped and one of the church members then slipped the tape to this woman who had boarded herself up in her house. The woman took the tape into her bedroom. She listened to it over and over again all night along, literally until the sun broke at dawn.
When the sun broke at dawn, she later testified that she knew God was speaking to her through this couple’s testimony on this tape. She said the message and revelation from this couple that was on this tape set her free from the mental captivity that she had placed herself under as a result of not being able to see the truth of her son’s death. The Bible says that the truth will set you free and this is a perfect example of this spiritual principle coming into full operation!

Once she heard the revelation given by the Holy Spirit to this couple – she knew she had been looking at her son’s death from the wrong angle. Her son is now in heaven and she should be looking forward to being reunited with him in heaven once she crosses over – not dwelling on his death, which was now in her past.

Once she fully grasped what God was trying to tell her, and it apparently took all night for this revelation to really sink into her mind, she was finally set free and was able to start fully living again.
This couple said that these specific words spoken to them by the Holy Spirit has helped many other people deal with the death of their close loved ones.

Scripture Verses

1. Here are 3 good verses from Scripture that will back up the words spoken to this couple by the Holy Spirit.

But Jesus said to him, “No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.” (Luke 9:62)
“… but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead. I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13-14)

Look at the words in this second verse: “forgetting those things which are behind” and “reaching forward for those things which are ahead.” This verse perfectly lines up with what the Holy Spirit was trying to tell this couple – to let the death of their daughter go, which was now in their past, and to look forward, to press forward for the things which are now ahead of them in their futures.
And one of the things ahead for this couple in their futures will be their own physical deaths and their own crossing over into heaven and being reunited with their daughter, where they will never be separated from her ever again!
2. This next verse talks about plowing forward in hope.

“… he who plows should plow in hope, and he who threshes in hope should be a partaker of his hope.” (1 Corinthians 9:10)

This verse is telling us that each one of us should continue to plow for God with whatever time we still have left down here on this earth – with the understanding that we will eventually be reunited with all of our saved loved ones who have gone home before us.
And not only should we continue to plow forward with this hope in mind, but we should also be a partaker of that hope. In other words, really believe that when you die, you will be reunited with all of your saved loved ones, and this time it will be for good – for all of eternity!
Heaven is going to be the final and ultimate reward for all Christians. The Bible tells us that we cannot even begin to imagine all of the good things that God will have in store for all of those who will be entering into His dwelling place. But one thing we do know for sure – we will all be given the two greatest rewards any human can ever hope to receive once we cross over to the other side.

We will forever be united with God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ and we will be able to have direct contact and fellowship with the both of Them for the rest of all of eternity.
And then to top it all off – we will forever be reunited with all of our saved loved ones who have made it into heaven, and we will once more be able to enjoy the friendships that we had established with each one of them while living down here on this earth.

Now that’s an incredible one-two punch that can’t be beat. And to top it all off, there will be mansions and who knows what else from God the Father.

For all those of you who have lost very close loved ones, you have to step back and see the real big picture – the real ending to the story. So many people have lost the rest of their earthly lives because they could never get over the death of a close loved one. And the reason they could not get over their deaths is due to the fact that they were looking at their deaths from the wrong “angle.”
The Holy Spirit gave this couple what I feel is a very powerful and liberating Word on this subject. He gave them a Word that was pure, solid God-truth. And once you receive a direct truth from God the Father – it will set you free if you are willing to accept it and then work with it.

The other thing that happened with this couple is that before they received this direct Word from the Lord, they found themselves taking their daughter’s pictures and photos out of a lot of their family portraits because it was too painful for them to see her and to be reminded of her death.
After receiving the above Word from the Lord, they were then told to put all of her pictures back in with the rest of the family pictures. He told them that she was not dead – that she was fully alive in heaven – and that they should be rejoicing because their time would come when they would all be reunited with her once again.
They were told not to try and put her out of their memory. They were to keep intact all of her photos and all of their memories of her. They were all to look forward to the future when they would once again be reunited with her in heaven.
When this couple received all of the above from God the Father through the Holy Spirit, they were then all set free from the mental captivity they had placed themselves under, and they were then able to pick themselves back up and get back into fully living in their present again.
The other revelation that the wife received from God the Father was on the question of why – why did God allow her daughter to be taken home so early. God basically told her there will be times when He will not tell you why He allows something specific to happen in your life, like the early death and departure of a close loved one.
Sometimes it may be better that you not know why God brings someone home so early. Maybe that person was going to have something really bad happen to them somewhere down the road and God wanted to spare them the pain of having to go through it – so He arranges to have them brought home early. There could be many different reasons as to why God may have brought this person home early, and maybe with half of those reasons you are better off not knowing.
She finally came to the conclusion that if it was God’s will that she not know why He had brought her daughter home so early – that she would simply have to trust God that He did have a good enough reason to bring her home early and to let it go at that!
The Bible says that we can only “know in part.” We will never get all of the answers to all of life’s problems and dilemmas. God will answer many of our questions if He is properly approached. The Bible says to “ask, and you will receive.” But when God does decide not to answer a specific question you may have, then you have to accept the fact that He has a good enough reason not to give you His answer, trust that He knows what He is doing – that He knows what is best for the situation at hand – and then move on with the rest of your life.
If you don’t, you will run the risk of getting stuck in the misery of your past. And if you do not pull up out of the misery of your past, then you will never fully accomplish whatever God’s perfect plan and destiny would have been for your life.

Conclusion

For those of you who have had a very difficult time in accepting the death of a close loved one, really chew on the above Word given to this couple by the Holy Spirit.
For those of you who may know someone who is really having a hard time handling the death of a close loved one like a child, a spouse, a parent or a best friend, give them a copy of this article and/or sit down with them and give them the above Word from the Spirit of God. Share the above testimony with them on this couple and the other woman who had lost her son.
Pray that God will move in on them with illumination and insight so they can fully grasp and understand that even though the death of a close loved one is a very painful experience, that their loved one’s death is now a new beginning for them.
Their close loved one is now in the most perfect place imaginable and they will be reunited with them once again in just a very short period of time. This life on this earth is just for a very brief moment in the eternal scheme of things – but the life to come, where they are at now, will be forever.

Remember what the Holy Spirit Himself has spoken – your loved one is no longer “dead in your past” – your loved one is now “fully alive in your future” – which is heaven.

Laughter can finally come

2011-06-15T12:47:00.000-07:00

I was chatting with someone awhile back who had lost a child. They said that it took a lot for them to laugh now. It was hard for them to find anything funny anymore and especially hard for them to actually laugh outloud.

This caused me to remember that about a year ago I began to force myself to laugh. I would laugh at the most stupid stuff and would laugh extra hard, extra long and extra loud. I made myself laugh. It was a very important decision I realize now a year later. I decided I needed to begin laughing again after DJ passed away and if it wasn't going to come naturally then I had to force it to happen. I can now laugh easily. Laughter still happens at the stupid things, I am sure it is still too loud but I am laughing and this is a huge step for a bereaved parent. I am thankful that I can laugh and find joy enough in things to laugh loud and hard--I even laugh at my own jokes--because if I don't who will? (insert laugh here).

How many times do we as a bereaved parent realize that an old behavior we used to have needs to come back? I knew laughter was missing in my life and I took a step- be it ever so small to change it. How often though do we forget about the good things and never repeat them?

Do you bake your child's favorite cookies anymore? Does the smell of chocolate permeate it's way through your house on their behalf? Or is your kitchen shut down of their favorite foods, never for the remainder of your family to have.

Do you watch the silly nonsense television shows that you used to enjoy with your child and laugh at them like you did before? Is that joy gone too with your child or are you brave enough to look for joy again?

Do you smell the flowers they loved? Do you have a bouquet of them in your kitchen in honor of their life? Is there a pot of them on your front stoop or did those flowers die with your child?

My challenge offered here is to try to find joy, find something to laugh at. It may be forced but those cookies won't bake themselves. You may cry while pulling out that recipe book and smelling those familiar smells but it is so worth it! Those flowers may bring joy to the rest of your family, may remind you of a much happier time. That silly show my cause tears of joy, tears of sadness but maybe tears that need to be released.

Everyone has something (boat loads full) of things that remind us of our children that we no longer do, that we have stopped doing altogether. Perhaps, like laughter we have to begin forcing ourselves to do them again. I have found laughter--what will you find?

(If you are waiting to order my book Flowers on a Child's Grave, Now What? I have ordered a second printing from the publishers and will be getting them hopefully before the end of June or first week of July. If you are local there are a few copies left at The Bookworm bookstore in Omaha)

Father's Day after losing a child

2011-06-13T09:35:00.000-07:00

I talked to my husband this week about Father's Day and how a father feels about the holiday and life in general after losing a child.

From my husband's perspective this is the information I got--

The father feels responsible for their child's death regardless if they could have prevented it or not. As the head of the house, as the man of the house, as the protector of the family they often feel responsible for the loss of the child. They did not protect their child from harm ( or illness, etc), somehow they should have been able to do so. The father is the strong one in the family, made to keep his family safe and this can result in a lot of guilt or shame or pain if a death results.

The holiday is not one they really want to celebrate since the family isn't whole. It is not that they do not love their children that are remaining but during this holiday (and most) it becomes terribly obvious that the child is gone. It is very apparent to all of us in the family that DJ is not here to celebrate with his Dad.

What does a father want for Father's Day? He wants to hear about his child. Phone calls, conversations, notes, cards, memories about their child is the best gift. To hear something wonderful about their child that is gone is the best gift of all. Do the father's ever ask for this? Of course not...do they wish everyone knew about this request? Absolutely!

So what are you going to give a bereaved father this weekend? A memory, a humorous story, a laugh, a cry? The mention of a father's child is the best gift of all!

Gifts at the Gravesite

2011-06-06T06:42:00.000-07:00

I know I have spoke about leaving gifts at the gravesite before but it came up at a Compassionate Friends meeting this week and then my husband talked about it at home later as well...so apparently it is on people's minds right now. It makes sense that people are talking about it--it was just Memorial weekend in the United States, a time to place flowers on gravesites of those that we love. Generally of course it is supposed to be specifically for remembering the military but as a culture we put flowers on all of those that we have lost.

My husband wanted me to blog that it makes him happy when he sees things left behind on DJ's grave. It tells him that people have not forgotten DJ. He doesn't care what it is--we have had half broken skateboards, pinwheels, toy cars, letters, flowers, crosses--all sort of things. For my husband it is a positive thing.

Now there are many people that have the direct opposite reaction. I have interviewed people that cannot stand it when memorabilla is left behind. They feel that the gravesite is their place to remember their child and that outsiders should not be leaving things behind. They feel that people are trespassing when they leave stuff behind. Some feel it is just junk. Others get upset because they wonder why these people visit the gravesite when they did not visit the child while they were living.

It is easy to say that people have different reactions to the gravesite and the miscellanious things left on it. I do know one they for certain though, we are all glad when our children are remembered---so today tell a bereaved parent a memory you have of their child or at least mention their name--we all don't need to drive to the cemetary to have memories.

Laughter in Joplin Missouri

2011-06-03T06:53:00.000-07:00

My husband, my son and I went to Joplin Missouri last weekend. For those of you reading this from outside the United States, Joplin had a horrific tornado touch down. It was 13 miles long and so far over 130 people have been confirmed dead. It is the worst, most deadly tornado the United States has had since the 1950's.

Irregardless of some one's age, be it 9 months old or 65 years old the people that passed away are some one's children and we thought, we hoped we could be of some help to them. My husband and I both have survived tornadoes and lost a child and again felt we could offer some support there through our own experiences.

We left Omaha with over 130 Flowers on a Child's Grave, Now What? books in tow along with Captain Tag kid's books to hand out to little people who now have nothing.

We were not prepared for what we saw. The devastation was unbelievable, anything you see on television doesn't even come close to the destruction. Miles and miles without homes, only rubble left behind. Hills were completely void of structures. Metal was twisted into trees and along the roads. Trash that was once some one's personal and priceless belongings were spread everywhere. And all of this is just stuff--the physical loss of life was and is still mounting.

I know I titled this blog Laughter in Joplin and you must be wondering "Why?"----

Well, while we were at a funeral home donating books a father came in who's 49 year old son had died in the tornado. His son was nicknamed Trip, he had downs syndrome and was 49 years old. As the employee handed him a book from us he took me by my hand and walked me outside to meet his wife. His wife began to tell me about Trip's life. He had been in the Special Olympics and CNN did a story on him after he passed away. Trip was a very loved member of Joplin.

As I spoke with the mother she began to tell me stories about Trip. One specific story was of a time when the family was out of town in the middle of a wilderness area. There weren't supposed to be any people around the area for miles, the family believed they were completely alone. All of a sudden two young men popped up through some trees and said "Hello Trip!!" The mom began to laugh as she told me this story, in the midst of all the rubble, in all the sadness and pain she was laughing. She was enjoying memories of her son, the tornado could not wipe those away and she shared them with me. I felt honored to hear her words. Before she and her husband left I assured her that someone from Omaha would remember her son Trip, and now all of you can remember him as well.

We need to laugh, we need to tell our stories, we need to share memories of our child with people. It is important for us to let people know that our child not only died but lived as well! Trip's mom needed to laugh and it was my pleasure and honor to laugh with her.

Side note---We donated over 130 of my books to Joplin, to the three mortuaries, to the Red Cross and to the bookstore down there. The bookstore has already asked for a second group of books to be sent to them-they are already out. I now have only about 10 books left and will be ordering some this week. If you would like to order a book, you can of course order it in e-book form at flowersonagrave.com or may have to wait awhile for the new order to come in. If you are local you can still get a book at The Bookworm bookstore in Countryside Village in Omaha.

I went to DJ's gravesite this week

2011-05-20T13:37:00.000-07:00

This week was DJ's 18th birthday, his 5th birthday since he passed away in 2006. I went to his gravesite the day before his birthday, I didn't want to go on the day of his birthday incase I ran into someone I knew. It is a really difficult place for me to go, I know many parent's that go and find a lot of peace from it but I only find pain-even 5 years later.

This year was a little odd though. I went and had two sensations. At first I felt as if I didn't stay long enough and actually went back to his grave. After a few minutes of that I felt as if I was an intruder and I didn't belong there. I have never had that feeling before.

Is it a sign of the grief subsiding? Is it a sign that I am healthier than I was just a few years ago. I don't know the answer to either of these questions. I do not know why I felt like an intruder, like I didn't belong there but I did. If anyone reading my blog has felt this before let me know your insight into it and apparently if you have felt it don't feel guilty about it because I can't be the only one--or am I? I would appreciate any comments or direction on this one.

(My book has only one copy left at Parables in Omaha and is still available at the Bookworm locally. If anyone would like an ebook form or would like to order it directly from me you can go to flowersonagrave.com)

Mother's Day-No guilt for the living

2011-05-14T13:32:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day came and went.

During the middle of it though I realized that my family seemed to be living without DJ as if he was never here or had never died. I only felt it for a few minutes, but I felt a definite missing, a definite recognition of this fact. It made me angry that we all were living without him, managing without DJ.

I posted about it on facebook later that day and in the end my husband was quite upset about my comment. He told me he never quit thinking of DJ. He told me that he had worked hard over the last 4 1/2 years to make our lives as normal as possible.

So, what did I get from all of this? That our normal life is now living without DJ here on earth. However, he is always in our minds, always in our hearts, and never far away from our thoughts.

I have become accustomed to DJ not being with us anymore and that just stinks. There is never a day or an hour that goes by that I do not think of DJ but I am used to him not being here now and I do not like that.

I do not want the pain of the first two years, I do not want to replay that time of my life ever again. My heart breaks for those bereaved parents that are at the less than two year mark, it is so incredibly hard and painful.

I do not however ever want to have that feeling again of living life without DJ as normal. Have I gotten so used to him being gone, have I lived my life without him for so long that I could possibly forget him? Never, never, never!!

What have I caused myself to have? I have created false guilt, I have allowed the enemy to come in and make me feel guilty over living a life when DJ has not.

My challenge for myself and for any of you reading this is that we should never have guilt over living! We should not feel badly for living our lives even though our children are gone.

I will never forget DJ, my family will never forget him!! Thinking for even a second that we are living as if he was never alive is absolutely absurd. I will never live my life as if DJ never existed but I also will never feel guilt over continuing to live. DJ would want me to live a life that is full of passion and adventure. He would not want me sitting on the couch mourning over him. My life is fuller because DJ lived.

Anticipation

2011-05-04T04:52:00.000-07:00

My youngest son passed up DJ in age. My son Jake is now older than his oldest brother.

I knew this day would happen one day and I was truly dreading it. I was certain that it would cause me a lot of pain, that it would be a terrible mile stone that I would be fully aware of. I just knew that I was going to feel horrible that one exact day. And then something crazy happened....

Jake passed up DJ when I wasn't even looking. I didn't know it happened. I was sitting in the conference at The Compassionate Friends this April thinking about that one, certainly painful day and realized that it had gone and went without my knowledge. The anticipated pain of the day was over before it even began. I have to admit that I was actually relieved. I was dreading the day and I ended up not having to succumb to the pain at all.

This is a prime example of how the anticipation of an event is far worse than the actual day. DJ's birthday is just around the corner and I am dreading it as well, however after almost 5 years I know that the time up to his birthday can be more painful than the actual day. I have experienced mile stones pertaining to DJ's death where the day after it was as if a physical weight was taken off my shoulders almost immediately after the event. The pain, the stress, the worry, the anxiety of the event lifted right after it. I can feel it, I can sense the release. For me there is a sense of relief after the day. The worry before, what I think will be the horrible pain coming usually doesn't come on that exact date, it is the time up to it that is usually the hardest.

I think almost all people can easily think of the worst thing that will happen to them, it is always easier to think of the most negative than any positive. I feel this is why the anticipation is worse than the day...we imagine the worse before it ever happens. Face it, if you are a bereaved parent you have certainly faced the worst life can give you--we know it fully so it is easy to imagine it.

If you are a newly bereaved parent about to come upon a milestone of your child's world be prepared for three things 1. The days up to the event will kick your butt, the grief will hit you days maybe even weeks before the event. 2. The day will probably not be near as painful as you think it will be 3. The day will pass, it is only 24 hours and eventually it will be gone and the intense pain of the day will fade.

Being prepared for the pain to come is important, it will come and it will go. It will come in heavy waves and it can take flight like feathers in the wind.

If you are a loved one, a friend of a bereaved parent realize too that your friend is going to be grieving weeks before the mile stone. Give them grace and understanding--it is by God's grace that you have not lost a child and you must understand that the pain can come sooner than you think it should.

(If you live locally you can buy my book at the Bookworm bookstore in Countryside Village, also I am beginning my work on the bible study companion book for it)

2011-05-03T05:16:00.000-07:00

I was watching the news about Bin Laden today--figuring it was completely safe. Ofcourse I was so wrong. A story scrolled down on the screen that I should not have read. A mother killed her husband and her 12 year old daughter and then set her home on fire, killing herself as well.

This just makes me sick. How many of us would give our own lives to have our child back? How many of us would go to hell and back to hug them again? How many of us only want the years behind us to be nothing more than a nightmare? This child did not have the opportunity to grow up and see the world, that life was stolen away from her.

I don't know the circumstances, the dynamics of this family that made this woman take such extreme action I only know that the gift of life is so precious and after losing a child I am more aware of that than ever. It breaks my heart to know that this happened to a child, it rocks me to the core to hear those kind of stories, over and over again.

I do not have enough words to full express that none of us should take life for granted. It is a gift and none of us know how long we have or our own children have. When I dedicated our children back to the Lord when they were young it was to show respect to God. Showing that I truly did not own my children but that they are only on loan from God. This too I understood like never before after DJ passed away.

Don't take your child for granted, don't take your spouse or any loved one for granted today. In fact I challenge you all today to let those around you know that you love them. We all need to hear that daily, and sometimes more than just once!! That woman must not have felt loved to have caused so much pain and tragedy, how sad and horrible. Love those around you today.

Divorce

2011-04-25T05:49:00.000-07:00

I was watching a morning show awhile back. The host was interviewing a family that had lost a child and the couple had gotten divorced. What struck me was the comment made by the woman (I'm paraphrasing here) "The death of our child was too hard on our marriage and of course we divorced."

The woman had no doubt that her marriage could not withstand the loss of her child. It made me sad to hear her words and to think that she absolutely saw no way that her marriage could stay intact.

I have interviewed families that were not able to withstand the loss BUT I have also interviewed some that have become stronger after the loss of their child.

My husband Donnie was amazing after DJ passed away. Within the first week he said "We will not let this destroy our marriage." This of course has not always been easy. Marriage is tough enough in today's world let alone having a child pass away.

If you are reading this and thinking divorce is your only option let me tell you somethings that have helped Donnie and I and also many of the people I have interviewed-

Men and women grieve differently. Husbands and wives grieve differently. Many men do not want to speak about the death too much. Some want to talk about their child all the time. Some women cannot stop crying and some men only cry by themselves late at night. None of this is wrong it is just different for each person. No one person's way to grieve is right or wrong. Do not judge your spouse harshly if they are not grieving the way you do, it does not mean they love your child any more or less than you do.

I completely believe that God knows the exact day and time that our lives will end. It would have done me or Donnie no good to blame each other for DJ's death. Neither one of us could have stopped it from happening. God took DJ on October 8, 2006. Nothing either of us could have done would have stopped it. Do not blame each other. As so many people say "it is what it is". It sucks, it isn't right, I wish God hadn't taken DJ when he was 13 years old but He did and blaming Donnie or myself would do no good.

Medication is okay. Do not hesitate to contact your doctor or someone to help you get through the really hard times. It is not a weakness to get help medically. Be supportive of one another if they need to take something to take the intensity of the pain away. Medication is better than alchohol or drugs--keep that in mind.

I have often thought since DJ's death that no one else in the world could walk through this tragedy with me. No one else would understand why I would be sad when I saw skateboarders. No other person would understand that ducks remind me of DJ in a funny way. No one else (like another spouse) would get the pain or understand it as fully as Donnie would--so why would I ever want to divorce Donnie and try to explain it all to someone else that had never met DJ or loved him?

Intimacy becomes different after you lose a child and this doesn't mean you love your spouse less. For women it is emotional and can bring intense emotional pain after and for men it is a stress reliever. This makes the connection difficult at times, with one spouse running away from intimacy and the other needing it. Give each other time and have patience with one another.

You and your spouse will never be the same people you were before you lost your child so quit trying to make them be. There is a challenge in this though-you may become a better person--more caring, more compassionate, more loving. Look for the good things in your spouse that have perhaps changed, become better together.

For me and so many that I have interviewed the one truth in staying together is that Jesus has been the key to our relationships. Without God to hold onto and to take the weight of our pain I know without a shadow of a doubt that neither Donnie or I or the people I interviewed would be standing today together. Find strength in God, He is big enough to carry your pain when you cannot hold up under it any longer!!

I want to thank all of you that have recommended my book to families and friends. It has been an honor to touch so many people's lives that have lost children and offer support to them.

(If you are a first time reader you can check out all my blogs at flowersonagrave.com and also order my book on this site as well.)

How are you today?

2011-04-13T05:05:00.000-07:00

A question commonly asked in Western culture...How are you? And the expected answer is always FINE. How are you today? Fine How are you feeling? Fine How are things going? Fine Do you know what FINE means? Feelings Inside Not Expressed Do most people really want to know how we feel? No, not really. Everyone just wants the normal answer of Fine. Somedays we are fine, others we are obviously not. How are you today? Heartbroken How are you feeling? Like crap How are things going? Like a train wreck and the hole looks promising Today and next week I challenge you to see how many people just say "FINE" when you ask them how they are doing. I challenge you to see how many times y0u respond with the same verbage. We are not fine, not of us are fine--bereaved parent or not. Are you strong enough to hear the real answer of how we as all people are doing? Do you truly care how we are all doing? Do any of us care about the people around us enough to pause two seconds and truly find out how we are doing? How am I doing today? I am doing good enough, movers are coming tonight and we move into a different home tomorrow (only two miles away) I am too tired to be sad, I am too exhausted to find that hole. It is far away today. I have had glimpses of sadness this week, I have seen DJ's GI Joe house and that made me sad. Jake and I took down some of DJ's pictures off the bedroom door and that made both of us a little sad. There are hills and valleys of grief but no mountains right now. Next week may be different---just ask and I might tell you FINE and I might not.

What color are your child's eyes?

2011-04-03T06:52:00.000-07:00

I had the honor of holding a workshop at The Compassionate Friends Regional meeting in Omaha this weekend and truly what an honor it was!! I had the privilege of helping a newly bereaved mother hook up with someone in her town to walk along side her and that made all the work of the event worth it!! This woman knew no one in her small town to walk along side her in her new pain and now she does and that was an amazing connection to see happen!! One of the speakers changed the way I held my workshop this weekend. She challenged all the attendents to tell our child's life story instead of our child's death story when asked about our child. This is such a change in prospective for so many including myself. People ask me about DJ and I always start with telling them about the skateboarding accident and his death. I cannot think of anytime that has not happened. Well from this day forward I am going to try to start with his life first--he lived first and died second anyway so why not? It only makes sense if you think about it!! My son lived and he lived fully for those 13 years and people should know that, he was an amazing child and people should know that. The presenter also told us to tell people the color of our child's eyes. DJ's eyes were a beautiful green color and funny enough when I spoke with other people know one else's children's eyes were green, there were many blue eyed children but surprisingly enough there weren't any green except DJ's. My challenge for you all today and this week is to tell someone your child's life story instead of their death story first. Tell them your child's eye colors. Honor your child's life this week instead of mourning their death! (Flowers on a Child's Grave, Now What? was the number one book sold at the Regional Conference this weekend in Omaha--I hope DJ is proud of his Mommy because I was proud of him every day!)

Our children's best friends

2011-03-30T16:04:00.001-07:00

(First let me say that I previewed this blog and for some reason beyond my computer skills it is cramming it all together-no breaks for paragraphs or anything and I can't fix it) I am getting ready to speak at The Compassionate Friend's Regional Conference. I have been getting my thoughts organized for the event and discovered that there are two ways that we the bereaved parents deal with our children's friends/best friends- 1. We can no longer have them around us. It reminds us too much of our children not being present with us. Having DJ's friends around me and my husband is just too painful. When I have seen them skateboarding or riding their bikes I think that DJ should be there. When I watch them grow into the tall men that they now are I wish so much that I could see how tall DJ was going to be. When I hear they are dating, driving, having other milestones it just reminds me so much more that DJ is unable to have those things here on earth. It also breaks my heart though that I am no longer friends with them myself. I loved DJ's friends and I take in all my kids friends as my own. When DJ died the friendships of those children also died with him. I did of course lose DJ but I also lost those children as well. I had planned to see them married, see them pass those milestones and enjoy them too. So much died with our children. Many people I have interviewed just cannot go to the weddings of the children's friends. People expect them to be happy for the couple but most bereaced parents end up crying because they know they will not have that opportunity with their own child. It is unfair for others to expect us to be happy sometimes. I have interviewed families that have such a hard time hearing that the other children now have "new" best friends. We almost feel betrayed somehow that our child is forgotten. They have gone on with life without their best friend, they have moved onto new friends and that is so hard to deal with. We know in reality that these kids will never forget our children but from the outside it feels like they have abandoned their memories. 2. Parent's love to have their children's friends around. They enjoy seeing their milestones and watching them move forward. No one has said it to me but I wonder if the parents get to see their children live vicariously through their friends. This is not something anyone would want to admit and I am absolutely not judging here. I wish I could see DJ's friends and watch them grow but I can't. All this said, the biggest realization is that everyone grieves differently and truly no way is wrong as long as you aren't harming yourself or others. Seeing the friends, not seeing the friends that is your choice and neither one is wrong. My book is available at a local bookstore now-Parables if you are in the Omaha area. You can order it online at flowersonagrave.com

Birthdays

2011-03-13T07:21:00.001-07:00

Almost every year since DJ passed away I have had a DJ's day in honor of his birthday. His passion in life was skateboarding, he wanted to become a professional skateboarder and as many of you know, skateboarding cost him is life. Every year around his birthday in May I have had the opportunity to give away skateboard helmets to the community for free. We have a band, free t-shirts with DJ's logo on it, free chocolate cupcakes ( he loved chocolate-even hid it in his sock drawer from his sister), free water bottles and skate stickers. I have been very fortunate through donations to give away over 1200 helmets to local skateboarders.

All this said, DJ's birthday is coming up. It may seem like I am thinking about if awfully soon if you haven't lost a child. We the bereaved tend to think about things like this far ahead of time and over the years I have realized that the anticipation of the birthday is usually worse than the actual day.

I decided last year that I would not do a DJ's day again this year. Last year and every year it is emotionally, physically and mentally difficult. There is a lot of joy seeing the skateboarders, giving kids the shirts for free, watching the community come together to celebrate DJ's birthday...But it is also exhausting trying to get donations (usually around $5000 worth for everything). It's painful telling DJ's story over and over, and telling little children and especially the parents to make sure their children wear the helmets I am giving them. It is a little stressful wondering if the 888 helmets are going to end up on Craig's list, a closet or in a garage sale instead of on some one's head.

Parents I have spoke with have many different things that they do as well for their child's birthday. Some have family and friends over for a dinner to remember their child. Some have cake, some do not. Many release balloons or light fireworks to honor their child. Some go to the grave site and decorate it for the day. A few I know take the day off of work and stay home to cry in private. One woman I know read her son's autopsy that day--she later stated she didn't think that was such a good idea afterwards--she doesn't recommend doing it for anyone. There are some parents that do a huge event, like a bike ride to raise money for a children's hospitals. Some have river cruise rides to raise funds for scholarships and some have golf outings to raise money for life saving machines in honor of their child.

My advice to anyone that has lost a child and the birthday is coming up--do what feels right to you. There are so many things we can do to honor our child's birthday and life. There are huge things but there are also smaller, private things that mean just as much. There are some days that I think the mere fact of getting out of bed and standing against the day is honoring enough. If you can, include the rest of your family in remembrance of your child. Remember your child in a positive way for I am sure that is how they would want you to remember them. Celebrate their life on this day, make it a day to celebrate the living your child did instead of grieving their death. We have plenty of days to grieve our child, perhaps their birthday is the one time of year that we have the world's permission and a bit of understanding to celebrate them. To speak openly about them without people thinking we are "still talking about it".

You will find that the anticipation of the event is way worse than the actual day and that there is an invisible line of relief that is crossed after the day is over. You will get through the day because there is no other option, 24 hours come and 24 hours go. But try to get through it by remembering the good, the love you have for your child, the happy memories, not just the death--our children are so much more than that!!

In honor of DJ's birthday this year I am planning on having a book signing at Parable's Book Store in Omaha Nebraska in May. I haven't confirmed the date yet but will let you all know. Thanks for reading and listening to my rambles-- Lisa-forever DJ's Mom

flowersonagrave.com

Church life after death

2011-03-10T07:46:00.000-08:00

I had a friend who bought my book tell me something she learned after reading it. She was so surprised that all (but one family) of the families had a very difficult time going to church after their child died.

This woman had a family at her church that had lost a child and they didn't return for almost three years and she never understood why. She wondered too if her pastor understood it either. She assumed, like many, that the family would find solace at the church. That their friends were there and that they could find refuge and peace in the body of Christ.

This is a tricky situation that so many don't understand.

After we lose our child there are so many reasons that we cannot go to church...

We picture our child in the casket at the church.

I can tell you exactly where we sat during DJ's service. Jake fell asleep during the service right next to me. I know the exact placement where the casket was, where the musicians were, where the pastor stood during the funeral. I know what I was wearing along with my husband. I can see DJ's photo on the large screen. I can still hear the music that was played. This alone makes church difficult.

One woman I interviewed quit going to the church she attended and found a new one that did not hold so many memories.

Our family is no longer whole

The first time my family went to church after DJ's death the usher asked me "How many?" ugh, what a horrible question and even worse answer. The week before we were five and then we were four. Seeing other families with their children intact, sitting where DJ should have been was a constant reminder of my loss.

The Holy Spirit

The Spirit of God can be so strong at church that it can just be too overwhelming. I often wondered at very first if I started to cry at church if I would ever be able to stop. It became just too difficult to battle emotionally that eventually we quit going to church. It took us almost four years to get back on a mild consistent basis.

We can be mad at God

No one I interviewed was angry at or turned away from God after they lost their child. We didn't either but I know there are families out there that have and I understand. Why would He take the most important thing in our life? We would God allow such tragedy and pain to overcome us? These are all things and so many more that I asked God but I was never angry at Him but I so get it if that is you.

Please don't misunderstand those families out there that my be struggling with attending church. Everything in my life and theirs is now different and this surprisingly enough is one of those different things.

My book Flowers on a Child's Grave, Now What? is available in ebook or paperback at flowersonagrave.com I am working at getting it into local book stores and also on Amazon this week but till then you can contact me directly at eppyfam@cox.net or go to me website. My cooking blog is also there along with my families book line of Captain Tag--check it all out if you like.

A house had a fire...

2011-03-05T11:16:00.000-08:00

I know of a family that lived in a very nice home. It wasn't too big, it wasn't too little. It was just the right size just like the Three Bear's home. The walls of the home were lined with pictures of memories. Toys were scattered about, little hands had their smell on them. Rooms were full of love and joy. The home was full of life and energy. Wonderful stories were told in the home, great memories were made in the house. The home smelled of baking, smelled of children, smelled of memories.

One day a tragedy occured. The home was ablazed in fire. There was no way the family could stop the fire, it came and took away everything they owned. All the memories, all the pictures, all the wonderful things that made the house a home were gone. It took only moments, there was no time to beg or try to make the fire stop. The fire chief told them it was hopeless and there was nothing he could do to save the home. The husband pleaded, the wife prayed, the children cried but nothing could be done in the end. A fire takes everything.

It took almost four years for the house to be rebuilt. Things had to be figured out, like where would the children's rooms be. Where would the location be. What type of roof, what type of walls, what the lay out would be. So many decisions that the family had taken for granted had to be remade, even where the toilet roll would attach to the wall. Everything, every small detail had to be decided upon, rethought and rethought again. Eventually the family moved back into the home but it wasn't the same. Copies of photos were on the wall, fresh paint was on the walls, new carpet, new memories were being made but it just wasn't the same. The family eventually assimulated into the new home, into their new world but they always missed the old home. The old memories were the ones they missed and though the new house was fresh and clean it just wasn't the same. In the end they accepted what happened to their old home and lived in the new one, the new world that was created after the fire.

Do you know who this family was? It was me, it was the neighbor you know that lost a child. Their life before their child's death was just right, not too big, not too little. They were happiest there. Fast forward and the doctor has told them there is no hope, no chance of survival and their lives have been charred and changed forever. This new life they now have is like that new house, the footings are the same, the 2by4's are there but it is not the same. Our life is now so different, everything can look almost right, almost new and perfect but our lives, their lives are never going to be the same. A fire, a death takes everything away-it takes our creativity. Death takes away our decision making process, our mind has to reteach, reevaluate almost all decisions, even the smallest ones.

A house fire and the death of a child are both horrible, both are devasting to a family. The house can be rebuilt, a child cannot. Memories can be added to but never, ever will they be complete. Please remember those near you that have lost children--give them an extra hug today. Their life has forever been changed and no time, no brick and mortar can ever make it complete again!!

Expectations

2011-03-04T05:35:00.001-08:00

I realized last night that when I was young I had expectations-expectations that seemed realistic, but expectations none the least. I thought that I would get married to someone I loved. I would of course have children, two, three, maybe more. My husband and I would raise them, they would graduate with honors from school (just wanted some humor inserted). After sometime they would have children and I would be a grandparent. I expected someday I would die and my children would bury me. They would cry, pick out a headstone and place some nice sentiment on my headstone. This is the cycle of life that I expected to receive. I never doubted that this was how it would be...

I was naive, I was young and stupid. I was unaware that pain could come to me in truckloads. When DJ went flying down that steep hill on his skateboard my expectations went crashing as well. When DJ passed away on October 8, 2006 my expectations died with him.

I try not to expect much anymore. This is not a victim attitude, it is a realistic attitude. I have had my life completely turned upside down and shattered into a million pieces. I do not have the expectation that life will ever be what I think it may be.

I expected to get married--check
I expected to have children--check
I expected them to finish school--check
I expected DJ to grow up--uncheck
I expected DJ to have grandchildren--uncheck
I expected to die before my children--uncheck
I expected that I would never bury a child--uncheck
I expected to live a life without major trauma--uncheck
I expected to have control over my life--uncheck
I expected to survive life with all my children intact--uncheck
I expected my life to go the way I wanted it do--uncheck

What are your expectations? Have they changed since your child died? Mine certainly have...

I expect that life will be hard--check
I expect that I will have more trauma in life--check
I expect that I have no control over my life--check
I expect that people will forget my son--check
I expect that DJ's death will affect my family forever--check
I expect that there will be days still that grief will take over--check

There are so many things that I don't know are coming. There is a future ahead of me that is unsure, unaware, and unassuming. There is a future that may have more trauma, more grief, more pain.

There is however something else that could happen--There is also a future that will have joy and pleasure. There may be some wonderful things coming my way and that of my family in the future. There still may be grandchildren, there still may be that cycle of life that I can expect.

There is a life out there still--check
There are opportunities to take yet--check
There is still hope in this life--check
There are still dreams to come true--check
There is joy to find yet--check
There is an uncertain future--check
There are thrills and wonders to find--check

I don't expect things like I used to. I am thankful for every wonderful thing that comes my family's way. My expectations are gone. When good happens I am thankful for every little piece of it! When joy finds it's way into my family's life I am thrilled. No more expectations for me--they are gone yet a world of wonder is still in front of me.

Masks-we all wear them

2011-03-03T06:15:00.000-08:00

Someone I interviewed for my book said that she wore a mask to work. On the outside she looks like the woman they all knew before her child's death. She has the same hair, same smile, same eyes and same face.

But that mask is still a mask.

Why does she wear a mask? Why do any of us wear a mask? Mainly it is because so many people just want the old person back. The person before our life was shredded into pieces and thrown all over the place. We wear a mask for other people, so they are comfortable with us. We wear this mask so they don't have to see the pain that they absolutely do not want to see!

If people look deep enough though they can see beyond the mask. Sometimes our mask isn't strong enough to keep the emotion and pain away from the surface. Somedays people can see through it. What do these people do when they see our mask falling away? A few will stand by us when the mask is off but many will turn their eyes and look away.

Oddly enough I remember while I was at the hospital cafeteria after DJ's accident that the staff wore masks as well. I was getting food for my youngest son Jake to eat and the staff could see my pain but they wore their masks very strongly. There was no knowing what they were thinking when they saw me walking toward them. They wore their masks like professional actors.

My realization is that anyone dealing with grief, loss, pain, trauma, tragedy and death must wear a mask at some time. We the grieving parents have a mask we take on and off depending on the situation. Those people that work in the medical field wear masks too.

Life is tough, we all wear masks don't we? What is your mask hiding? My mask is hiding my pain from you. I don't think our world is strong enough for us to all take off our masks. There is too much pain in the world, I think our masks must stay on.

My book Flowers on A Child's Grave, Now What? is available online at flowersonagrave.com in ebook and paperback form--you can read about this woman's mask and that of many others.

Don't forget our children

2011-02-26T06:32:00.000-08:00

Tonight is my first book signing. It is at a wonderful cupcake bakery in a nearby city (Jones Bros Cupcake at 67th and Center from 7to9pm).

My biggest concern this entire time writing the book is that I may have misquoted or misrepresented a fact or word from the people I interviewed. It gives me a pit in my stomach to even think it. I have apologized ahead of time to the parents just in case something wrong is found.

I remember when DJ passed away and there were things in the media that were said wrong. I hated to read the errors and I had no where to go with them. I could have got in touch with the newspapers, the television spots but what good would it have done? Errors were made, things were incorrect-all this said though-It has been over 4 years and I still remember every wrong comment. I remember them describing the accident details wrong, I remember them showing pictures of the location of the candle light vigil at the wrong place. I remember them stating the accident location wrong. I remember and remember and remember.

No one wants their child's memory or life remembered wrong, but here is the biggest thing we don't want to happen--WE DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO FORGET OUR CHILD--It breaks my heart to think that people will someday no longer remember DJ or any of the family's children I interviewed. Someday all of DJ's belongings will be at a thrift store for someone to rummage through and they will have no idea how loved DJ was. How he had touched those things and ran his hands over them. How he labored over the mini skateboards and the ramps he made with division cards, how he loved the scooby doo pillow-even at age 13. How the Matrix and Lord of Ring guys spent hours jumping in his room by his hands. How his green pillow is still on his bed and someday the material will be in shreds, I have already had to sew it to keep it intact for Jake.

I hope this book and others like it will continue to keep our children's memories alive. Everyday they are alive in our hearts! Everyday they are just a memory away.

If you are able to come tonight and enjoy cupcakes that would be wonderful. If you are able to come tonight and remember the children interviewed in this book and all the others that have left us too early please do. Lisa--forever, to heaven and back-DJ's mom

Meaning of bittersweet

2011-02-24T05:24:00.000-08:00

I never understood the meaning of the word bittersweet before. Atleast not until now. I have had two events this week that have made me completely aware of it's definition.

Number 1-We finally sold our home, it took over 18 months on the market, 2 real estate agents and 9 deals to get it sold, but it is finally sold. The house deal was a trifecta--buyers A want to buy buyers B house and B buyers want to buy our house but in order to complete the deal buyer's A want us to rent their house for a year. In this market you have to be creative to get the deals done, that's for sure!! Also the house we are renting is 4 blocks away-on the same street as the house we lived before this one--that was when my family was whole and complete. To drive to the house I have to drive on the same route that I drove to get to DJ's accident, it happened just a few blocks off this main road. Also on this same route we used to live in another house where again, my family was young and fresh and happy. (We only move a few miles away at a time).

Number 2-My book is finally done. After a year and a half of interviewing, writing, rewriting, editting, reeditting and waiting and waiting it is finally in my hands. I am meeting with the families I interviewed tonight for a private book event and then this weekend I'm having my first book signing at Jones Bros Cupcakes in Omaha 7 to 9 pm(You may have seen them on the Food network on Cupcake Wars--they are wonderful!!).

So here are the bittersweet parts--

Bitter--I sold my house. I have to move away, I have to pack, I have to move away from the memories of DJ and my family being intact. I have to live in a house for a year that is along the same route as DJ's accident. I never wanted to live back by this road--didn't even look at houses along this route when we were looking to actually buy. I have to travel by two houses that I have wonderful memories of that are no longer a reality--and yes I know the memories are in my head but the constant reminder doesn't sound like a lot of fun.

Bitter--my book is done and people are asking me what it is about. I then am reexplaining DJ's accident, his death. I am telling them the reason that I chose to write it. I am bringing back all those memories as well, retelling, reliving, re, re, re.

Sweet---I SOLD MY HOUSE--finally, finally, finally. We got the deal we wanted except the rental part-but yes it is finally sold!!

Sweet--my book is done. I am so hoping this will be helpful to families that lose children. I needed a resource that I didn't need to read 100's of pages to get one piece of useful information. Every page you open up in my book has helpful information on it--every page is a recourse! It's sweet because loving members of the family can hopefully help those that lose children--and maybe, just maybe they won't compare the loss of their child to that of their dog--ugh. People will see our struggles, our little piece of hell and maybe understand us a little better. It's sweet because the 14 families interviewed will have their children's stories told.

Why is God putting me in this house? This is a big city--what in the world are the odds of this? Apparently pretty good when God is involved. I was expressing this in my bible study this week and someone said maybe so you can "heal". No, I am healed enough thankyou!! But I am thinking perhaps this is God's way of saying, you can move on now--it is time to move forward in your life--it is time. I don't know really, I do know the older I get the more I realize I don't know so this may all just be ramblings of a bittersweet brain.

Life is full of bittersweet moments---I love my boy DJ--so sweet, I miss my boy with an unbearable grief--so bitter. The list could go on and on. Here is my hoping that you all have sweet memories of your loved ones today and that you keep the bitter ones away!! God Bless all of us-truly, Lisa

Flowers on a Child's Grave, Now What? Available in ebook at flowersonagrave.com will be available on my site in paperback very quickly--having internet cart issues. You can call me though and I will mail you one at 402-616-1256

Grief trumps joy

2011-02-18T17:00:00.000-08:00

Today I should be happy. Today I arranged a time at a local cupcake bakery to have the families I interviewed for my book come and get their copies--I'm calling everyone tomorrow so if you are one of those wonderful families reading this--I haven't forgotten to call you yet. Today I scheduled a time to do my first official book signing at the same cupcake place-I even notified a friend of mine in the media to get the ball rolling. Today I went and bought a few new shirts just to look fresh for the events--to represent DJ well. All of this should bring me joy? Doesn't it make sense to you? It makes logical sense to me but my heart is sooooooooooooooooooooooooo NOT FEELING THE JOY.

I am falling into a hole when I should be joyful. Along the way to a store today I saw a NO SKATEBOARDING sign, oh how I wish my boy was able to break that rule--we always broke those rules-if you know me at all you know my family isn't too much into rule following. Give us a rule and we will just break it because-a little rebellious I guess.

I am sad, I am not happy--I know my book will help people who are grieving, I know that it will help those that want to help others that have lost a child. But everytime I speak about DJ, everytime I sign a book I am going to have to guard myself because it is my heart that is on these pages, it is my tears and that of the families interviewed that have written it. It is pain that has brought the pages to life.

I am exhausted and I haven't done anything exerting today---my grief is taking it all my energy away----

Flowers on a Child's Grave, Now What? flowersonagrave.com for ebook--hard back available on site next week.

I am exhausted, I am sick, I am angry grief keeps robbing me, I am tired. Lisa

Self help me

2011-02-14T15:38:00.000-08:00

I was at my local copy store the other day and was looking at the display with all the self-help books. Examples:

How to get what you want in life, all the time
How to sell anything to anyone
How to organize your house and your life
How to get the job you want
How to mingle with anyone
How to carry on a conversation

I look at these kind of books and cd's differently than I did before DJ passed away. I look at them now as a way to reinvent myself. I have picked up some of these cd's along the way in the last 4 years. I have had to figure out how to talk to people again, how to engage in conversations, how to appear that I am involved in the group.

After you lose a child you lose who you are. I was a mother of three, who am I now--a mother of two? I had a teenage boy that loved to skateboard--where does that passion I shared with him go? I had an older brother for my youngest son, who is that person now? Do I become that older help? I had a boy that had amazing friends, who do I have in my house now? My house is quieter and I don't have all those mouths (that I loved) to feed-I have lost that opportunity to give. I was outgoing and full of personality--it shows up every now and then but the freedom of that personality is gone. I believed in a future for my children, what do I believe in now? --I have given up that I know anything anymore about much--God is in control and I am not.

I was an outgoing person and I could talk to anyone before DJ passed away--I am better now four years later but at first I had nothing to say, I couldn't remember people's names, their jobs, their conversations. I had to learn how to care about what they were saying and I had to learn to reinvent myself into someone different. I had to buy those cds, I had to listen to them to learn how to listen to others. I had to work on my memory skills, they were completely shot especially when it came to names and faces. I have listened to a woman's voice give hints on carrying on conversations and learning to recall their names--the author was good, I learned a few things, but again, my memory isn't the same as it used to be so it was hard to recall too many facts. It has taken along time to regain that memory. It has taken me a long time to even desire knowing or investing into someone new.

It may sound corny, it may sound so 80ish when everyone was reading self help books, but I have become a believer in them because I now need all the self-help I can get. I don't want to lose who I was completely with the loss of DJ--I was a pretty cool person if I say so myself, and I have to try to re-find that part of me again. He wouldn't have ever wanted me to become less of who I am, DJ lived life to his fullest..."You can do it" was always falling off his lips so I need to do it!! If figuring out who I am takes me along the self help books then so be it, there are worse things to try and worse things to attempt than an Anthony Robbins book.

We are an imbalanced teeter totter

2011-02-11T05:29:00.001-08:00

There are days, weeks that just seem to float right along the path of life. All things seem pretty good, plans are being made, relationships are intact, dinners are cooked, bills are paid, life is going along at a pretty good clip. And then BAMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What causes the BAM? It must be huge, it must be something so big that I could see it ahead of time. Right? It must be heading toward me like an iceberg to the Titanic.

NOPE. It is small, it is barely visible, it is like a germ, a vapor of air, a breath....

It is simple, like a cold. How can a cold make grief hit me like a sledgehammer? It makes my body tired, it makes my mind weak and it can cause me to not be able to manage my grief like I usually do.

What many people don't understand is that the smallest cold, the smallest down time, the smallest event can weaken our spirits, our minds and cause us to spiral fast and hard. I ofcourse never got this before losing DJ. How can a cold make you sad? Sounds stupid, moronic doesn't it. But it can, the slightest tweek in our world, the smallest inbalance can throw us completely out of whack. After losing a child the mind, the body, the soul is on a fairly unstable teeter totter. One thing, the smallest butterfly landing on one side can throw us off balance. Everything is connected even when it doesn't seem it should be.

So here is my challenge to us all--watch out for those small things--when the lack of sleep comes, when the cold triggers, when the butterfly lands realize it. It is probably causing the downward spiral of grief you are on. It may not just solely be the loss of your child, it may be a very little thing turning your life upside down. For those of you around us please don't think the cold is an excuse to mourn, that the lack of sleep we may be dealing with is just a reason to stay in bed extra long. The little things in the world effect us differently now and they can cause a chain reaction of grief for us.

I AM SO DISAPPOINTED!!

2011-02-05T09:10:00.000-08:00

I am so disappointed today. There was a posting on Compassionate Friends USA today. ( I love compassionate friends, they have been a great resource for so many and this isn't a reflection of them). A woman asked bereaved parent's opinion on what she should say to a family that just lost their 4 year old. This woman had a young nephew that passed away earlier and felt that maybe she has some insight because of her own loss. She wanted to know if she should say she had dealt with similar loss to this family...

Here is where my disappointment lies---so many parent's bashed on this woman for comparing the loss of their child to that of her nephew. Some of them were furious with her for thinking she knew what they were dealing with and were angry that she thought she had some idea of the pain we bereaved parents deal with. I know it is not the same, I know the level isn't even comparable but this woman didn't need to be bashed and hurt to get the point across.

We as parents get sick of being judged for how we react to certain situations, how we don't react, how we respond, how we don't respond. We get tired of hearing get over it, we get tired and angry when we don't get any compassion from the world. But these parents were showing no compassion to this woman and certainly were judging her to high heaven. I don't know this woman, I only know that she was asking what to do. Isn't that better to do than to say something stupid like I know how you feel, I lost a pet, I lost a nephew, I lost my grandparent?

I'm so saddened by the judgement that these people put on her when she was only asking for help. I get it, I am a member of this club--I deal with my grief everyday but I do not bash on people for asking for help. I even understand if someone is having a bad day and lash out, but so many people hurt this woman with their words, it was not just a few, it was many.

This bashing comes from pride--pride that "you don't know how I feel, You haven't lost a child." Be angry at me it you want, go ahead and bash me and tell me to get off my high horse but if you search your soul you will see it. I have dealt with it, I have felt that indignation when someone who has no idea what I am dealing with thinks they do--it is pride and it needs to be stopped. I am judging you all because I am in your foot steps, I wear your moccasins and right now I want to take them off because I am ashamed of the way the compassionate parents treated this woman. We don't want to be judged but we sure do a good job of doing it!!

Look for the joy, it is still out there!

2011-02-05T04:51:00.000-08:00

Last night my youngest son, Jake and I went to a concert. This was his first one ever and it was his very favorite artist! He was so excited to go, he could barely contain himself. Just looking at him you could see that he was bouncing inside with excitement!! I was excited too because it was a positive event that we could share together-mother and son- and I was hoping it was one he would never forget.

I am positive he will never forget it...

We ran into some friends while waiting for the concert to start. The woman is a journalist for a Christian periodical and had back stage passes to meet the artists. Unfortunately her son was not able to attend the concert so she had one extra pass--hmmmmmm, who may you ask got the opportunity of a lifetime on his very first concert? You guessed it!!

Jake got to go back and meet the artist, he had his picture taken with him. Jake was so stunned by the whole thing that he couldn't even talk to the gentlemen. He was so excited he could barely say a word. When he got back to our seats he was showing me the pictures and he was crying. I asked him why and he said it was because he was so happy. (When you are a 13 year old boy tears can come out at odd times). I was so glad for him, I didn't expect him to get that excited, he is kind of a reserved kid and doesn't show his emotions on his sleeve too often.

After the amazing concert we went out for a late dinner--gotta have lots of food when you are a 13 year old boy. Anyway as we were discussing the concert and Jake said "That's the most fun I've had since DJ died."

Okay folks, it has been over 4 years and I thought that Jake had many chances for cool things to come his way over this time. My husband and I have tried to make as many opportunities for him and his sister to find joy and fun since DJ passed away.

What surprised me the most about his words was that he is telling time by DJ's death and that he hasn't seemed to find much joy along the last four years. I know it is so hard to see any joy at all but I was hoping Jake had seen more than I had. I was so thankful for the chance he had but at the same time it made me sad to think he has been so broken too. DJ's death will forever shadow our lives. We will be telling time by his death--before DJ passed away, after DJ passed away. We will have experiences that DJ should have been a part of and will always feel that void. We will never be the same. For all the joy Jake had last night, for all the excitement and fun he was still shadowed by his brother's death. It's like a cloak our entire family wears, some days it is heavy and other days it is light but it never, ever comes off.

My challenge to you all today is to look for the opportunities to find joy and fun again. For some of you it has been only weeks, months since your child passed away and you don't think you will ever find joy again--it will come and it will seep in slowly. For others of us it has been years and just when we think the cloak is a little lighter and joy is showing itself something comes along the way and makes things heavier. LOOK FOR THE JOY, it is still out there! For that matter don't just look for it hunt it down and capture it. Joy doesn't come easily to any of us anymore so it is something we must make a genuine effort to grab onto and hold tight-even if it is for just a few fleeting moments. Hold onto it like a little kids holds on to a candy bar--tightly, let it melt all over your body and soul and feel the joy in your heart. Jake got to hold onto joy last night and my guess is that it will still me melting all over him when he gets up today. For this I am thankful.

I don't always tell people I have a child in heaven

2011-02-04T09:23:00.000-08:00

Once you lose a child you get membership into a new, exciting, full of adventure, completely sucky, horrible, awful, crappy club. You don't realize it right away. Slowly though it dawns on you that there are so many people out there that have lost children. You don't see it or sense it when you have all your children intact--when life is going along as you plan it. However; you become aware that this is a huge club pretty quickly after you lose a child.

A huge club that no one wants to belong to.
A club that has high dues/costs to get into to.
A club that does not reimburse you of that huge cost.
A club that is almost secret until you get into it.
A club that no parent wants to ever acknowledge exists.

We don't want to be in this club. We really don't ever want to know about it until we are in it. And we certainly wish we never, ever had to realize that the cost of this club was our child.

You may think that you do not know anyone that has lost a child (except maybe me if you are reading this and fortunate enough to have all of your family with you). I have to say you are probably terribly wrong. We are out there you just don't know about it all the time.

I don't always offer up the fact that I have a child in heaven. I don't always tell people who are just on the outskirts of my life. It is not because I devalue DJ but this is intimate, this is personal and this is mine to tell if I chose. Sometimes it is just not any one's business at that moment. Perhaps I just don't trust the people around me with this privileged information. Maybe I am having a terrible time at just that moment and saying DJ's name aloud would break me apart, even now 4 years later my voice can crack when I say his name. My heart is still broken and it shows itself fully in my broken words.

You may be having a conversation with the teller at the bank or the lady at the clothing store not realizing that they too have a child in heaven. Not knowing that they belong to this club and they don't wish to share it with you. Bereaved parents are all around you, everywhere. We don't wear a scarlet letter but we do have broken hearts that you just can't see.

On the other side of this though, those of us that belong in the club are intimate with each other about our pain. It is not because we don't believe the rest of you won't get it but because we know without a shadow of a doubt that a bereaved parent gets it. There is no need to explain tears flowing many years later and the deep sorrow that can come like a tidal wave over us for what seems like no reason what so ever. We have an instant connection and understanding once we are in this club. We hate that we get it, we wish we didn't get it but we do.

Recently I have been following Compassionate Friends on face book. There are hundreds of people that comment daily on their site, hundreds of bereaved parents. I don't think even I realized that there were so many of us out there. It sucks, pray for these families, pray for these parents---this club is one of the largest in the world and it is full of pain, wisdom, grief and struggle. This club is one I hope none of you ever have to belong to!!

(My book is just weeks away from coming back from printers--till then you can still get it on e-books if you are that technically savvy at flowersonagrave.com)

JOB'S WIFE

2011-02-01T05:42:00.000-08:00

Years and years ago I remember hearing the story of Job. He lost his children, his livestock, his health, etc but continued to have faith in God. I never could understand that his wife would curse God after it and wanted Job to do it too. I always judged her, thinking that she was unequally yolked with Job. That she certainly must not have the same faith in God that he did. I was so very unfair to this poor woman. You see, in biblical times cursing God was like asking to die. People thought if they cursed Him he would kill them on the spot. I so understand why she did it now that I have lost DJ but before I judged her terribly. I figure someday in heaven I will get to apologize to this woman and ask for forgiveness because I was stupid and judgemental. What people don't realize though is how easily stupid we all are and how overly judgemental everyone is. Until you have walked a mile in my moccasins or anyone else's how can we possible know anything? Until you have lost a child or for that matter until you have (fill in the blank here) then you, I, have no right to judge anyone; but we all do.

Here are some examples of judging that perhaps you haven't even realized you are doing...

I can't believe---

they never leave their house
they never stay home anymore
they are going to a party
they aren't the same people they used to be
they won't come to family functions anymore
they want all the family functions at their house now
they are drinking too much
they won't come out with us and drink and have a good time anymore
they sleep all the time
they have insomnia so bad
they seldom go to church anymore
they have become so "religious"
they cleaned out their child's room so fast
they haven't touched their child's room in over (X) years
they just can't pretend to be happy
they are sad all the time
they can't just get on with their lives
they don't just have more children
they allow their children to (fill in blank)
they are so overprotective with their remaining children
they are selling their house and the memories of their child with it
they aren't selling their house and the memories in it
they are so angry all the time
they are actually laughing
they keep wanting to talk about their child all the time
they don't want to go to work anymore
they don't want to do anything anymore
they seem to have forgotten their other children are living
they ignore their spouse
they have let themselves go
they have lost or gained so much weight
they are spending so much money are their child's headstone
they haven't put up a headstone yet

they have done this or not done that

For every judgment or passing thought there is an opposite one as well. That is why we should all (including myself) keep judgements to ourselves.

This list could go on and on and I am writing it to let you all know that judgement comes easy. We don't realize we are doing it but it happens quickly and can often do horrible irreversible damage. Be there for your friends and family members. Be there to listen to them, to walk with them but don't judge them. There but by the grace of God go you and trust me this is not a walk you want.

Judgement serves no one

2011-01-25T20:24:00.000-08:00

My daughter gets a gift

2011-01-21T07:52:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was watching my daughter Emilee who is 20 and my youngest son Jake who is 13 talking and jabbing each other. What I came to realize was that my daughter had gotten a gift and didn't even realize it.

When my son DJ passed away he was 13 years 4 months and 20 days old. Emilee was 15 at the time. They were absolutely the best of friends. When one was angry or upset I would send the other one after them because they would tell each other their deepest secrets. I was never concerned that I wouldn't be able to know something because the other was always capable of pulling important information out of one another for me. There were no secrets between the two. When DJ passed away she lost her best friend. She was crushed and I don't think even now she has truly worked through it. It was easier for her to quit talking about DJ then deal with the pain of losing him. It has impacted her life through and through though I doubt she would agree or admit it.

Jake is now 13 years old 2 months and 27 days old. He is not her brother DJ, he will never replace DJ for her but she now has that brother back in a mild way. They were harassing each other, they were laughing till it hurt and it made me happy.

Emilee has got a gift from her youngest brother that I don't think she will ever realize. She has the gift of a younger brother who will always love her and always tease her and will be there for her. She hasn't had that in over 4 years and it is bringing great joy to me to see their relationship evolving into something she can hang onto.

I am sure Jake doesn't realize the importance of his relationship for her. I am hoping this will be one of the first steps to her healing. She will be able to have that friendship that was taken away from her at DJ's death. I didn't know that she would ever be able to have that friendship again and it honestly brings tears to my eyes to see our world revolving and changing in a positive way.

In this matter time has helped- it may have taken over 4 years for the gift to be received but my daughter got a gift that is irreplaceable.

(Got a call from printer yesterday, actual books will be coming soon--till then ebook is at flowersonagrave.com)

Also--will be starting a Writers Group if anyone is interested--locally ofcourse- email me at flowersonachildsgrave@gmail.com

Spring cleaning for the Soul

2011-01-20T09:35:00.000-08:00

I have been decluttering my house lately. Getting rid of things in my cabinets I don't need anymore. Cleaning the cubbards and just general organization. It must be the hope, thought of spring that is in my brain making me Spring Clean really early.

While I was cleaning out the cabinet where my coffee supplies are stored-cups, coffee filters, sugar, etc it occurred to me that there was another area in my life that needed decluttering badly. What area may you ask--well it is the area of lack of faith. What an odd thing to declutter you are probably thinking but I realized that I am struggling with my faith lately. Not in the fact that I know Jesus personally, not in the fact that He has held me up especially the last 4 plus years since DJ passed away. But the fact that I just don't have the faith in my prayers anymore.

What, am I so stupid to forget all the things God has done? All the answers to prayers He has given me. All the times He has kept me safe even beyond my own knowledge. My head knows all of these things. I have no doubts that Jesus is there for me but the older I have gotten the less I have discovered that I know and lately it just seems that I have lost all faith in prayers. All faith that He is listening or will do anything to change anything in my life.

Then, duh it occurs to me that I do not have any right at all to be doubtful of God. It is not my place to question whether or not He is listening to me. I need to declutter the junk in my brain that is not giving me the confidence I once had in my prayers and in God.

It is not God cluttering my brain with doubts. It is not God that has placed that anger and frustration and depression in me. It is me. I used to have those assurances of faith memorized. I used to know the scriptures that would hold me up when I was doubting or in pain or puzzled.

It my choice to declutter my brain, my heart, my spirit. It is my job to fill up my brain, fill up my heart with His words, with His assurances, with His presence.

I have taken old useless coffee filters out of my cubbard. I have wiped away all the crumbs of sugar and coffee. I have replaced the free space with coffee cups and jugs....

I need to take out all the doubts out of my heart and soul. I need to wipe away the anger and frustration with God's Holy Spirit. I need to replace these hurts and disappointments with God's word and His assurances. I am wonderfully made, He has chosen to me to be His. I need to remember, I need to KNOW this.

I am working on decluttering myself today--if there is anything you need to rid yourself of I challenge you today--Spring cleaning is for the soul too!

Broken hearts to mend

2011-01-18T13:21:00.001-08:00

Broken hearts to mend

I watched my young son Jake walk into his guitar lessons yesterday and my heart was broken into a million pieces. It can happen that fast, a heart can be shattered like glass in just a whisper or in just a glance. Yesterday was such a day for me.

Jake was wearing a stocking cap and dark straight leg jeans. As I was watching him it occurred to me that he looked just like his guitar teacher. They were walking into the building together to prepare for the lesson and I realized that Jake was beginning to take on this young man's walk and dress. Jake's teacher is a fabulous kid, a great example of honest character, a good Godly young man BUT what broke my heart is that Jake is looking up to him, dressing like him because he doesn't have his oldest brother DJ in his life. Jake did not get that chance to evolve into his older brother. DJ was 13 when he passed away and Jake was just 8. There were lots of play times, lots of being together for the two; but during Jake's formidable years he doesn't have his brother DJ to look up to and get guidance from.

I'm not wanting Jake to turn into DJ, I just was so saddened by the fact that he is not here to be with Jake. That Jake got completely robbed of the relationship with DJ during his teenage years. That Jake doesn't have that confident in a brother that only siblings can have and it just further breaks my heart for him.

I am thankful Jake has his guitar teacher and other young men to look up to--every growing teenage boy needs good examples of men.

But here is my challenge today to you all...Who will all the other children that lose siblings look up to? Who will become their guide in their life besides their parents? So many children pass away every day but the entire dynamics of the family change after and most likely a sibling has lost a friend in a brother or sister. Maybe you are that person. Maybe you should be that person. Maybe you aren't even aware of the fact that you are already that person. There is no way to replace that sibling ever! But there is a void that needs help being filled.

Jake's guitar teacher has become that older person for him. I am sure he is not even aware of it and I don't want to tell him. I don't want him realizing that a heavy burden has been placed upon him by Jake-one I don't even think Jake realizes. Jake is fortunate that we have found good young men for him to be around but what if we didn't? The world is full of so many challenges and people are constantly searching for something to numb the pain or to help the hurt.

You may be that person today--look around you and see the world. Look around and see the children that have lost their siblings. Just perhaps you are that person to help that child along the way. So many people know that mother's hearts are broken after a child dies, but guess what? So are the siblings hearts that have been left behind. Perhaps you can help mend one.

No guarantee of a tomorrow

2011-01-15T06:44:00.000-08:00

Today I am flooded with memories...

A song came on the radio today-it was a song that my daughter liked when she was little. It was a cd that we all listened to as a family when we were whole. DJ, Emilee and Jake were all safe and sound. When we were all safe and young and no problems seemed to be in front of us--the sky was the limit.

A piece of tape today--I was pulling a piece of freezer tape off and the end was getting stuck and tearing. Why did this remind me of my mom who passed away years ago? I have no idea but something in my memory system some where far off has a connection with tape and my mom.

A car on television--DJ loved the movies Back to the Future-he was a huge fan. He had model car of the DeLorean that spun around with lights and noise. He was such an avid fan--he loved that the main character used a skateboard in it (ironic in a sad way). Anyway, on television this week there was a documentary on the DeLorean and it took me right back to DJ playing with that model car. Again, when he was young and safe and I could hold him tight in my arms.

A movie--The movie Beverly Hills Cop was another of DJ's favorites as he got older. The last Christmas before his death we bought him the jacket that Eddie Murphy wore in the movie off of ebay. He loved it, one of my favorite pictures of DJ is him wearing that coat right after he got it on Christmas day. He has beautiful green eyes that are staring straight into the camera, his hair is thick and dark brown and just flowing on his head. This is a day I remember because it was the last Christmas he ever had. Another day of safety and fun.

All this said---look at your family today and make memories today. You don't know if this is the last day or last year you will see them. During those times I didn't know how precious those exact memories would become but they are forever with me now. How many memories are you pushing aside? How many opportunities to spend time with your loved ones are you putting off because there is always tomorrow? I cannot stress this enough--THERE IS NO GUARANTEE THAT THERE EVER WILL BE A TOMORROW! Take life and enjoy those moments for they may become last cherished memories of a loved one.

You can find my book Flowers on a Child's Grave...Now What? at flowersonagrave.com. It is still in ebook form. In it 14 families speak about what they did to honor and cherish memories of their children--quilts, legacy rooms, events. Perhaps it will help remind you to keep close those that you love. Lisa-forever DJ's mom

Time is true and false

2011-01-14T05:45:00.000-08:00

Time will go on...

Time will make it easier...

Time heals all pains...

It takes time...

After a parent loses a child we hear these kind of statements all the time. These statements are very true and these statements are false.

Time does keep going on...

True--People kept going to church, birthdays happened, holidays came and went, homecomings were planned, anniversaries were celebrated. Time does keep going on and on even when we wish it would stop.

False--In your head, in your memory system time has stopped. It does not continue because that day, that event, the death is played over and over again in your head. A parent may look like they are paying attention to the outside world but inside, inside their heart and mind they are somewhere back in time. Back to when their child was alive or back to the day of the accident or back to the death. Even back to the day of the funeral, back to the cemetery. We are often back in time in our mind and certainly in our hearts.

Time will make it easier...

True---I believe there is a slight hint of truth in this statement. Time does not necessarily make it easier, make the loss or pain easier but it does make it more manageable. After time we have the knowledge, the history that we have survived 10 days, 8 months, 4 years. With this we know that we will be able to survive 15 years, etc. We know that we will be able to survive the birthdays because we survived 3 previous ones. Time gives us the assurance that we will live through the 5th anniversary of their death because we have survived the last 4. History does repeat itself and in this case the history of survival or the history of breaking down will repeat itself.

False---Time does not make me miss DJ any less. I miss him with every ounce of my being and will never stop missing him. With this all said I remember someone telling me that the pain will be worse after a few months of DJ's death. I couldn't imagine this could possibly be true but unfortunately it was. After such a severe trauma your body, your mind goes into survival mode. It shuts down and is numb, there is a chemical that is released and it protects us from the pain. I know I certainly didn't think I felt numb after DJ passed away but apparently I did because a few months after his death the pain was worse. The chemical had worn off, time had released it and the pain was much more intense. I would never had believed it if it hadn't happened to me but time did make the pain worse.

Time heals all pain---

True--It heals the deep pain, the pain that comes from the soul. It heals the pain that comes from deep in the heart that only a parent that loses a child can feel, can understand. It heals some of it.

False--The pain doesn't go away fully ever!! This statement probably bothers me the most of all because a parent is never healed of the loss. It is always just a memory away. The pain is just below the surface and can remain hidden down for long periods of time but boy it can jump to the top of the heart in a flash. The pain can spring like a coil and tip us over and knock us about.

It takes time---

True--It takes time to figure out how to handle situations, how to handle the pain. It takes time to walk through the walk of loss and find your path in it. It doesn't happen over night, it does not happen quickly, it takes time. How long? It depends on the person, it depends on the day. Some people seem to quickly figure out their path, what to do and how to do it. Others it takes years. Of course some things are easier to figure out then others. What to make for dinner is easier than what to do with my child's clothes after he passes away. When to send the remaining children back to school is easier than what will we put on the headstone.

False--Just when we think we have things handled, just when we think we have the death of our child tucked safely away in our hearts something will hit us and all that time is gone. It is as if our child is dying again in front of us or the funeral is playing freshly in our brain as if we were there. We can go back in time in an instant, we can relive it all over again with just the touch of a button to our hearts.

Everything takes time--pain, joy, despair, healing, loss, tears, laughter, reliving. It all takes time so do not judge a parent that seems to be taking more time than you think is necessary. It all takes time and even time of our friends to listen to us, to love us and support us. No one knows the time line, their is no instruction manual except to say it all takes time.

Candles led to letters

2011-01-10T06:25:00.001-08:00

I never understood why people did candle light vigils after someone died until DJ passed away. After his death there were over 100 people in my front yard with plastic cups with holes in the center for the candle to keep it from dripping on people's hands. The words "We love DJ" "We miss you DJ" were written on the cups in black marker print letters.

I remember it like it was yesterday, it was the evening and was dark. The people's faces glowed with the light of the candles. There were many people I didn't recognize, many I did. Stories were told, people laughed and most wiped tears off their eyes. I went outside to listen to the people's words, it was cool outside, I had to wear a warm coat. I don't know where they parked, as I look back I have no idea where all their cars were.

Stories were told and the one I specifically liked was this---DJ had wanted me to buy him skinny jeans for months before he passed away. I didn't want to, I didn't like the look of them personally and really didn't see why in the world he would want to wear them-this was just before EVERY boy on the planet was wearing them. One day while taking DJ to school I remembered looking over at him and commenting on how good his jeans looked that he was wearing. He had his backpack on his lap and I couldn't see the jeans fully but thought they were the newest jeans I had bought for him. Well, during the vigil it was divulged that those jeans were actually my jeans he chose to wear that day because they looked skinny on him. He only weighed 105 pounds at 5 feet 4 inches so nothing was really skinny on him, everything was baggy.

I have always told my children that eventually I will find out everything, it might not be right away but eventually I will know it. I have told them that God is a great tattle tale!

After the vigil it made me realize that those faces I didn't know had stories about DJ that I didn't. That they knew things I would never know and I needed that information. It spurred me to get into touch with DJ's Junior High English teacher. I asked her if it would be possible for her to ask the kids that were in DJ's class to write stories about him. He had only been in the junior high for 2 months and I didn't know many of his newest friends and really wanted to know their stories of DJ.

A few weeks after my request a large envelope came in the mail and it was full of stories of DJ. The English classes had written letters to me telling me how great DJ was. That he was always nice to them and always encouraging them at school. He would help people open their lockers -he had struggled with this so much at the beginning of the year that I bought him a lock to practice on so he completely understood their frustrations. He would help kids pick up their books when they all fell in a heap in the hall. He was telling the kids they could do it, no matter what it was--a test, an assignment, a science experiment--he was a great encourager. One of the best stories was that DJ always had a joke for the kids at school, he always came with a joke he memorized to make everyone laugh---later I found a notebook he had written in that said "DJ's jokes", he had written some down, memorized them and shared them with his class. He was a happy, funny always smiling, always encouraging kid and boy I loved him and still do.

All this said, you never know what is going to result from a candle light vigil. Mine resulted in letters from his classmates with stories that made me proud of my boy.

You never know what will happen when you reach out to a family that has lost a child. Something that you see as small may become a prized possession to these families.

Don't think that anything you do for these families is too little, or too much. Just do something for them--if no one had organized the candle light vigil I might not have thought about getting stories from DJ's class. The stories I received may have never escaped those children's memories and come to me. The small things are important.

LOVE WITH YOUR HEART!

2011-01-06T13:22:00.001-08:00

In a town near me this week a senior high student entered a high school and shot two people. He drove away and shot and killed himself right after. The two people shot were staff and so far one, a woman has died from her wounds.

A friend of mine on an internet social website said "Let us all be that person that keeps someone from going too far." What unbelievable truth there is in this statement. For lack of a shorter phrase, here goes...Pay it Forward!

This is what we all should be doing. But what should we be paying forward? And who should we be paying it forward to?

Our Love
Our sincere love, not the kind that is selfish and not the kind where we are expecting to get love back but the SINCEREST type of love. Love the people who are obviously hurting. Love those that are maybe hurting. Love those that appear to be happy. Love those that seem unloveable. What do all these people have in common? They are people and All People need love regardless of what we think or don't think about them.

Our Friendship
This is different than love. We can love people but not be their friend. Perhaps if this young man had that one friendship that he could have confided into then this tragedy wouldn't have happened. Friendship is walking along with someone during the good, the bad and the ugly. Friendship is the next deeper step to love. There are people in my world I love but I haven't spent the time to create the friendships I should with them. That is my mistake and not theirs. Are there people you love but don't stretch yourself to get to know them enough to become their friend? This is the time to probably re-exam those friendships in your world-in my world. You-me may be the one person through friendship to help someone stand one more day, to exist one more day.

Is this a heavy burden I challenge you to? You bet it is, absolutely! But without challenge, without each other, without friendship and love we all just exist. How boring, how selfish is that of us. To just exist in our world is wrong-to just watch those hurting around us and not reaching out is almost criminal. What if this young man had one friend? What if he had the one person who looked past their own selfishness and looked into his eyes and saw pain and struggle and grief? Maybe today two people would still be alive, one person would not be in the hospital, hundreds of children would not be traumatized.

Don't get me wrong, this young man picked up the gun, loaded it, drove to the school, entered the building. He chose to shoot these two people, he chose to end his life. He made choice after choice that was wrong BUT where were the friendships? Where were the people that loved him, where was the unselfishness of the world to reach him?

My heart cries out for the parents of everyone in this tragedy. The two older people that were shot are someone's children. This young man has parents who are now walking an incredibly painful trail. I can't even fathom all of the fall out that this family will have to deal with. But again, here is a challenge--Who will be these people's friends? Who will love the young man parent's? It is easier to love the victim's families but this family is victimized too.

WE NEED TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER, WE NEED TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER, WE NEED TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER. Have I said it loud enough? This is my challenge to myself and to you today. Pay it forward and maybe save a life, maybe not. But pay it forward, stop being selfish and LOOK BEYOND YOUR EYES AND LOVE WITH YOUR HEART--this is paying it forward.

I feel like a Lifetime Channel Movie

2011-01-04T10:22:00.001-08:00

I feel like a Lifetime Channel movie sometime and apparently I am not alone. I feel like I have had a beginning, am in the middle of the middle and there will be an end. I was speaking to a friend this week who was having some struggles and she wished she had a crystal ball to figure out the outcomes. She felt if she could see the end results that all the issues she was dealing with would be easier to deal with. She wished she could see the end of the movie to have the strength to work through the middle. I so related---

I often feel that DJ's death has become the beginning of my story-it is the opening scene of the movie-it is a tear jerker and it creates a chain of events that alter the main characters forever. I feel my story is the beginning of the movie and my books, blogs, struggles, children's struggles, depression, full out life is the middle of the movie. The middle part where all the characters are unsure if they will ever get through the junk, if there will ever be a positive outcome. If we, if I, if my friend, if the characters of the movie could just fast forward to the end of the movie than they would have strength to keep fighting and keep going on.

I have seen some of the end of the movie--or atleast a few scenes, a few minutes of it---I have seen some of DJ's friends accept Christ. I have seen people's relationships with their children change after seeing our son lose his life. I have seen families require their children to wear helmets to keep them safe, safe from tragedy like that of DJ's accident.

But what is the end result? Will my book or blog someday help someone struggling to overcome depression, overcome the loss of their loved one? Will their story then become the beginning of another movie--one with a new middle and new end?

I have to be honest, I liked my old movie--my old life--my old me. I didn't want to be a blip on anyone's radar screen-I liked having my family intact and no one knowing the story line of the movie. I liked DJ being in the beginning, the middle and the end. I liked having my son to look at, touch, talk to, hug and plain out enjoy. I don't like this new movie and I certainly don't like the fact that I feel like I am in the middle and have no end in sight and no fast forward button to see the finish-to see if all the struggles were worth it.

My story and that of my friend and of so many others seems to be just a story of loss and struggle. Is all the pain and struggle worth it? If I were answering from a religious view I would ofcourse say Yes and that we all have to have strength and faith--yadee yadee yadee. I am not meaning to discredit the relationship I have with Christ but some days those are not the answers that really help. I get the spiritual side of it and that is why I stand up today but somedays I want the fast forward button and I want the answers to the end of the play, I want a crystal ball to let me know that all this pain has a happy ending somewhere-for someone--if not me than for someone far reaching, a few scenes away.

Creating a legacy at a high cost

2011-01-03T06:38:00.000-08:00

My husband Donnie and I were talking the other day about what we have gone through over the last few years, throughout our marriage. We were looking back because the anniversary of our first date 24 years ago was coming up--it made us reflective.

Anyway the result of the conversation was that we are going to be leaving behind a legacy, one at an an extremely high cost but a legacy for the generations ahead of us.

What is this legacy?

It is that we have survived the death of DJ. We have survived physically, mentally, emotionally. We have survived on so many levels. Our marriage has survived so far and our children are still intact and we haven't gone into the loony bin yet.

We aren't perfect, we haven't walked a clean and easy road. It has been full of bumps and bruises but we have so far survived. I say so far, I use the word yet because this walk isn't over yet and any given day may change the outcome of this survival--I am not a pessimist but a realist and I have seen too much to take anything for granted. All this aside--we have survived and this is the legacy we have set in place for our family and even our friends.

Someday when my children or friends are struggling in their marriage or their lives seems a little tougher they will be able to look back at our legacy and see that we worked through far worse. We stood on the strength of Christ and kept our heads up even when we wanted to dig a hole and stay in it. There is no pride here, there is no "look at me" here--this legacy has come at the highest cost a parent can pay--the loss of our boy DJ. I know exactly where my strength has come from and there is no pride in it--only humble spirit and thankfullness.

My legacy, that of our family, that of my children will be that we survived and that is the legacy that we all have an opportunity to create. Don't give up if you are struggling, don't allow the pain to become too much that you cannot stand anymore. Find your strength-mine is Christ-mine is knowing that someday there will be a reunion between DJ and I, mine is knowing that God is in control and holding me up everytime I fall. Find strength, find a legacy to leave behind--the cost has been so high for us as parents but that legacy can continue on for generations to come.

Hans Christian Andersen's words

2011-01-02T09:58:00.000-08:00

I came across this writing by Hans Christian Andersen--he must have lost a child or knew of someone who did because his words are unbelievable( if anyone knows the facts feel free to comment them to me) and it made me cry reading it--I cannot do writing like this, I am in awe but I can certainly share his heartfelt and touching words---

The Child in the Grave by Hans Christian Andersen 1859

It was a very sad day, and every heart in the house felt the deepest grief, for the youngest child, a boy of four years, the joy and hope of the parents was dead. Two daughters, the elder of whom was going to be confirmed, still remained; they were both good, charming girls; but the lost child always seems the dearest; and when it is youngest and a son, it makes the trial still more heavy. The sisters mourned as young hearts can mourn, and were especially grieved at the sight of their parents' sorrow. The father's heart was bowed down, but the mother sunk completely under the deep grief. Day and night she had attended to the sick child, nursing and carrying it in her bosom, as a part of herself. She could not realize the fact that the child was dead, and must be laid in a coffin to rest in the ground. She thought God could not take her darling little one from her, and when it did happen notwithstanding her hopes and her belief, and there could be no more doubt in the subject, she said in her feverish agony, "God does not know it. He has hard-hearted ministering spirits on earth, who do according to their own will, and heed not a mother's prayers." Thus in her great grief she fell away from her faith in God, and dark thoughts arose in her mind respecting death and a future state. She tried to believe that man was but dust, and that with his life all existence ended. But these doubts were no support to her, nothing on which she could rest, and she sunk into the fathomless depths of despair. In her darkest hours she ceased to weep, and thought not of the young daughters who were still left to her. The tears of her husband fell on her forehead, but she took no notice of him; her thoughts were with her dead child; her whole existence seemed wrapped up in the remembrances of the little one and of every innocent word it had uttered.

The day of the little child's funeral came. For nights previously the mother had not slept, but in the morning twilight of this day she sunk from weariness into a deep sleep; in the mean time the coffin was carried into a distant room, and there nailed down, that she might not hear the blows of the hammer. When she awoke and wanted to see her child, the husband, with tears, said, "We have closed the coffin; it was necessary to do so."

"When God is so hard to me, how can I expect men to be better?" she said with groans and tears.

The coffin was carried to the grave, and the disconsolate mother sat with her young daughters. She looked at them, but she saw them not; for her thoughts were far away from the domestic hearth. She gave herself up to her grief, and it tossed her to and fro, as the sea tosses a ship without compass or rudder. So the day of the funeral passed away, and similar days followed, of dark wearisome pain. With tearful eyes and mournful glances, the sorrowing daughters and the afflicted husband looked upon her who would not hear their words of comfort; and, indeed, what comforting words could they speak, when they were themselves so full of grief? It seemed as if she would never again know sleep, and yet it would have been her best friend, one who would have strengthened her body and poured peace into her soul. They at last persuaded her to lie down, and then she would lie as still as if she slept.

One night when her husband listened, as he often did, to her breathing, he quite believed that she had at length found rest and relief in sleep. He folded his arms and prayed, and soon sunk himself into healthful sleep; therefore he did not notice that his wife arose, threw on her clothes, and glided silently from the house , to go where her thoughts constantly lingered--to the grave of her child. She passed through the garden, to a path across a field that led to the churchyard. No one saw her as she walked, nor did she see any one; for her eyes were fixed upon the one object of her wanderings. It was a lovely starlight night in the beginning of September, and the air was mild and still. She entered the churchyard, and stood by the little grave, which looked like a large nosegay of fragrant flowers. She sat down, and bent her head low over the grave, as if she could see her child throught the earth that covered him--her little boy, whose smile was so vividly before her, and the gentle expression of whose eyes, even on his sick-bed, she could not forget. How full of meaning that glance had been, as she leaned over him, holding in hers the pale hand which he had no longer strength to raise! As she had sat by his little cot, so now she sat by his grave; and here she could weep freely, and her tears fell upon it.

"Thou wouldst gladly go down and be with the child," said a voice that sounded so deep and clear, that it went to her heart.

She looked up, and by her side stood a man wrapped in a black cloak, with a hood closely drawn over his face; but her keen glance could distinguish the face under the hood. It was stern, yet awakened confidence, and the eyes beamed with youthful radiance.

"Darest thou to follow me?" asked the form. "I am Death."

She bowed her head in token of assent. Then suddenly it appeared as if all the stars were shining with the radiance of the full moon on the many-colored flowers that decked the grave. The earth that covered it was drawn back like a floating drapery. She sunk down, and the specter covered her with a black cloak; night closed around her, the night of death. She sank deeper than the spade of the sexton could penetrate, till the churchyard became a roof above her. Then the cloak was removed, and she found herself in a large hall, of wide-spreading dimensions, in which there was a subdued light, like twilight, reigning, and in a moment her child appeared before her, smiling, and more beautiful than ever; with a silent cry she pressed him to her heart. A glorious stain of music sounded--now distant, now near. Never had she listened to such tones as these; they came from beyond a large dark curtain which separated the regions of death from the land of eternity.

"My sweet, darling mother," she heard the child say. It was the well-known, beloved voice; and kiss followed kiss, in boundless delight. Then the child pointed to the dark curtain. "There is nothing so beautiful on earth as it is here. Mother, do you not see them all? Oh, it is happiness indeed."

But the mother saw nothing of what the child pointed out, only the dark curtain. She looked with earthly eyes and could not see as the child saw--he whom God has called to be with Himself. She could hear the sounds of music, but she heard not the words, the Word in which she was to trust.

"I can fly now, mother," said the child; "I can fly with other happy children into the presence of the Almighty. I would fain fly away now; but it you weep for me as you are weeping now, you may never see me again. And yet I would go so gladly. May I not fly away? And you will come to me soon, will you not, dear mother?"

"Oh, stay, stay!" implored the mother; "only one moment more; only once more, that I may look upon thee, and kiss thee, and press thee to my heart."

Then she kissed and fondled her child. Suddenly her name was called from above, what could it mean? her name uttered in a plaintive voice.

"Hearest thou?" said the child. "It is my father who calls thee." And in a few moments deep sighs were heard, as of children weeping. "They are my sisters, " said the child. "Mother, surely you have not forgotten them."

And then she rememberd those she left behind, and a great terror came over her. She looked around her at the dark night. Dim forms flitted by. She seemed to recognize some of them, as they floated through the regions of death towards the dark curtain, where they vanished. Would her husband and her daughters flit past? No; their sighs and lamentations still sounded from above, and she had nearly forgotten them, for the sake of him who was dead.

"Mother, now the bells of heaven are ringing, "said the child, "mother, the sun is going to rise."

An overpowering light streamed in upon her, the child had vanished, and she was being borne upwards. All around her became cold; she lifted her head, and saw that she was lying in the churchyard, on the grave of her child. The Lord, in a dream, had been a guide to her feet and a light to her spirit. She bowed her knees, and prayed for forgiveness. She had wished to keep back a soul from its immortal flight; she had forgotten her duties towards the living who were left her. And when she had offered this prayer, her heart felt lighter. The sun burst forth, over her head a little bird carolled his song, and the church-bells sounded for the early service. Everything around her seemed holy, and her heart was chastened. She acknowledged the goodness of God, she acknowledged the duties she had to perform, and eagerly she returned home. She bent over her husband, who still slept; her warm, devoted kiss awakened him, and words of heartflet love fell from the lips of both. Now she was gentle and strong as a wife can be, and from her lips came the words of faith; "Whatever He doeth is right and best."

Then her husband asked, "From whence hast thou all at once derived such strength and comforting faith?"

And as she kissed him and her children, she said. "It came from God, through my child in the grave."

May you all find strength in Christ, God Bless you all, Lisa-forever DJ's mom

Happy Words?

2011-01-01T06:48:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year everyone! Words, words, and more words...

This week my family had dinner with a close friend who has had a few family members pass away in the last couple of years. For some reason unknown to him for the last two weeks people have been coming to his work and telling them how sorry they are for his loss. These same people then continued to tell him story, after story of his loved ones. Not just a few stories but novels of them. By the end of the work day my friend was completely exhausted, he had heard way too many words for the week.

A few months after DJ passed away I went to a business meeting for my company and from the time I stepped out onto the parking lot and left 6 hours later person, after person felt the need to tell me how sorry they were for my loss. I couldn't wait to leave the meeting and was absolutely beat up by the words at the end of it.

I want to explain what I am trying to say here...We love hearing stories about our loved ones. As you also know from reading my blog we love to hear the names of those that have passed away. We know you want to express your sympathy to us and to console us as well. However, please consider the environment where you are expressing those words...in the middle of a work meeting isn't probably the time to tell us over and over again how sorry you are. We don't often have the energy to hear stories for hours, especially when people say "I don't mean to make you sad BUT". Well, honestly what do you think is going to happen after this kind of comment?

We don't want to be mean to you, we don't want to be harsh to you. We appreciate the words you say to us but please take time to consider the location, the amount of words you say, the type of stories you tell us. Please consider our feelings before you express yours.

(You can find my ebook at flowersonagrave.com and I am going to begin my cookie blog this week--watch out for peanut butter cookies)

Vacations

2010-12-30T06:13:00.001-08:00

This is the time of year that people often go on vacations for the holiday season. Wonderful trips are planned, suitcases are packed and people fly or drive away to fantastic destinations.

For people who have lost children I have found that they have often have one of three different reactions to vacations and traveling...

1. The families absolutely do not go anywhere that they did go with that child. We just can't go to the same places we had been with DJ--too many memories, too many triggers, too much pain connected to these fabulous places. We used to travel around every six months especially to the Florida Keys but now I can barely imagine going somewhere that DJ has been. Our youngest son Jake has gotten robbed by this development but it is what it is and we are trying to go other places with him.

2. The families leave town all the time. I know many families that just cannot stand to be alone in their home too much and travel and travel and travel. Their houses are quiet and empty and staying in the home too long is unhealthy for them. They need the diversions, the change of pace, the new locations that are not connected with their child. They chose to be gone a lot, they chose to make new memories with their remaining children and family members.

3. The families flat out don't go anywhere at all that is not required. I have interviewed families that do not like to travel at all and find their comfort in their homes. They feel the safest surrounded by their things and the things of their child. Many people I interviewed ended up changing jobs after their children passed away--they just couldn't fathom leaving town and traveling for their jobs anymore. Often familes that have lost children don't even like going out to dinner with friends, they find comfort in their homes and that is where they try to stay the most. So traveling doesn't just need to be going far away on a trip it can be going to the neighbors for coffee.

If you have friends that have lost children and you ask them to dinner or to an outing, again and again and they just don't show up--don't give up or take it personally. Most likely their comfort is in their home, or they just aren't ready yet. It has been 5 Christmases for us since DJ passed away and we are just barely saying Yes to people--it takes time, it takes strength. There is no time schedule and everyone is different--be patient, be kind, be understanding or be gone. (yes that was harsh but we as parent's that have lost children often don't have the energy to help others understand our pain sometimes--that is why I blog)

My ebook is available at flowersonagrave.com

Too much time alone

2010-12-26T06:47:00.000-08:00

I used to mow my lawn, we have an acreage so it gave me a lot of time to think and reflect on life. I used to really like to mow. This was before DJ passed away.

I used to love shoveling snow--okay, YES I know that is weird but I really like the challenge of getting it done before my neighbors get theirs done. I used to like doing this before DJ passed away.

I do not like doing these things anymore, I don't even mow my yard anymore-we hire it out.

I used to like to escape in a movie on television and get recharged by being alone, not so much anymore.

Why, don't I like these things anymore?

Too much time alone. I am not good at being alone too long anymore. It gives me too much time to think, too much time to reflect on life and this reflection is often painful.

If I am alone I am usually doing a specific task--something that takes up brain power and makes me concentrate. I don't do casual idle time very well. Actually I don't do idle time at all--most people who know me know that I don't sit down until the day is over. Once I sit it is time to sleep and that is my idle time.

I need to be busy. I need to be busy with my hands--baking, cooking, cleaning, sewing, etc. I need to be busy with my mind, writing, creating Captain Tag books with my family, homeschooling Jake. I guess it is a good thing that I have lots of things I like to do at home because they keep me busy.

Maybe there are other grieving parents out there that need that time alone, time to think of their child and ponder on the relationships they had. I just can't do that, I think of DJ all the time anyway and I can't be alone too long in my thoughts or I just get sad and go down that hole that is dark, deep and hard to get out of. A rabbit hole....

A complete side not here--There is a movie coming out called The Rabbit Hole--about a family 8 months after they lose a child. I don't plan on seeing this movie, if you have read my blog much you know that I just can't see movies like that---however, I have to say that the title is brilliant and the death of a child is like going into that Rabbit Hole--everything is different and seen from a total different perspective, you feel small, you feel too big, you feel lost, you feel crazy. My hat is off to the writer of this broadway play and movie because there is little else that encompasses the death of a child in just three words--it is brilliant.

(My book is out on ebook at flowersonagrave.com It will be out on hardback in 4-6 weeks)

flowersonagrave.com

2010-12-25T10:46:00.000-08:00

Dearest readers and followers,
Dearest families and loved ones,
Dearest survivors and parents,
Dearest families who shared their words, wounds and stories,

I don't have enough thanks in the world to tell you all how much I appreciate you and am so thankful for you all!! So many of you have shared words of support and words of grief. So many have touched my heart and inspired me to continue to go on. You have all been brave and strong (even when it doesn't seem you have enough strength in you) and continued to live on for your children's memory and for your loved one's, I am sure they are all proud of you!!

After almost two years of work and hours of typing and retyping and reading and rereading, here is the culmination and completion of familie's stories and words--

My ebook is finally available for purchase and the hard back will be available in 4-6 weeks. Once that is available I will have all the families who shared their lives with me to Jones Brother's Cupcakes for an official unveiling but until then here is my site for ordering my finally completed ebook---

flowersonagrave.com

Thanks to you all and God Bless your Christmas and New year!!! Lisa--forever DJ's mom

Celebrating versus Observing

2010-12-16T05:39:00.000-08:00

The holidays are here. The holidays are stacked upon us for the next couple of weeks.

As a parent who has lost a child holidays are awfully difficult. There is so much to deal with in so many different ways--

We can feel guilty about enjoying the holidays without our child. What if we are having a good time? Our child is not with us and we can feel guilt about enjoying life and the holidays. How can we be happy watching our remaining children open up gifts if one is missing? Well this is where logic needs to come in--we need to remember that our child would not want us to be miserable during the holidays. They would want us to continue to live. Also we ABSOLUTELY have to remember that we have other children (or other family members) that we need to continue the holidays for. It is not fair to "punish" our remaining children by not enjoying them. They are enough for us, we must remember this.

We have traditions that we have to figure out what to do with now. The same place for the tree? The same food, same date? Same type of gifts, stockings? We no longer celebrate Christmas on Christmas eve at our house anymore--old tradition. We now have it the day before Christmas eve. Initially right after DJ's death I needed to get the holiday over as soon as possible and moving it up just one day helped me. I have started putting the tree up in a different room. I can't relive the memory of DJ climbing under the tree in his red boxers looking for gifts. I remember it every year but seeing the tree in a different spot lessons the pain of the memory. It lessons the pain and makes it a happy memory.

I did not have Emilee or Jake decorate their own tree this year. Every year in the past they had their own ornaments to decorate their own tree together. Well this year I just didn't have it in me and they absolutely did not miss tackling that job. I did end up finding a perfect ornament for DJ this year and bought it and did as usual buy the kids their own--but going through all the ornaments and sorting out which ones were DJ's and which aren't just isn't happening. Will I do it next year? I don't know. I never know what is going to happen year to year.

I no longer send out Christmas cards or a family Christmas picture. DJ is missing, the picture would be incomplete and I just don't do it. Every year we would do something but we haven't since 2006. If I could copy and paste DJ's picture into a photo maybe I would but that seems a little morbid for me. Old tradition completely gone.

Also it is hard to say Happy Holidays, Happy anything--again guilt here. Someone posted something on twitter awhile ago stating to observe the holidays instead of celebrate them. Wow, that was like a lightbulb exploding above my head for me. Those few words take away so much guilt of being happy about the holidays. Usually I am not a guilt ridden person, I truly feel guilt is from the enemy and is completely useless but I was struggling with this senseless guilt. Observing the holidays is just plain easier than trying to celebrate them. Do I have a reason to celebrate?--you bet--DJ is in heaven, Christ's death and resurrection allowed that. Because of Christ I will get to be reunited with DJ again--CHRISTmas can be wonderful if we truly remember why the holiday exists at all!

Thank you all for your comments

2010-12-15T07:53:00.000-08:00

I had a blog in mind today about time lines but then I got distracted and saw that many of you have been leaving comments to me. I didn't know that these comments were being posted. I am so thankful to you all for the words of encouragement and understanding you have sent to me via the blog. I am sorry I can't respond to you each individually because for some reason my site doesn't allow me to or I just plain haven't figured it out yet.

Julie--thank you so much for what you said, it touched me so much--I am so sorry you have had loss as well-we all have been touched by loss in so many ways. I wish I could respond directly to your words but again, I haven't figured out how yet. We need to do coffee or thrift shop together, apparently you know of where I go :)

Angie--no one is immune and that sucks! I am glad though that your life has continued to go on in a way that I am sure Jack and Garret are proud of!! You rock!!

Please officially follow my blog because then I believe I can respond directly back to you--I am not sure but it could be the case. With all the wonderful things said I would love to chat with you all!! Plus we all need to communicate in ways of encouragement and uplifting to each other--so much pain and we all need each other for sure!!

I really needed this boost in the arm today, holidays are always hard and this year isn't any different. I can't seem to see beyond myself this year, I am only seeing within the blinders and this has helped me see a few feet in front!

Again, thank you all for your kind words, it shows me that these words and ramblings are not in vain but hopefully are offering help to those of us in the world walking the loss of someone we love!!

A dieing plant

2010-12-14T13:36:00.000-08:00

There is a plant at my in-laws house that is dieing. Everytime I walk by the plant it bothers me. I have watered it, I have told my mother in law that it needs water and the water ball thingies aren't working anymore. The plant is in a prominent corner of her home, there is a white bow in the pot--it once was beautiful and full of shiny leaves. It once looked for the sun to shine and was drawn to it.

She tells me it needs replanted and that she has the dirt. I hate seeing the plant's leaves drooping and hanging. I hate seeing the brown beginning to show and I absolutely hate the curling the leaves are beginning to do. It no longer looks for the sun to shine, it just droops in disregard.

I hate walking by this plant because it is a plant I gave my mother in law from DJ's funeral. It is a plant the has survived over 4 years since DJ passed away and it is beginning to die. I don't think she understands how important this plant is to me. I don't think she realizes that this is a piece of DJ that she is allowing to die. I don't think she undersands how much I hate seeing it die. I cringe when I pass by it, it causes me to think of DJ's funeral whenever I see it and seeing it die does not make me happy.

The dieing plant has made me realize that people forget. I knew this fact, I know this fact but I guess I thought my mother in law (that family) wouldn't forget as quickly as some. I thought she would get the fact that an unimportant plant is still important to me even 4 years later.

I get it, I truly do. I can't remember the anniversary date's of my friends that have lost children. It is not that I have forgotten their child I just can't remember their death dates. I have a hard enough time trying to remember what the actual date is on the calender. So I get it, life is fast, life continues, life goes on.

Well for those of you that have not lost children, this is how we feel when our children's things are no longer treasured. When their name is no longer said. We feel hurt when things that we consider precious are no longer considered to be by others. When our children are forogtten we absolutely hate it.

That plant is dieing. I will have to repot it and bring it back to life because it is part of my memory of DJ. The leaves no longer reach for the son but DJ reached for THE SON. The leaves are lack luster and drooping while DJ will forever be perfect in His Glory.

As readers who have not lost children do not judge us for wanting the "plants" to stay shiny and new. Don't judge us or get concerned when we are still hanging onto things that our child touched or loved. These things will always be important to us, they may lose some of their luster throughout the years, the memories may fade regarding the objects but still we want these things held in high respect, in respect to our children and their memory.

If you have a plant, a toy, a piece of clothing, anything that was one of our children's please give it the respect and honor it still deserves--in honor of our child.

Melancholy

2010-12-07T05:31:00.000-08:00

A dear friend of mine who has lost a son told me she was feeling melancholy lately and couldn't seem to shake it. I had to agree with her that my household feels the same way, it is a heaviness that won't go away. It lingers about like a fog.

I decided to look up the word in the dictionary and this is what it says...melancholy is a depression of the spirit, depressed in spirit.

Maybe this means our spirits are depressed. Jesus' Holy Spirit that resides in us is depressed. How does that happen?

This is my theory-(please forgive my hypothesis here it is only a guess and I am not a theological expert)---I think that we as parents have prayed for years about our children, we have prayed for their safety, for their relationships, for their futures and after they are gone we are lost too. I think this lost sense begins to fester into a loss of faith---where was God when my son was dying? Why did He not protect him or save him? There are a million questions we can ask God and until we are all reunited we generally don't get the answers, or atleast the ones we want. Anyway, this doubt can fester in our spirit as well. We lose faith, we hurt our spirit. Our spirit grieves our doubts, it grieves the loss of our children. God grieves with us too.

Is melancholy the grief the Holy Spirit feels within us? Perhaps, I don't know but it makes sense to me.

Bigger question is how do I take myself from this melancholy? How can I look beyond my own pain and be thankful to God for the things He has done for me? How do I remember that He is still walking with me everyday, every second and has held me up when I could no longer stand?

This I do through a relationship with Christ, through His word, through prayer--the three legs of a footstool. Without one of them the chair tips-I need all three to continue to stand up and be strong.

My challenge to myself is to find a scripture today to stand on--a scripture that can give my spirit confidence and faith. A scripture I can pray that will take me from melancholy to nonmelancholy (okay I know that seems to be poor grammer but I can't see the word joyful coming into this today).

I challenge you all today to get into His word and get guidance from Him as well--He does not want our Spirit grieved, it is not a weak spirit He has within us-we need to find our faith and strength in Him

Today I challenge myself and all of you to find strength in God's word and in Him. With His strength perhaps the melancholy will release and float away--

(Update--ebook will be out next week, my guy is doing last of webpage work this week. Actual hard copy book within 4-6 business weeks--will keep everyone in the loop!)

Triggers

2010-12-06T17:18:00.000-08:00

There are triggers everywhere that remind parents of their child....

Macaroni and cheese--DJ loved my homemade mac and cheese and was beginning to make it himself
Saucepans in the cubbard--just bought those for DJ 3 weeks before his accident so he could cook

A yellow truck--a friend's son had just bought his own yellow truck before he passed away
A stroller---a stroller that looks like the one your child should be in
An intersection---a section of the interstate where a child has passed away

A child walking down a sidewalk that looks just like your child

A television show that you watched with our child over and over again (fear factor and robot wars at my house)

A movie that your child watched with you or one that they had wanted to see but passed away before they actually ever saw it.

A package of cookies at a grocery store--any food that your child loved at the store

A plastic bb from a bb gun that was stuck behind a cabinet for over 4 years

Someone on the other end of the phone with the same name

A plastic car, a t-shirt worn by a younger sibling, a homework assignment in a backpack that has been stored away, a book touched by your child last, a cloud in the sky, a flower in the day light, a whisper, a prayer--so much can remind us of our child that it is no wonder we are thinking of them all the time--even when our friends and family have no idea---everything can be a trigger and nothing---we are only a thought away from our children--be kind to us all

Mementos

2010-12-02T05:27:00.000-08:00

I still have a box of DJ's chocolate crunch bars in the refrigerator. I found them in his sock drawer after he passed away. He loved chocolate and had them stashed so no one else would eat them. Jake had a friend come over last summer, he saw the bars and wanted to eat one. Jake said No, I said No and then explained that they were DJ's and he couldn't have them. This friend had never met DJ and didn't realize the importance of the bars.

That is the thing about mementos. They are important to us but aren't truly to anyone else.

We keep these things close to us and around us. We keep them to remember our children in a physical way not just in our memories. We keep these things so other's will not forget our child.

What else do I have that no one else cares about? I have a coin that DJ got from a police officer that has the police department's emblem on it. It has been in my purse for over 4 years. I have DJ's t-shirts in my closet and wear them occasionally. I have DJ's skateboards that will never be used again and his helmet that he wasn't wearing that day. I have a small ceramic cat that DJ gave me, worth no more than $5.00 but worth the world to me. I have bright yellow ducks in the kid's bathroom--DJ hated being called Donald Duck so our family collected them and gave them to him just to be silly. I have the Daily Bread bible study that was sitting next to his bed when he passed away. His lamp, his cards he made into ramps, his schoolwork poster I made him work on when he didn't want to, a lock of his hair, some of his favorite books, the list can go on and on.

I know parents that have their child's stuffed animal in a bag and carry it with them wherever they go. I know parents that have entire rooms full of their children's things years and years later. Some people still have their children's coat and shoes by the front door, never to be worn again but still sitting there years later-never to be moved either.

The really sucky thing about all these mementos is that someday they will end up in the trash. Someday they will not mean anything to anyone else. Someday someone will look at them and not see my son holding them or giving them to me. Someday the memories attached to these things will be gone and then they will be donated or thrown away. Someday someone will not care about them anymore and to us as parents that is just like them not caring about our child anymore.

We keep these mementos to keep our children near--they may be trash to some but are treasure to us!

Dreams

2010-11-30T05:08:00.000-08:00

I had a dream about DJ last night. I woke up this morning after holding his hand in my dream. In my dream I was holding his hand against my hand and was measuring to see how big his hand was compared to mine. This is something I actually did when DJ was in the hospital before he died. I wanted to know, I wanted to never forget how big his hand was since I was never going to get to hold it again. In my dream it was just like it had been in the hospital, his hand was just slightly bigger than mine-barely but just. Funny it was also grubby, DJ's hands were always dirty because he was outside grabbing toward the ground at his skateboard so much all the time Also in the dream I was sitting in a circle and told DJ to come sit next to his brother. The rest is muddled but the importance is that I dreamt about DJ, I can even recall rubbing my hand on his back to touch his skinny back and shoulders.

The importance of all this to me is that I have not dreamt about DJ in four years. I have not been able to see him move since he passed away.

Many parents dream about their child all the time. God gives them this gift--I believe it is a gift! I know of a woman who has a dream journal because she dreams about her son so much.

My husband dreamt about DJ a lot right after he passed away. Was I envious of this?--you bet. I wanted to hear his voice again, I wanted to see him walk again, hug him again-even if it was just in a dream.

Why didn't God give me dreams? Did it make me feel bad? Yes. Did it make me feel like I wasn't worth the gift of a dream? Yes. Did it make me feel so incredibly sad? Yes. Did it make me wonder why God would not let me see my boy at least in a dream? Yes. Did it make me grieve that I couldn't dream of him? Yes.

Will I dream about DJ again? I don't know but today's blog isn't just about me dreaming about DJ. It is about the fact that some of us never dream of their child and it makes us feel unworthy.

Don't feel unworthy if you don't dream about your child. Try not to be jealous of someone (perhaps your spouse) that does dream about your dear, dear child. Don't feel that God is punishing you by not allowing you to dream-this is from the enemy to make you angry at God. Do not despair that someone else gets to see your child again while you wait for years and years. Do not be angry at God----

Most of all remember that someday you will again be able to see your child in heaven and that you will never be seperated from them again. Have this hope when their seems to be no hope. That is a dream that will come true and will last forever!

Different Christmas Traditions

2010-11-27T09:50:00.000-08:00

Today I bought a Christmas tree for DJ's grave, I picked out some ornaments that made me think of DJ. I bought gingerbread letters that spelled out his initials-D and J. I bought a chocolate looking Santa ornament because he absolutely loved chocolate. Today sucked.

It did however remind me that after you lose a child, old traditions go away and different ones come about. I don't say new traditions because "new" means something exciting, something that someone wants. This change to my traditions I never wanted, they were thrust upon me because the old ones were just too painful to continue.

I now put our Christmas tree up as late as I possibly can, if I didn't have children at home I probably wouldn't put one up at all. We now put our Christmas tree in a completely different room. It is too painful to remember seeing DJ in his red boxers digging under the Christmas tree in the living room looking for gifts. It has to be somewhere that I do not see him over and over again in my memory.

Every year I would buy the kids their own ornaments and then they had their own tree to put up and decorate. Up until this year (the fourth since DJ's been gone) I have always bought all three kids an ornament but this year I only bought Em and Jake one. I saw no sense in buying DJ one. That sucks too.

We now celebrate Christmas on Christmas eve, eve. I tell people who don't really care that we do it because then you can take gifts back with no lines on Christmas Eve-and that we get to just relax on Christmas Day-little stress that way. The truth is that I cannot wait for Christmas to be over and this way it gets shortened up--celebrate it early and be done early.

People I have interviewed do many different traditions now as well--many families go out of town altogether during the holiday season--they just don't want to be home! People go to other family's homes, again leaving their house completely. People get rid of all their old ornaments and buy new ones--no memories attached to the newest tree. Some don't put up any trees or some go the other way and decorate like crazy so they can fall asleep in exhaustion during the holidays.

I have different traditions now, are they better? No. Are they worse? Yes because I have them because I have lost a child. I would much rather have the old traditions and my son. I wish my tree and my son were both in my living room.

Say my child's name

2010-11-26T06:11:00.000-08:00

Say my child's name. It is that simple. To continue to be in my world say DJ's name. Do not be afraid to speak about him. Tell me stories. Remind me of silly things he did.

After a child dies people are often afraid to say our child's name. People are worried that it will make us sad. Silly, silly people. Sadness is always there, it is just hidden. It is masked beneath our smile--that Mona Lisa fake smile. If we are having a really good day it could be miles away from our thoughts and deeply stored away. Some days the sadness is a dark cloak over us that people can see and one that we don't wish to remove. The sadness is always just a thought or memory away.

I had a girlfriend that would text me after DJ passed away. She would tell me she was worried about me and ask me how everything was BUT she would never say DJ's name. I hated getting texts from her because she would talk about everything, would want to know everything but would not say DJ's name. I am no longer friends with this person.

Don't be afraid to say our child's name. Do not worry it will make us sad because again, sadness is just a hop and skip away. It will make us sadder if our child is forgotten, as if they never truly lived. And that to us is a horrible gut wrenching pain. Far worse than to hear their name is to not ever hear their name! Far worse is that they are forgotten.

Tell us stories--I remember when DJ would get in trouble at school because he would take food out of the trash can. It appalled him that someone would throw away a perfectly good bag of chips-he couldn't stand the waste. The staff eventually had to tell him to quit doing it.

I remember when DJ would make taco hot dog cheese wraps--yuck but he would eat them.

I remember hugging him and feeling his bony shoulders-I cannot wait to feel them again.

I remember listening to Johnny Cash songs with him and blasting them in the car so he could get charged to skateboard with Luke and his buddies. Hey, hey get Rhythm!

I remember driving him to Salvy, to Roberts, all over town to skateboard with his buddies.

I remember his constant smile-the one he was born with, the one that was always on his face!

I remember him asking to hear stories, he loved to hear about other's people stories-like he was storing them.

I could go on for hours with memories but I bet some of you have more that you could share--if not with me than with another friend that has lost a child--

My challenge to you all today is to remember our children and not forget to say their names.

The first and fourth Thanksgiving

2010-11-23T16:50:00.000-08:00

I still remember the first Thanksgiving--no not the Pilgrim's and Indian's Thanksgiving- No, the first Thanksgiving without DJ. It was terrible-it was only 6 weeks after his death. I can still remember going to the in-laws and seeing the table without DJ sitting at it. Seeing all the other long legged young men and not DJ. I remember my husband not going, not being able to sit at the table and pretend to be thankful for anything. I remember how quiet it seemed at the dinner table that Thanksgiving. I remember getting up early from the table to go into the other room, away from where my son should have been sitting. Away from the pain--or atleast three feet away from the table. The pain did not go away.

Now four Thanksgivings later I see a different one coming. I see one where I am thankful for my husband-that we have survived this tragedy-that our marriage is still intact and I still love him with all my heart. I see one where I am thankful for my two children that are safe and under my roof. I am thankful that they have come so far in the last four years yet it still breaks my heart that they have so far to go.

The in-laws want to take family pictures of everyone this Thanksgiving--I have already told my mother in law that we no longer do family pictures. We are missing a huge part of our family and there is no way we will do one--we haven't done one since DJ died. I see a Thanksgiving where we are more thankful than four years ago but I also see one that is forever changed and different.

Don't forget to be thankful for the really important things this year--and remember they aren't things-- they are people and relationships and those that you love. That is what I am thankful for and longing to see again.

Weddings

2010-11-21T07:51:00.000-08:00

Okay so many of you know that I try really hard to not watch the news on television. Too many stories about too many children passing away. Too much pain all the time.

So I watch a television show today about brides to be buying their wedding dresses. Sounds like a safe show right? Yay right...A young woman talks about how she is trying to find a dress that will symbolize her sister who had passed away a year prior. Then one of the consultants starts speaking about how he had lost his sister when he was 12 years old and how he still carries that with him everyday for the last 30 plus years.

This brings about two facts---

One---DJ's friends are going to be getting married someday and I am going to have to pretend that I am happy for them. This has already happened to some of the people I have interviewed and usually the women end up crying during the service. They aren't crying for the joy for the couple but for the fact that their children are not there. It becomes so evident during these kind of events that their child is gone. It is too much of an expectation for some families to be happy during the weddings so many just don't go altogether.

Second---my children will be getting married someday and DJ will not be present for them. I had a friend who's brother passed away when we were in college and she represented him in her wedding with a special candle and a remembrance in the announcement. Is this what DJ's life is going to be summed down to? A sentence and a candle? That sucks.

I am re-reading this posting and realizing that it is not the news or the television that is causing me pain. It is life that causes me pain. It wouldn't matter if I was watching Sponge Bob or The Terminator. It wouldn't matter if I was reading a Sesame Street book or a Stephen King novel. Life is what it is and I need to bloom like the iris. I need to be strong and realize that life is hard and be prepared for it. Perhaps there will be one hundred purple irises at my children's weddings and you all will know why.

Birthdays

2010-11-20T19:11:00.000-08:00

Birthdays suck for families that have lost children...

We miss our children, we miss the excitement of their day. We lose out on the enjoyment we had with them. We don't get to blow out candles any longer with them. We don't get to make them or buy them their favorite cake or go to their favorite restaurant. We no longer have the chance to tell them happy birthday one more time. We miss not being able to buy them something cool. We wonder what kind of gift they would like now-years later, we miss the future birthdays without them and the past birthdays we had with them.

We miss our children on our birthdays as well. Unfortunately for me DJ's visitation was on my birthday and he was buried one day after my birthday. Of course any day your child dies, any day that they are buried you remember but for me my birthday will never be a "happy" birthday.

We miss our children on our other children's birthday too. It is so evident during holidays, events, birthdays and celebrations that they are gone. It is so obvious that DJ is not here on our other children's birthdays. He is not here to take pictures with the video camera that was just beginning to use. He was not here to lick his fingers and put out the candles (just like Aragon in Lord of the Rings) on Emilee's 20th birthday. Jake has however found this thrill and does it every chance he can get, so in this way DJ's memory lives on.

DJ has missed four birthdays, four of his own, four of mine, four of his sisters, four of his brothers and four of my husbands. He has missed so much but we have missed him so much more.

We made a mistake on his birthday this year. In the past birthdays we had given the kids gifts and tried to make it a happy day for them. We would buy a cake and blow out candles in honor of DJ's birthday. This year though we decided not to do this new tradition. We bought the kids gifts but didn't do the cake and we didn't celebrate his birthday.

Instead we mourned him, we mourned his loss. We didn't realize any of this until the week later after his birthday and the entire family was suffering and in pain and depressed. We didn't see what we had done or what we hadn't done was wrong. Once we did see our mistake all the light bulbs went off--we then went out for dinner as a family, we bought a cake and blew out candles. This helped us process DJ's birthday, this helped us go from mourning him to celebrating his life.

What did I learn from this? I learned that the best thing to do is to celebrate DJ's life. Celebrate the child's life on their birthday, I learned not mourn that day.

My advice to anyone coming up to a lost child's birthday? First and foremost, the anxiety, apprehension coming up to the date is worse than the actual date. Secondly the day should be celebrated as best you can--your child would not want you to mourn them, they would want you to live a life and try to be happy during their day. Thirdly--do what is best for you and never feel you have to explain what you are doing to anyone. If it means staying in bed all day then do it. If it means buying your child a gift and putting it away in a closet do it. If it means going to dinner as a family and crying while sharing stories about them then do it. My point here again and this time I will say it louder--DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU, DO WHAT FEELS RIGHT FOR YOU AND CELEBRATE THEIR LIFE AS BEST YOU CAN!!

Would it have been easier not to have had DJ?

2010-11-18T19:52:00.000-08:00

After a friend posted a comment about my blog it made me think about something parents that have lost children think but rarely say...

Would it have been easier to never have had our children than have the pain we now have? We probably have all thought it quietly but never said it aloud. And really why would we say it out loud? We can't do anything about it, it is a useless question to even ask but it does come to mind.

So I will answer it anyway...

Absolutely YES.

Everyone would take the pain that can nearly destroy us just to still have the memories of our children.

We would all rather have had the joy and privilege of having our children in our life than not having had them and having no pain.

Immense pain comes from immense love. Without the love the children had for us and we for them we would not have such great sorrow.

Absolutely yes is my answer. I would not trade the 13 years of having DJ in my life and the great overpowering grief that I can have now for nothing. I would rather have the pain of losing him than the pain of never having had him.

Husbands and wives grieve differently

2010-11-18T05:39:00.000-08:00

Men and women grieve differently. It is one of the most constant facts I discovered when I interviewed people for my book.

Generally couples don't grieve the same at the same time and this is a huge blessing. When one person is in a hole and depressed then usually the other help mate is not. The other is able to help the one grieving. When Donnie is grieving I am there to offer help and support. When I am in a hole he is there for me and keeps me going.

Often one or the other wants to talk about their child and express their grief while the other is quieter with their emotions. Donnie likes to talk about DJ and what memories he has. For me it is too difficult, I usually get quiet and don't talk much at all. For me the pain is always sitting their just below the surface and to talk about DJ too much is hard. Memories of DJ are always with me, they never leave me and I am just not able to talk about them as much as Donnie. Donnie doesn't want DJ's life forgotten and to talk about him keeps DJ alive.

Some people I interviewed expressed that the husband's would get angry and grumpy while they grieved. While the woman would get sad and cry.

Some men went to the gym to work out their pain and often the women ate to stuff their pain.

Parents drank, some did drugs. They would immerse themselves into their work and some would almost quit working.

It was almost completely universal that the men would take great care in the headstones and gravesights of the children. They felt the need to continue to take care of their children in this way. And they were all concerned about who would take care of their child in this manner after they too passed away.

With all this said I just want everyone to realize that it is okay for people to grieve differently. Fortunately it is a good thing that we do because if we were both grieving at the same time or both doing destructive behaviors at the same time we would not be able to support one another. Our remaining children would have more loss and devastation to deal with. Life has already been seemingly unfair and we don't need to burden our loved ones with more. This is God's way of protecting us all I think.

Why I don't watch the news

2010-11-16T19:14:00.001-08:00

I try really hard not to watch the news since DJ's death. It is tough to watch it when I see so many children die needlessly and endlessly on the news. I make a point not to watch it, even after four years. However, this week I chose to watch it. I wanted to know what happened to the local 13 year old boy that passed away. I didn't watch it for the curiosity of the facts and trauma. I didn't want to gawk at the family's pain but because I have an understanding of the loss, I had sympathy for the family and wanted to know what was happening. I have a kinship and have great sadness for them. I feel the pain they feel for losing their 13 year old boy. It is a kinship I wish we didn't share.

While listening to the interview the mother says, "my son wanted to be a professional skateboarder, that was his passion." These are the exact words I said about DJ after his death in many interviews. Not almost the same words but the exact words. What are the chances? Apparently really good.

So all that said, I am not happy today. I am not celebrating the fact that another 13 year old is in heaven. I am not rejoicing that DJ gets to show him all the cool skateboard places in heaven.

I am angry that another family has this pain. I am angry that I have this pain.

I miss my son. I am spiraling and sad and I am not trying to get out of the hole. Let the hole have me today, today I jump in.

This is why I don't watch the news.

When to offer support?

2010-11-14T08:18:00.001-08:00

In the local news there is a story floating around that an older brother accidentally shot and killed his younger brother. Honestly I don't know if this is completely true or not. The one fact that I do know is true is that a 13 year old died this week and another family is suffering and in unimaginable pain. My husband asked me if I thought we should go to the family and offer any help right now. I said "No" but this is why--

This family is deciding where to have a funeral
This family is picking out clothes for their son to be buried in
This family is deciding on songs to be sung during the service
This family is trying to figure out where to have a dinner after the funeral
This family is selecting a place to bury their son
This family is figuring out how to pay for all this
This family is still numb with grief and shock
This family is putting on a "face" for family members coming in
This family is going through a hell that few people (including myself) can possibly understand- if the stories are true
This family is going through hell regardless because their child is gone

When to offer help? When to go to the families and offer support and some sort of comfort?

When the numbing effect of grief wears off (which unbelievably it does)
When the grief gets worse about 3-6 months after the death of their child
When the friends begin to back away because they don't want to "catch it" (death)
When family members become harsh and tell them "to get over it"
When people quit calling and asking how they are doing
When people only want to hear "Fine" when they are asked how they are
When people quit speaking their child's name because they don't want to make the family sad
When the family members no longer think they can live without their child anymore
When the family's pain is so strong they can only think to end their own lives and stop the pain
When the family is dieing it's own slow death while the world is moving around them

Right now this family is busy, right now they are surrounded by people and things to do. But soon, the house will become quiet and the pain will become worse. Soon when the world outside has forgotten their pain they will need their family and friends more than ever. Just because time continues to go by the pain does not get easier. The pain only gets easier to manage after years of practice. This family and all families need support beyond the "initial allowed grieving period the world allows."

No one is immune

2010-11-13T04:57:00.000-08:00

A family I interviewed for my book lost their youngest daughter in a car wreck five years ago, she was only 15 years old. This month their oldest daughter was in a horrible car wreck and has been in intensive care for over a week. She is in a medicated coma because of all the injuries she has sustained.

No one ever thinks something this horrible can happen to them. No one ever has children and when they are born think that someday they will have to bury them. We all kind of live in a bubble of "it won't happen to me, it will happen to them..." (I'm not sure who "them" is but I was sure it couldn't be me)

But then you lose a child and you become one of them. You are the one that it happens to, not someone else. Your immunity wears off.

After losing a child I think there are two trains of thought as a parent regarding your remaining children...One that it could never happen again. Two that it could happen again.

In the case of this wonderful family it almost happened again. The young woman is still fighting for her life, she may never be the same again once she remains consciousness--so much is uncertain.

All this said their is one certainty I am aware of---parents need prayer. Parents who lose children need continued prayer even after 5 years, 10, 20-the need never goes away. But also parents who haven't lost children need prayer. Life is hard, life is very hard and we all need to be praying even harder for one another.

I didn't mean to challenge you all again but I guess I am-PRAY. Pray for those you love, pray for those you know, pray for your enemies, pray for your children, pray for our country, pray for whoever you feel led to pray for. As Nike says--Just do it!

Bloom like the iris!

2010-11-08T19:18:00.000-08:00

I had a very thoughtful and kind of sad blog planned for today, life has thrown some things in the news this week and I had some words to share but......

Then I saw an iris. An iris blooming in Nebraska. An iris blooming in the shade in November in Nebraska. A beautiful purple flower that usually blooms in May was just standing up proudly along my walking path this week.

Why am I choosing this instead of the other topic? Because it was a great symbol of life. A great analogy of how we are supposed to bloom where we are. This flower doesn't know it is November, it doesn't know that it is not supposed to be beautiful right now. This flower doesn't know that it is supposed to be dormant and brown and bent over.

We live life and know that because of our tragedies in life, that because the world had taken away one of our most prized possessions in life that we should not bloom where we are. We know that we aren't supposed to feel beautiful or see anything beautiful now. We know we are supposed to be dormant and unhappy and sad and bent over like the flower is supposed to be.

But..... what do we really know? If this flower that knows nothing knows to bloom where it is and shine and be proud and just show so much strength then perhaps I should be learning something from it. I have had tragedy, I have lost my son DJ and life has thrown it's worst at me but I am going to chose to be like that flower and forget what I know and do what I need to do. I need to bloom, I need to live, I need to be strong and stand and shine and forget what the world wants me to do or what it thinks I should do.

I will be like the flower and bloom where I am not supposed to and shine when I shouldn't.

I challenge you all, whether you have lost a child or not to be like that flower, to do what you can't, to do the impossible and live your life. Not just let life live for you but chose to live life!

Side note--I just realized God is amazing because iris' are my very favorite flower! I am always so anxious when they start blooming in May and am so disappointed when they fade away. If it had been any other flower I would have not noticed it, it would not have gotten my attention. God got my attention!

Movie to add to "not to see" list---Cujo

Pets

2010-11-05T05:27:00.000-07:00

Many people inherit pets from their lost ones. These animals can go into shock and grieve just like people.

Pets will wait anxiously at the door for their owners to come home not realizing that they will never see them again.

The animals often lay on the blankets and beds of their lost owners and refuse to get up.

They smell their loved ones smells and long to be touched again by their owners.

The worst part about inheriting these pets is that someday they will pass away as well. These animals are one of the last physical connections people have with their children.

I know someday DJ's dog will pass away and that I will grieve her and it will cause me to grief DJ again. Someday all these inherited pets will be gone and it will be another loss that the loved ones left behind will have to endure.

I know I have talked before about the loss of an animal being compared to the loss of a child and the bitterness and anger it causes in me -in this case however; it is another connection, another loss, another pain that causes great pain in us. To the new owners of these dogs we do not want to see them go, to see them go is to lose our children all over again.

Halloween Haunts

2010-10-30T15:11:00.000-07:00

Halloween can be tough on parents who lose children--tough for the what if's and tough for the what was. What if he was still here and what was once...

What if--what would my child be this year?
would he be trick or treating this year at all?
would he be hanging out with his best friend or would they have grown apart?
would he be taking his younger sibling out for some fun?
would he still love chocolate more than any food group?

What was--scaring neighbor kids with my husband
terrorizing the neighborhood with masks and fog machines
wearing my black slacks as part of his outfit-he was so skinny
elaborate set ups in the entry way
hay rack rides
bags and bags of chocolate stored away in his room for later

As a family we don't celebrate Halloween like we used to. We no longer scare little kids in our neighborhood, we don't even trick or treat in our neighborhood anymore. The first year after DJ was gone our family went to another town to trick or treat. We couldn't stand the thought of seeing any of DJ's friends walking along and getting candy without him, the chances were too big. It was best to go somewhere no one knew us. My husband no longer cares to be home at all for Halloween, it has become a difficult holiday for him even 4 years after DJ's death. He and DJ loved to scare the kids, loved to decorate the house, loved to watch the kids leave our entry crying. They loved to terrorize, they loved to go big on Halloween.

Now we just go away, we don't stay home, we don't hand out candy (though I leave a bowl for the kids that may show up), we don't do anything similar to our past.

Halloween is full of fun and full of candy but often to the parent who loses a child it is full of haunts of old memories. So if you see a parent that has lost a child during Halloween be extra kind, it may not seem a big deal to you but to us someone is missing and we are missing them.

A tail spin and thankfulness all in one

2010-10-28T12:33:00.000-07:00

I was watching a morning show the other day and an author was being interviewed. He had questioned nurses and doctors that had worked hospice care for many, many years. I don't know all the details of his book or the title but I believe his last name was Kessler if anyone is interested in reading it. I however won't be able to because I am sure it would send me into a depressive tailspin. The reason I am telling you all this is because there was something he said that really touched me and made me cry my eyes out while I was taking my (almost) daily walk.

The author hadn't believed in the after life before his interviews. He believed most things could be explained like the bright light/tunnel because of excessive medications given to patients at the end of their lives, etc. However before the author's father died his father was acting miserable and was full of despair (apparently he was ill for a long time) but then one day he was full of joy and acceptance. The man asked his father what the change was and he said he had been visited by his wife who was already in heaven and she told him that she and others that loved him would be waiting for him after he died. So okay, I am still good with all this, no tears yet.

The next thing the author states is that the doctors and nurses told him that people about ready to pass away would almost always look to the left corner of a room and see their mothers. That the mothers seemed to almost always be the ones that were being seen and awaiting the loved ones. This is where it started to get hairy and heart wrenching for me because I realized my son DJ did not have me or anyone that he knew in heaven awaiting him. His grandfather-my dad Augie-had died when DJ was just over one years old but DJ would not have known him. This is what caused the tears while I was walking (some people cry when they drive, I am good at crying while I walk).

But after all the tears and awful searing pain to my heart God reminded me of my letter from my friend (see blog about best birthday present ever). God is good and he brought back to me the memory of Jesus sitting next to DJ. Who better could DJ have been greeted by? There is no one on earth who loved him more than Jesus and DJ knew Him and knew His voice. DJ may not have seen me, I may have not been there to greet him but Jesus was and for this I am thankful. Someday I will get to see DJ and he will great me and for this I am grateful. What a reunion it will be!

WHAT'S IN A NUMBER?

2010-10-24T06:59:00.000-07:00

I never really thought too much about numbers before DJ died other than balancing a check book or the cost of groceries. Now however numbers have a totally different meaning...

The first time our family went to church after DJ's death we were asked "How many?" It was the first time I had to say we were a family of 4 instead of 5. 4 has become a terrible number.

Today is my youngest son Jake's 13th birthday. He is now almost older than DJ was when he passed away. By next May (when DJ would have been 18) Jake will officially be older than when DJ died. He will pass his brother up. This bothers me but I tell no one especially Jake. I don't want him to realize this-though he may have already. I don't want him having to carry the burden of 13.

Today Jake will blow out candles for his birthday-a 1 and a 3. These are the same candles that DJ last blew out. When I touch them today I will be touching something DJ and I had shared over 4 years ago. Still 4 years later there are things that come up that I can share a memory of about DJ. Where I can almost touch him again.

Songs parents shouldn't listen to--Three Wooden Crosses
Holes in Heaven both by Randy Travis

How to describe the loss

2010-10-22T07:11:00.000-07:00

I often have people say to me that they can't imagine the pain of losing a child. And I usually tell them in a very quick reply that I am so glad they don't understand it! If they understood it then they too would have lost a child. This is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, ever!

Shortly after DJ's death though I came up with an analogy, a visual that I hope really kind of helps people get what it is like to the smallest degree. I don't want them to get "it" so they can understand my pain but to get it so they can help someone else in the same place.

My analogy:

Losing a child is like being in a terrible car accident and you have lost a limb. You learn how to live- deal without that arm-leg but you miss it everyday and think about it everyday even though it is no longer there.

As a parent who has lost a child it is like I (and everyone else out there) have been in a tragic accident. The loss has the same impact of a car crash, the searing pain and ripping of metal is the same of that pain and ripping of our hearts. The loss of the limb is just like our child being ripped from our hearts and souls. Never to be seen or used or touched again. The intense ripping of the limb results in scars and change that we will have everyday for the rest of our lives. These scars are just ones that people do not see on the outside, they are hidden below the surface but are still there none the less. That child is missed everyday and never, ever do we forget about them.

We as parents learn how to live without that limb/without our child. We learn how to do the basics again like putting on a coat or a pair of pants. We learn to take life steps with the help of crutches, friends, with the support of others. We learn to live again even when we don't want to.

Prayer Part II

2010-10-18T17:06:00.000-07:00

Prayers have been answered after DJ's death. The Pastor who did the service gave people an opportunity to accept Christ as DJ had when he was young. People came to the Lord at his funeral, he had classmates that accepted Christ and someday they will see each other again. Jake was able to reconnect with a friend specifically because of DJ's death and this friendship has been an answer to prayer and support for him. Our family has survived this tragedy which by all accounts is from the many prayers of friends and families throughout the years. I have had people tell me stories (after 4 years) of how they heard about DJ's death and immediately prayed for our family. It is my complete belief that these prayers are what have kept our family together, it is Christ's power through these prayers that have kept my family intact.

Even with all this knowledge though I forgot about the power of prayer a few months ago and can honestly saying I was on a big downhill slide of disbelief. Things in life are hard, as for any family and when grief overcomes you things just seem to multiply and seem harder. Well, I saw an evangelist on television who said to ask God for a sign, that it was biblical and He could handle it. I had never done that before, I kind of felt it was like challenging God but I had nothing to lose so I decided to pray and ask God for a sign---what kind of sign? I didn't pray for specifics, I knew God knew me better than myself and if He wanted to answer this prayer and give me a sign He would do it perfectly. My husband and my son Jake also decided to pray for a sign. We all only prayed "God give us a sign".

A few weeks passed and we were all still praying and asking for a sign and believing that God would do it if He wanted to. Well... all three of us were golfing one evening, Jake and I were in a golf cart and I looked up at the sky and saw a PERFECTLY SHAPED E in the clouds. This was not a mild, "maybe it's an E", it was not a "guess it could be an E". It was a perfectly, right angled capital E. (if you have forgotten, my last name is Epperson). It looked as if it was just written by the hand of God and it was. I asked Jake if he saw it and he did, I asked Donnie to look behind him and look up in the sky--he saw the capital E and just after he did it evaporated.

Well, okay--that was an E, did it mean anything? Yep, then as we were putting our golf bags away into our car we heard someone yell into the full parking lot "DJ". Perhaps some of you will feel it was all coincidence but for us it was God's incidence. If He can give me a capital E in the sky, if He can have some stranger yell DJ's name in the middle of a crowded parking lot then He can answer my prayers regardless of what they are.

I now have peace that God is hearing my prayers, that He is more than capable of hearing them and answering them. He sees the big picture and knows what is best. He showed me if He can give me an E, then He is in total control. That my prayers are truly important to him and that He does listen and answer them.

Does He always answer them the way I want them to be answered? No. What child always gets their way? God knows me better than I know myself and even though He has taken DJ to be home with Him, it is His plan. I have to believe that God knows best in all areas of my life, even when I don't agree with Him.

Things we hang on to

2010-10-16T09:29:00.000-07:00

I got an ipod for my birthday this week and of course quickly got it loaded with songs. I have an entire section titled DJ's music. It has been over four years now but I cannot let his music that is saved on itunes be removed. I love some it like the Johnny Cash music and can't stand the screamo Christian music that he had downloaded. But I will never remove the music from my system, it is something that I will always hang on to. I have a box of chocolate crunch wafers of DJ's that we found stashed in his room that are saved in our fridge and no one is allowed to eat them. I have shirts of DJ's in my closet that I will keep forever and occasionally wear when I am missing him. I have hung onto lots of DJ's things and will never get rid of them.

Many of DJ's things are useless and worthless to the outside world but they mean alot to me and someday my remaining kids will have to decide what to do with them when I am gone--I will always have his things-his fireworks stash, his star war guys,the tech deck dudes he played with for hours, some of his goofy movies that I couldn't stand but will never get rid of. His skateboard that I bought for him three weeks prior to his death for doing so well on his grades at school, the list goes on and on.

Is this unusual? Absolutely not! We as parents need to keep things our children touched, things they had their hands at and smells on. I have some of DJ's shirts stored in plastic Ziploc bags to try to keep his smell in. Of course I won't open them up because his smell could escape and it may already have since I don't check it out for fear of the smell of him disappearing (vicious circle).

I have talked with many people who have taken their children's shirts and made quilts out of them and others who can't even seperate with the clothes long enough for a quilt to be made. Some people have made shrines of their children's belongings above the family fireplace. I know people who still have their child's hats and coats hanging up on a coat rack after years of the child being gone.

There are so many things that we hang on to because we cannot touch our children and this is as close as many of us can get.

If you have recently lost a child or know someone who has tell them to take time with their children's belongings, don't be too quick to make decisions about getting rid of things. I have interviewed people who were quick to get rid of the belongings and reqret it shortly after. Take time and decide, pack things away for a few years and get back to them if you want. Do what is right for you!

Why do I blog?

2010-10-14T15:16:00.000-07:00

Why do I blog? I was talking to a close friend today that reads my blog, I don't ever really talk to anyone that reads it-I know you're out there but I just don't talk about my blog much. Anyhow we began discussing it and she was appreciative of how honest I am in my writing of it. I asked her if she knew why I started writing my blog or even the book and she didn't know which made me realize that most of you probably don't so here is the scoop...

I had a very close Christian friend of mine compare the loss of DJ to the loss of her dog a few months after his death. I couldn't believe she of all people was saying it to me. She had been my spiritual mentor for years, she was a strong mature Christian, she already had great loss in her family and knew what it was like to lose an actual person-not just a dog. I just had to walk away from her when she was talking and try to tune it out, I was dumbfounded by her ignorance. I know many of you are dog lovers so please don't get angry with me or tell me about the great love she had for her dog, etc. You all know I have too many dogs in my world and yes even though I pretend I don't, I do love them all but I would never consider them to be of equal importance to that of my children.

No parent should ever have their child's death compared to that of an animal. It is painful and hurtful. The pain is not the same as losing a child as that of a dog--they are not even close. As I have interviewed people I have discovered that this happens often and people say very stupid and hurtful things out of ignorance. Can you tell I am still angry about this? It so upset me that we are no longer friends.

Anyway, I didn't want another parent to hear those words, I didn't want pain to come out of people's ignorance. Please don't get me wrong, I have said stupid things to people at times of loss, I didn't mean to say stupid things but no one told me any differently.

With this blog and with my book I want to first and foremost help families that have lost children, help them survive this new and different life that they now have without their child. To help them with new horrible challenges they will have to face that they aren't even aware of yet. I needed a book after DJ passed away with real things that I could do with his clothes, etc and real information on how this was going to affect every aspect of my life forever. But I also do this so friends and family members of these grieving families learn how to help and support them and to have better understanding of what is really going on in their loved one's world.

I don't ever want to hear another loved one's child's death compared to the death a dog.

Best Birthday present

2010-10-13T05:26:00.001-07:00

I meant to post this yesterday on my birthday but was birthday busy and didn't have a chance.

DJ's visitation was on my birthday in 2006. I hate the term visitation, we are not visiting the dead, we are viewing the dead. When I got home from the funeral home late that night I had a note taped to my garage door. This single piece of paper is one of my most prized possessions, I would be sick if I ever lost it. I should probably put it in a safety deposit box-it is the best birthday present I have ever received, this is what it said--

Lisa, Wednesday I woke up in the middle of a dream about DJ. I tried to go back to sleep so I could see more but I couldn't.

It starts with DJ sitting on a curb near the commotion in the street. He's talking to Jesus who is sitting on the street beside him. DJ knows instinctively who he is. He says, "Oh man, that's it? But that was such a short ride." (I had the impression he was talking about his life not skating)

Jesus: Don't worry DJ there's a better one ahead. You ready?
DJ: My Mom and Dad are gonna freak.
Jesus: Don't worry DJ I'm sending them angels to help them.

I woke up.
I wasn't sure if I should mention it but I thought it was comforting. It was weird to me because I always imagined angels coming after people but who knows?

I wanted to do something nice for you for your birthday but somehow I doubt you're in the mood to enjoy it. Happy Birthday

Your friend, Rieta

Another movie to add to the list--Blind side-great movie, heart wrenching because I no longer can hug or save my boy

Grief has a high price tag!

2010-10-11T17:15:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged for awhile. I have been thinking about it the last few days and haven't been able to figure out why I can't think of anything to write. I have lots of information in my head about surviving the loss of a child, of my DJ. I have lots of great quotes from the families that I have interviewed for my book but somehow they are all in my head and not able to come out.

I finally got a hold of it this evening. Grief takes away your creativity. I know this, I have had to deal with it a long time but I forgot. It will come back to me again, maybe even in a few days. Grief takes away lots of things silently. It takes so many things away and steals things without your knowledge. And ironically it can add things as well. For my husband his creativity flourished after DJ passed away. He is an amazing artist, he can paint, sculpt, draw--it all comes relatively easy to him. After DJ's death he drew to escape and eventually all of his grief turned into a book series titled Captain Tag. Would he have done it without the grief, I believe the answer is a definite No. He needed to draw to escape the grief so in this way it gave him the creativity. It's a wierd circle. I know people who got heavily into music, others who got into photography and writing. So I guess it adds but it has an absolutely horrible price tag!

Tomorrow is my 43rd birthday, DJ's visitation was on this day 4 years ago. He was buried the day after my birthday-tomorrow I will share the best birthday present I ever got and suprisingly it was on DJ's visitation day from a dear friend.

Bright clothes

2010-10-07T15:11:00.000-07:00

I wear bright clothes when I am depressed. Today I have on a bright turquoise sweater that I usually never wear. If you see me and I am wearing turquoise pants with giant flowers on it then I am most likely in a hole. I do in on purpose because when I feel bad I need that extra ooomph, that extra brightness so people don't see it. Ofcourse now you all know it and will probably check on me when you see my bright pants coming but I don't really care.

4 years ago today my13 yr old son DJ was in intensive care with severe head trauma from a skateboarding accident. I was in a dark hospital room asking the nurses if they had known anyone with such severe trauma coming out of it and they told me no. I was standing against a wall as a doctor was telling me that my son didn't need any pain medication because he wasn't feeling any pain, that cold white wall was the only thing holding me up. I was taking calls from DJ's friends and their parents and had to tell them it wasn't good, that what they all had heard was true. I was listening to myself telling DJ to go to Jesus because he was not with me anymore. I was putting my hand against his to see the size, his were just slightly larger than mine. I was looking at his doodles on his right hand of dice and a star--he was always doodling. I was feeling his hand begin to harden because his body wasn't working correctly anymore. I was listening to my daughter scream in the hospital room for her brother not to leave her. I was listening to my younger son whale as he told DJ goodbye. I was crying in the halls where no one could see me, I was planning the songs I wanted at his funeral. I was answering questions about DJ's sexual history to the organ donor people--he hadn't even kissed a girl yet. I was sitting and sitting and sitting next to his bed watching all the tubes keep him alive. That was my life four years ago today, I never left his side though he eventually left mine.

Hallmark doesn't have it

2010-10-04T19:40:00.000-07:00

I have a relative who is dying. He has been sick for years but will probably finally succumb to everything that is wrong very soon. Hospice has been called.

I went to the card store to find something to give him that didn't necessarily say Get Well because that isn't going to happen, but something that let him know that I was envious that he will get to hold DJ and hug him soon.

Hallmark doesn't carry a card like that, maybe I should start a line of them---

Front- "So glad you get to go to heaven" Inside- Wish it was me
Front- "Wish I could take your place" Inside- I would hug my son
Front- "Hug my loved one for me" Inside- Wish it was me
Front- "Tell my son I miss him everyday" Inside- Wish I could do it in person
Front- "Wish you weren't there" Inside- Wish I was
Front- "Congrats on your newest destination" Inside- Wish I was going instead
Front- "Congrats on your heavenly departing" Inside- Wish I could go in your place

I don't have a death wish, I don't want to leave my husband or two kids behind to have more pain or grief but I am envious and jealous and wish I could hug my boy! He will have to do it in my place till Jesus calls me home. He will get to kiss his cheek and hug those bony shoulders that I miss. He will get to see those beautiful green eyes that sparkle when he smiles. He will get to see that wonderful smile that DJ was born with, the one I miss everyday. He will get to touch his hands that were just a smidge larger than mine when he passed away.

There wasn't a card there that I could buy so I bought a blank one and wrote that I was envious and that his best adventure will be starting soon! Wish it was mine.

Death brings Death

2010-10-01T11:11:00.002-07:00

I am in a continued angry mood. Just got a call from a friend who's son passed away years ago. The daughter tried to commit suicide today and almost succeeded. I am tired of the continued fall out for families! I have friends who's spouses have gotten cancer since the death of their child. Two friend's spouses have died. I have friends who have spouses that have had heart attacks and passed away since the death of their child.

Please continue to pray for families that lose children because it doesn't matter if it has been 2 days, 2 years, 4 years or more the fallout continues to happen and families are losing more family members, the grief is building and things are not easy.

Death sucks, lose of a child sucks but it seems the fallout never stops and people's lives do not stop being changed.

Death brings death

2010-10-01T11:11:00.001-07:00

What's in a name?

2010-09-30T11:08:00.001-07:00

Today I was hit by two letters by an unsuspecting gentleman in the middle of my day. What were those two letters? They were DJ. My computer wasn't working well so I had to contact my internet company, after a few minutes I was transferred to someone higher up on the chain and his name was DJ. I didn't expect it, I wasn't prepared and it hit me hard.

This nice man was helpful and wonderful and the whole time I just wanted to tell him that my son's name was DJ and that he died almost 4 years ago. I wanted him to know that he had an unknowing connection with me and my son and my tragedy but I couldn't get the words out.

I felt them in my throat, I had them in my head but my heart would not allow them to be said. Thankfully he had to put me on hold for about 30 seconds which gave me time to cry without him knowing. Even now 15 minutes later I am on the verge of tears. And that is why I didn't allow the words to come out of my mouth, I would have been crying over the phone to the cable guy and I don't think I would have been able to stop.

How does this hit me so hard? Why am I nearly blubbering to the man on the phone. So many questions, I hate being hit so hard unexpectedly. I hate having to be prepared for whatever life throws at me, I hate not having my son here. I hate not being able to hold my tears in, I hate that the anniversary of DJ's death is only 9 days away. I hate that I am getting hit by it already, I didn't feel it yesterday but I sure do today.

What's in a name? My entire life..

(other movie to add to list--the Patriot)

We are not the same anymore

2010-09-24T19:56:00.000-07:00

I have a wonderful friend that lost her son the same year DJ passed away in 2006. We met in a support group for mother's who had lost children and she is one of those friendships I will take to heaven. Today she told me that she will never be the same person she was before and that her family was struggling with that fact. That they didn't understand the change in her and though she didn't say it I am assuming that they also wished she would go back to being the same old person she had been before her beautiful son's death. Well......

Here is my take on it. None of us will ever be the same, no parent, no sibling, no best friend, no grandparent, NO ONE! And for someone to expect us to be is ludicrous.

We will never be able to hold our child again and feel their hair next to our skin.

We will never be able to hear them say Mom one last time.

We will never be able to serve their favorite food without wishing they were there to eat it.

We will never get to watch them glow in the sunlight or beam in the moonlight.

We will never get to watch them create and live in the world they love, that loved them.

We will never be the same, how anyone can expect us to be is wrong.

However, all that said--

We will also never be able to hear a story about the death of a child without our heart going out to the family.

We will never stop praying for our remaining children who are still grieving after so many years.

We will never have the same compassion we had before our own loss, our compassion is deeper

We will never understand how someone can hurt a child on purpose when we miss ours so badly

We will never understand why a child will take their own life when ours did not have a choice to continue living theirs

We will never forget to pray for our friend's who have lost precious children

There is so much that has changed within us and around us and to us that we will never be the same.

I have more and less compassion for people now than I did before, more for those that have the same unbearable, life altering, horrendous loss that I have had AND less for ignorant people who think life is not a gift and will strike and hurt and batter their children.

We as mothers tend to stand stoic, we are the glue the holds the families together and if after four years we haven't changed yet then just wait, it will come. Maybe it will come in small ways, like driving a different route so I don't have to be near the same road my son died on. Or maybe it will come in big ways like another mother I know that bought a Harley and now has two to escape the pain and just ride.

We are not the same people, we wish terribly that we were, that our boys, our children were still with us but they aren't and we will never be the same. My hope is that you all get to stay the same and never have to change because of loss.

(Got book back from editor this week, I am fixing errors, have to write my biography and back of book information and then soon we will be in e-book form-then real books after--hope I have been able to honor all of your children!) Thanks again for reading, Lisa-forever DJ's mom

MOVIES

2010-09-19T07:03:00.000-07:00

Our movie choices have changed so much since DJ passed away. There should be a list created for parents that lose children, movies we shouldn't see...

Here is my short list---Bridge to Tarabithia--children's movie (thought it would be nice to see a safe family movie but I never read the book-apparently everyone I knew did because they told me about it later) the family went about two months after DJ passed away and unknown to me the teenage girl dies in the movie. While we were in the theater a funeral is going on right in front of us all--our life and our pain was on the screen in front of us, it sucked!

Steel Magnolias--A adult daughter dies and Sally Field breaks down at the grave--what every mother really wants to do but doesn't

Terms of Endearment-Another adult daughter passes away and you get to see the tragedy fully in front of you, every emotion and all the pain

Animal Movies-DJ had a very valid point when he was young, he would say that he didn't want to go to animal movies because they were always sad and he was right and still is. Most if not all have an animal die or get lost and you become terribly emotional attached to these creatures and all of a sudden pain is back.

Toy Story 3--love, love, loved the movie until the Mom hugs her teenage boy goodbye as he goes off to college. It makes me tear up just thinking about it.

Haunting in Connecticut---Gee, I thought this would be perfect, a scary movie with ghosts and ghouls--but NOOOOOO!! Based on true story about a teenage boy dying of cancer and his mom holds him in her arms while she thinks he is dying--ugh, no more scary movies for me now.

Any movie where there is a strong bond between a parent and a child, any movie where there is struggling between the parent and the child, any movie where there is pain, any move that could possibly come true. Almost any movie is subject to causing pain.

After DJ passed away I began watching science fiction junk. Why? Because 99.9% of it can't come true and I don't become emotionally attached to the giant alien creature trying to shoot goo at the ugly alien.

My words of wisdom--be careful what you watch. If you want to cry and need that release, watch a movie that will make you cry--blame it on the movie-people won't blink an eye. However, do your homework before you go, check out the many websites out there that will help you make a good decision on your choices--the last thing you want to do is have a happy evening planned with the family and have your evening end with intense sorrow and pain--we all have had enough and don't need it absently thrown at us. I go to Kids in mind movie rating web site

My book Flowers on a Child's Grave-Now What will be coming out this late fall or early winter will let you all know when and where I will be having a book event--Thanks for reading, Me

Surviving the loss of a child in the real world

Hang gliding

A park and a memory

Friday the 13th for me

When was the last time you were happy?

Today I got slammed

A year in retrospect

I used to like October

A challenge to help others

Grief is contagious

What do you stuff?

Why I write

Movies and Things

Where are the injuries?

Life is full of triggers

I haven't raised a 14 year old boy before

Buying a suit

The world reminded me of DJ's death today

Casey Anthony case-life is unjust

God's Word

Power of Music

VACATION TIME

Our children are in our future

I did not right this article--but had to share it with you all--what an amazing, amazing way to look at the death of a loved one...

A Powerful Word For ThoseWho Have Lost Loved Ones

Scripture Verses

Conclusion

Laughter can finally come

Father's Day after losing a child

Gifts at the Gravesite

Laughter in Joplin Missouri

I went to DJ's gravesite this week

Mother's Day-No guilt for the living

Anticipation

Divorce

How are you today?

What color are your child's eyes?

Our children's best friends

Birthdays

Church life after death

A house had a fire...

Expectations

Masks-we all wear them

Don't forget our children

Meaning of bittersweet

Grief trumps joy

Self help me

We are an imbalanced teeter totter

I AM SO DISAPPOINTED!!

Look for the joy, it is still out there!

I don't always tell people I have a child in heaven

JOB'S WIFE

Judgement serves no one

My daughter gets a gift

Spring cleaning for the Soul

Broken hearts to mend

Broken hearts to mend

No guarantee of a tomorrow

Time is true and false

Candles led to letters

LOVE WITH YOUR HEART!

I feel like a Lifetime Channel Movie

Creating a legacy at a high cost

Hans Christian Andersen's words

Happy Words?

Vacations

Too much time alone

flowersonagrave.com

Celebrating versus Observing

Thank you all for your comments

A dieing plant

Melancholy

Triggers

Mementos

Dreams

Different Christmas Traditions

Say my child's name

The first and fourth Thanksgiving

Weddings

Birthdays

A Powerful Word For Those
Who Have Lost Loved Ones